Thursday, March 31, 2005

Finally, I have a reason for living:

The Lego Star Wars game for PS2 actually makes Lucas' prequel trilogy bearable. I played through the entire Phantom Menace yesterday in one 4.5 hour sitting.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

The happiest girl in the world: March 30, 2002-March 30, 2005

What's it like to live in a state of perpetual, full-tilt, non-stop ecstacy for three enitre years? Why, just ask this pretty lady.

Try to imagine what she is thinking at this very moment:

"OMG, this is the greatest moment of my life."

"Now I will finally find out why they call him the EROTIC Layman."

"I must be the luckiest gal in the whole wide world!"

And so on.

Anyway, Happy Anniversary to John and Kim Layman. Long may you reign!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The Triumphant Return: Layman back with a Vengeance

Sorry about the delay, O My Children. I was pretty burned from finishing that Activision video game, and had to write Gambit #12 and Fantastic Four: House of M #1, and take a writing test to write another video game for an unbelievably huge video game company. Anyway, you sad-ass punk bitches have had to pay the price, and I figure it's high time to talley up the votes and give ya'll the blog you've been dreaming about. So I've added up, all the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of votes, and here's what you get:




Okay, full disclosure: this movie is actually called Ginger Snaps 2, not Bridgette Snaps 2, but I call it Bridgette Snaps because in the movie, uh... duh... Bridgette snaps. This is the sequel (obviously) to Ginger Snaps, but Ginger is killed at the ended of the movie (BELATED SPOILER WARNING!!!) so this is all about her twitchy-ass sister Bridgette, and Ginger just shows up for a bit in flashback, in an apparent attempt to justify the movie title.

Ginger Snaps, and Ginger Snaps (Bridgette Snaps!) 2 and, I'm guessing, Ginger Snaps 3 (on my Netflix cue) are about teenager girls who become werewolves and kick white-boy ass. Ginger Snaps 1 was pretty good, I thought Ginger Snaps (Bridgette Snaps!) 2 was better. The sequel has this creepy little girl who is just awesome as a supporting character, a little brace-face who is creepy and funny and dorky at the same time. These are Canadian horror movies, which is probably an oxymoron. Everybody is super polite and pale and pasty. Even the werewolves say "Please" and "If I may" before eating anybody. They curtsey delicately and before they eat anybody they place the corpses on lace doileys and dinner place settings.

Funny story about these movies: I heard about them at the last day of San Digeo Con last year. I was up all night popping crazy pills and nearly killed myself with drugs and alcohol –rock star style– on the last day of the convention. I was hung over as I could possibly be, and not feeling particularly social. I hate people ANYWAY, but I was on the plane and some old guy, with his grandchild sitting between us, struck up and conversation. And he was actually cool. I had a great conversation with this guy, batting back movie recommendations and discussions about books and stuff like that. He was damn cool, though, in retrospect, maybe he was a bit odd for digging all these movies (his little grandchild, surprisingly well adjusted for a little kid, and I generally hate kids, had also seen all these Rated R horror movies, and he was, like, 7 or 8.) Anyway, this old dude recommended Ginger Snaps and I put it on my Netflix cue, and eventually got around to seeing the movies. I liked 'em. I mean, they aren't great, but better than most of the crap playing at the Cineplex at the moment.

The old dude and I exchanged phone numbers, and he sent me an email later, a polite follow up. I ended up blowing it off, like I do a dangerous percentage of my emails. I'm really bad that way (so if I've ignored your emails, don't take offense.) I kinda wish I would have kept up with that old man... he was pretty cool.

Rock on, you old fucker!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Oh, hell yeah, mutha fucker!

DEUS EX MOUSENA: Turns out Mr. BoDuckets chewed through the electric-chair power cord, sacrificing his life for mine.

Because I am only a dangerous felon and likely a depraved sexual predator, I have been released on my own recognicen-- recog-- recognisin-- fuck it-- I had to promise to be good! Fortunately, I didn't have any pot on me when I was arrested, or else they would have locked me up and thrown away the key.

Anyway, regular blogging will resume momentarily. First, let's take a moment to remember the Sainted Mr. BoDuckets.

Now, back to the pimp shit: I'm way behind on Blogging, and have a LOT that needs be said. I need your help, so please take the

I will blog based on YOUR requests, and prioritize blogs in order of what YOU DEMAND. Here we go. Please leave a comment casting your vote about you want me to blog about. Unlike America in the year 2000, majority vote rules.

