Friday, April 29, 2005

THE LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

IRON PHOTOSHOP IMMUNITY CHALLENGE


FOR IMMUNITY:
A PHOTOSHOP CHALLENGE


The competition is getting pretty fierce now, and we figure it's high time to throw a monkey wrench into the proceedings. In the spirit of true survivors, we thought it would a good time to give people a chance to GUARANTEE them to be spared from next week's eLAYMANation.

So we are issuing an IRON PHOTOSHOP challenge. Anyone who participates, as long as their entry is not totally half-assed, can NOT be eLAYMANated. We also allow cartoons in the event you don't have a Photoshop-type program. However, Photo-manipulation takes priority (and is funnier,) so if everybody submits an entry, Photos will win over cartoons.

TODAY'S IRON PHOTOSHOP INGREDIENT:
Baby DeSantis



Eric DeSantis, in his palid Litany of Schist blog, claimed he was a Gerber Baby from 1973-1975. Honestly, Eric, did you think that would go unnoticed? That it would not come back to torment you? Eric, you fool! First of all, I don't think Eric was even BORN in 1973-1975, so this is clearly a lie.

So let's make fun of Eric, shall we? Your mission is to answer this question: "How ELSE did one-time Gerber Baby Eric Desantis spend his childhood?" Just so you know, sticking Eric's face on a jar of Gerber Baby food is lame. Having Michael Jackson dangle Baby DeSantis off a balcony is funny. Baby DeSantis in an Anne Geddis print? That's funny too. Baby DeSantis as the fuckin' brat in the Quizno's commercial? Not funny.

Note: actual baby pictures are grounds for immediate dismissal from the competition, you will be permanently blocked from access to this blog and your cable company will disable your high-speed connection.

Anyway, anybody who posts an Eric manipulated picture on their blog and sends me a link is automatically immune from next Thursday's eLAYMANation. As for the people who don't have Photoshop, it's time to catch up to the 21 Century, don't you think?

You have your marching orders, troops!

Oh, and Deadline to post is next Wednesday. No more than two pictures per contestant (or individual blog, in the case of dual-contender Darlene.)

Thursday, April 28, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK THREE RESULTS

(Before we get started, please note to tune in tomorrow, where the competitors will be given a chance for their first IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!)


WEEK THREE WINNER: WE HAVE A TIE

WEEK THREE WINNER: MAKI YAMANE

WEEK THREE WINNER: DARLENE


The grrrls have it in Week 3. This week's competition was simply too difficult to pick a winner. There are lots of reasons to pick Maki Yamane's blog, but only one reason to pick Darlene Alilains. So who should be the real winner? I'll leave that to you to decide.

So why did I pick Maki's blog, Trauma Queen ? Well, there is this. And this. And this. Oh, and this. Awesome, man... kick ass! Of course, everything that followed in her blog? Pfft. BO-ring! Look for a huge drop next week.
Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: 7-1

Darlene's Alilain's, Burning Kitchen once again walks the line between the purest, most concentrated tedium, punctuated with a single incandescent moment of seering brilliance. That moment: Right here. Awesome!!! Of course, it is doubtful she'll be able to keep this up. I mean, how could she possibly top that posting? (For the record, Bumble Buzz is EVEN SWEETER than described.)
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 4-1




Hmmm. John Oak Dalton has movie that came out this week about Piranhas called Razorteeth. . He says his WWII supernatural thriller is currently is currently being filmed. Either this guy is a huge liar, or he deserves some respect. Either way, he's clearly a cut about all the rest of these losers.
Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: 4-1

Hannibal Tabu is kinda a bastard. He's got a bad attitude, and he seems to hate everybody. I like that. However, in his The Operative Net, whose blog portion has not been updated since THE FOURTEENTH, he admits to being stuck on the "beach party dance" level of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. How is that even possible? Therefore, Hannibal is the first and only Laymamerican Idol contestant to get a homework assignment: Get through that level, lame-ass, or suffer ELAYMANATION!!!
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 6-1

Well, the 9/11 picture was kinda cliched, but it was balanced out by a picture of Ghostbuster's Winston Zeddamore in Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live. Wanna hear somethign sad? My sophomore year in high school, in 1984, I saw a matinee of Ghostbusters every day for a month and a half.
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 6-1