Potential blog subjects:
1.) A dynamic new cat picture. (Spoiler warning: potentially too cute for words.)
2.) Terrible, devastating news about Rufus
3.) A new obituary for Eric DeSantis
4.) An insiteful Layman movie reivew
5.) An angry blog about that Brian Perez, an idiot crushed under the enormous weight of his own fat head.
6.) "Blogmerican Idol," my next inane ratings stunt
7.) A Terry Shiavo parody. (Warning, might include jokes about Tom B. Long wrongly inserting his own "feeding tube.")
8.) A boring post about books. No, dillrod, not comic books. Books. Yawn.
9.) Your own half-assed write-in vote.

Vote today. Remember, just like Ohio, multiple votes count. Unless you are black or gay, that is, or otherwise undesirable.

Monday, March 21, 2005

From Bad to Worse

I guess it was bad timing to tell that judge I was going to bust a cap in his fat ass.

*gasp* Could this be the end of Kid Layman™?

Friday, March 18, 2005

No blogging for a while

Mutha fuckin' pigs got me in lockdown for carving up a snitch.

My only friend, in this god-forsaken hellhole?: Mr. BoDuckets.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The Downward Spiral: Day Four

Unable to make bail, I simply learn to make due.

And after 18 hours in the hoosegow, there isn't a single mutha fucka in Cell Block C who isn't my bitch. But I guess that doesn't surprise anyone.

Still, I've managed to do something that hasn't been done in King County Correctional in more than 18 years. I've managed to unite the entire general population: the Aryans, the brothers, the vatos, the bangers-- even the straight-out psychos. They're all standing together now, united --IN FEAR! Even the guards know better to mess with Kid Layman™.

Anyway, here's me and my home-slice, Shank, after doing some bench-presses in the yard during our exercise hour. Gotta run. Some punk-ass just looked at me funny. That fool needs to get cut.

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Downward Spiral: Layman's Week of Freedom, Day Three

I gotta make this quick, as they tell me I only get either one phone call or one blog.

Things sorta took a turn for the worse yesterday. I woke up in the bathtub, caked in dried vomit, wearing no pants. There were a couple of passed-out truckers on the floor next to me, and the living room window was broken, from when we tossed the fish tank. So far, so good, right?

Except what I forgotten, as I snorted up the last of "Soggy" Pete's party supplies, were the repeated noise complaints from my fucknut neighbors. I suppose going outside, smashing their window and lighting their car on fire was a bad idea.

Anyway, anybody know a good bail bondsman?

Saturday, March 12, 2005

The Downward Spiral: Layman's Week of Freedom, Day One

My "roommate" is out of town for an entire eight long miserable days. I thought it might help pass the time if I kept an online diary of my events of the week. People are always asking me what the life of a world-famous comic book writer is like, so what better time than this than to share it with you, my dear, dear reader.

8:37 A.M.: The Early Bird
Leap out of bed to the chirping of spring robins, greeting a new day with song in my heart and a spring in my step.

10:37 A.M.: Drop roommate off at airport
I kiss my roomate goodbye, tell her how much I love her, and will miss her. It is going to be a difficult 8 days. I am already counting the minutes until her return.

11:12 A.M.: Stabbed by prostitute
Negociations were unsatifying for both parties, and I should have known better to let anybody into my car before agreeing on a price. Before I knew it she –if indeed she was a she– had a switchblade out and was demanding all of my money. I managed to get the passenger door open, and kick her out, but not before she jabbed me a couple times in the shoulder. It hurts like hell, but I managed to keep ahold of my wallet.
There are other fish in the sea, honey!

11:28 A.M.: Score!!!
Was able to procure a lid of primo black tar skag from some pock-faced greaseball in the University District. It probably would have been a better idea not to sample the product until I got home, because my judgment was pretty impaired, and I was whacked out of gourd by the time I reached the
11:45 A.M.: Liquor Store
Thank god for my roommate! She left her credit card behind and I was able to use it to run up a $187 tab at the liquor store. Shit, you'd be amazed how much booze you can buy if you stick to generic labels.

12:22 P.M.: Party in Progress
I called up my recently paroled drinking buddy "Soggy" Pete and he said he knew some girls he could invite over to my pad. One of them is an amputee, so I figure she would come cheap. Not so! Turns out she's the most expensive of the three. Go figure.

I was feeling pretty crazy after talking to Pete, guzzling straight vodka and washing it down with pineapple rum. Anyway, I invited the entire bus stop over, and now you better not be knockin' 'cause this fuckin' place is ROCKING!

There's some old guy with a beard in an army jacket named Artie says he knows how to get an entire blotter of high-grade squeak, at a really reasonable price, or maybe even trade for our DVD player. I told him to go for it.