Ah, Baron. Baron Baron Baron. When I first met this guy, he was a sweet and innocent teen who'se only concern was coloring DV8 comics. On his 21st birthday I handed him his first beer, and said "try it, what's the worst that could happen?" Today, Baron is a thug and a creep, a mean drunk, and the hipster, punk, emo, goth king of San Diego. He has a harem of little emo chicks at his utter beck and call, and he the King Pimp of San Diego. So we do we get on his My Zombies blog? Pictures of his house in a termite tent. Yawn. And then Baron shamelessly went for easy points with Tom Long posting. That shit may work for Neal Pozner, but we hold David Baron to a higher standard. Consider this your stern rebuke.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 6-1

Here's an admission. This competition is biased. And, for some strange reason, I really, really, really want Eric DeSantis's Litany of Schist to win. However, Eric talking about porn, not to mention is abysmal taste in comics, is not going to be enough for win. I mean, I'm biased, but I'm not THAT biased.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 7-1

Like I said, Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs is bringing me a BILLION hits per day. Don't people in Cana-duh have anthing better to do? This isn't really a blog, and it doesn't really have a chance at winning, and yet I have to keep it in for now because of all the traffic it's bringing me.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 8-1



Well, you could see the writing on this wall. Neal Pozner's The Wind, has been a real snooze this week, plummeting from the chart-topping accolades it recieved last week. The "highlight" of his blog was a discourse about his PC, which this audience has zero interest in. In fact, Neal's entire blog was enough to put anybody in a persistant vegitative state, and when he teased us that he would be temporarly pulling the plug, even Tom Delay gave a shout of relief. Instead, Neal comes back with "fat guy t-shirts," which is surely some passive-aggressive attack on your humble narrator. Screw you, Neal! You're goin' down, bitch!
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 9-1

Good old Marcus may have shut down his nutty The Long and the Short of It, but I'm not going to rule him out of the competition just yet. I firmly believe Marcus has more tricks up his crafty sleeve (assuming people from Alabama wear shirts that have sleeves.) In fact, for all my jokes about Marcus, I hold him in the highest regard. Surrounded by the most treacherous of enemies (me and Tom Long,) Marcus has able to not just survive, but thrive. He's tenacious, and you may think he is down, but you can't rule him out. He reminds me of our last great president, Mr. Bill Clinton, The Comeback Kid, and I suspect Marcus will make a triumphant return just like our beloved ex-leader has. Plus, Marcus is just like Bill Clinton, from one of those weird state that begin with an "A", where everybody is related to one another.
Hey, Marcus, dude... if you are reading this. Email me at themightylayman_AT_comcast_DOT-net. I'm taking a vacation soon and am looking for a guest-host!
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 9-1

Information Overload bought me a nice milk frother for my coffee, and it works pretty good. She also bought me the Lego Episode III Wookee Attack set, which is pretty cool. Still, I'm not particularly known for my gratitude, am I?
Previous Odds: 12-1
New Odds: 10-1



Digio's As Mayor of This Town talks about his iPod, God of War, Star Wars and nursing a hangover. That keeps him alive for another week, though he's heading up the rear.
Previous Odds: 9-1
New Odds: 11-1

A mixed bag for James Nadiger's I Blame the Internets. He's got cat pictures, and pointed me in the direction of the Flyfly trailer (thanks, James.) However he also admitted he liked U2. which is a cardinal sin. You dumb bastard. You sick fuck! There are something are simply not appropriate to admit, even over the internet.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 14-1

I really ought boot Ollie Hearts Crickets. I don't like reptiles. I'm only keeping you in because you might do something cool in tomorrow's IMMUNITY CHALLENGE.
Previous Odds: 10-1
New Odds: 15-1



WEEK TWO LOSER#1: THE RUDE PUNDIT

WEEK TWO LOSER#2 (sorta): DAN RANDLETT.

The Rude Pundit has really lost its novelty for me lately. It's like discussing politics with Tom Long, if Tom was intelligent.

Shit, Dan, as they say on Survivor... "this is was my hardest vote yet." I didn't want to eLaymanate you, but two must go. Plus, you only didn't post in three days, after offering some tantalizing hint of something to come, but which never materialized. Still, it's an honor to just play, right? And do yourself a favor, don't think too much about the fact that you lost to a guy who doesn't even have a blog any more. Anyway, somebody had to go, and if I had the slighest idea what Psychonauts was, it might have been enough to keep you instead of that stupid lizard. Sorry, Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap... you've been eLAYMANated!!!