Well, that's all for now. I'll update you later, and I'd like to tell you some of the crazy stories Artie has been telling me, but I'm so freaking high and drunk right now I can barely see straight. Plus, my drink is empy and I think one of the guys from the bus stop has blocked up the toilet again.
Party on, dudes!


Friday, March 11, 2005

Big Week for the Layman

Sorry there's been no blogging for the last couple of days, my slobbering devotees, but I had to wrap up a pretty critical video game writing job, then I had to par-tay in celebration of it being done. Couple other things to celebrate, too, including two Layman comic releases this Wednesday:

Gambit; HOUSE OF CARDS TPB, collecting issue #1-#6

Gambit #8

As always, I'll post reviews in a couple of days once they hit.

Couple other things: My domination over the internets continues, at the comic book news site NEWSARAMA, with an article about Gambit, as well as a press release about Puffed. Yay!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Biff! Pow! Comics aren't for kids anymore!

A special preview page of the upcoming Mo' Puffed story, a new story in IDW's upcoming Unauthorized Puffed Movie Adaptaion TPB. Have you ordered yours yet?

(Clickee for the biggee image)

(Art by David "Gonad Goliath" Crosland.)

Monday, March 07, 2005

Get ready to LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH

Separated at birth? (Warning: Hold on to your funny bone!!)

This and this.


Sunday, March 06, 2005

Layman movie review: The Village

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday, but I was busy puking my guts out, and trying to push my brain back through my ears, as some grey matter leaked out when I watched the criminally stupid M. Night Shamalama movie THE VILLAGE. What a wretchedly stupid movie.

Here's the twist: THE VILLAGE IS NOT SET IN THE PAST. That is, it looks like a Puritan sort of society set hundreds of years ago, but it's not. It's set in the present, though M. Night ShamalamaShitForBrains takes great pains to mislead you into thinking otherwise.

And, hey, if you're even remotely pissed at me for giving this away, don't be. I just did you a huge favor. The script is ham fisted and awkward. Everythign about it is painfully obvious, and stupid M. Night Shamalama continues to confused a molasses-slow pace with suspense. Even worse, that fucker clearly thinks he's Hitchcock, and finds some "clever" way to give himself a cameo.

This guy is overrated, and clearly in severe need of an ass-kicking. SIX SENSE was good, but I'm sensing it was a fluke. A lot of people in the world of comics like UNBREAKABLE, because it was a comics origin deconstruction, but it, too, was slow as all hell, and does not hold up over repeat viewings. His next effort, SIGNS, was just pure fucking crap. Clearly, M. Night Shamalama has built his rep on "needing a twist," and the whole idea that aliens would be repelled by water ON A FARM is freaking ridiculous. Surely this freakin' moron has heard of condensation... morning dew? That aliens who die when touched by water would hide out in a crop of corn totally does not hold up to logic.

Well, THE VILLAGE is even stupider, and M. Night Shamalama clearly will go to any lengths to provide a twist, no matter how fucking stupid it is. THE VILLAGE isn't a movie, it's an episode of the Twilight Zone, stretched into an interminable two-hour length.

You're been warned.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Diary of a Mad Black Woman?

Here's my most recent bio, taken from the upcoming Puffed TPB (click on either for the bigger version... duh!):

Thursday, March 03, 2005

The iPod just officially jumped the shark

What's the only thing stupider and more asinine than a U2 Special Edition iPod?

That's right: A Revenge of the Sith Special Edition iPod. Take my word for it... it's coming soon:

Ug... and the only thing more crappy than that would be a Beatles iPod. We can only pray the remaining members of that crap-ass band die before Paul Macarthy can whore himself out any further.

Remember, you read it here first. Unless, that is, you read it at

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Unbelievable but true

Ok, so most people who visit this site I'm sure are aware I write a comic book for Marvel called Gambit, which is the solo monthly adventures of an X-Men character.

Well, it's one thing that there are various site completely devoted to talking about Gambit, and analyzing everything Gambit does, and every word about Gambit I write. And when it comes to comics and fans, I figure I've seen pretty much everything. But I was wrong.

Click below to see a web site devoted to the character I write, Gambit. Or, more specifically, Gambit's ass:

The Amazing Adventures
of Gambit's Ass

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

ON SALE NOW: Our first celebrity endorsement

Hey, so I told you a while ago the new issue of InStyle has, in their "Celebrity Dish" section, a little write-up about Julia Stiles and some of her favorite things... which includes THIS BLOG. Anyway, I haven't picked up the issue yet, but it's supposed to be on page 147. I'll scan it in when I pick it up.

March 2005

Thanks, Julia! You're "da bomb." Want some free comic books?