HALL OF SHAME
WEEK TWO:
Scott Robin's All Ages
Brian Perez's Logic and Nausea
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

O.G. Playahs

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Behold the technological wonder that is... Layman

I call this... the Pyramid Of Awesomeness™!





SURGURY WAS PERFORMED

The guts to my iPod, just before myself (and the steady hands of Information Overload) changed my ailing battery.



I don't advise any of you folks to try this at home. It's a complex job. However, as has been pointed out to me repeatedly over the last several days:
I am a GENUIS!!!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK TWO RESULTS

SUNDAY UPDATE: Oh, shit, sorry I am so unbelievably late. I've been busy as all hell. But I finally finished the script, and went to my weekly Japanese lessons, and did a whole bunch of other shit, including going to a going-away party for my buddy Jim, who is heading to comic book company as their marketing dude in an attempt to make it (I hope) less fucked up. Anyway, here, I'm going to finish this week's Laymamerican Idol, in between watching scenes of the original Japanese version of The Grudge (so far, I'm liking the American version better, but that is a different post.)

(One more thing... since this is late, only things posted up Thursday or before is being judged. Everything after that rolls over into next week.)


WEEK TWO WINNER: NEAL POZNER?!?!?!?.



Holy crap. Surely this must be one of the signs of the apacolypse. Neal Pozner, the most tedious person on earth, winner of this week's pulse pounding Laymamerican Idol. Surely I am peaking on acid at the moment, and this is all just part of my very bad trip. Neal included a very cool picture of a Russian building, and a family photo. Did you know Neal's mom brough me homemade caramels for Christmas? Of course you did. What tipped the scales was an essasy on the sub-human Anne Culter, though. The Rude Pundit had a similar essay, and it was too crude even for me. When Neal can out-essay the Rude Pundit, without resorting to easy Tom Long jokes, you know that he's pulled off a coup. Laymamerican Idol has no choice but to proclaim Neal's The Wind, a Silent But Deadly blog. Congrats, Neal. On the other hand, Neal has clearly peaked, which drastically lowers his odds for later weeks in this competition.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 7-1




Last week's winner, David Baron'sMy Zombies slipped a bit this week. He started start with a custom Laymamerican Idol pic, and urged readers not to see Amityville Horror. Considering how bad Baron's movie taste is, this is strangely out of character, but a welcome change. Baron then stumbled savagely with a sideshow of party picture of his no-doubt loutish friends. Laymamerican Idol™ had the misfortune to sit next to one of Baron's annoying friend at a convention dinner last year, and almost poked his own eyes out with a martini stirrer as a result. Baron is still not completely forgiven over that, even though he paid for the meal. Anyway. The slideshow part of it was cool, but in the future, we need to see either more girls, or more Baron, and less of your buffoony roommates. How'd you do that slideshow anyway? Flash? And-- hey, you can't win them all.
Previous Odds: 2-1
New Odds: 3-1

Damn. I sure was wrong about Darlene's Alilain, Burning Kitchen. Sure, it's kinda hit and miss, but it has at least one moment of sheer brilliance. Her odds, as a result, just increased dramatically.
Previous Odds: 9-1
New Odds: 3-1

Marcus' The Long and the Short of It, continued his comedic diatribes in the guise of a shameless red-state Bush-apologist. He gave a special shout-out to Laymamerican Idol, and even gave me an affectionate nickname (I tried not to read between the lines to much, but I'm afraid he might be hitting on me.) Despite his rudimentary understanding of HTML, and his inability to link to this blog, he was able to post a picture of the handsome Laymamerican Idol host, clearly a desperate manuver to increase the number of hits to his blog. Still, the high-light of this week surely was when he tried to use common sense to argue against evolution. And you simply can't do that, because evolution IS common sense. His RATIONALE was that scientists finally found a dinosaur bone with soft tissue. Professor Marcus, with his vast Alabaman scientific background, said that " There is no way on this earth that soft tissues could have survived 70 million years, and anyone who thinks they could have survived more than a few thousand years needs to have his/her head examined." Well, how the hell do you know, that Marcus? I believe he is using this to support his Christan argument for "intelligent design," or whatever other loony, backwater notion Christians are currently pushing. Fact is, it does the opposite. PALEONTOLOGISTS have been finding dinosaur bones for a while now, and this was the needle in the haystack. Archaelogists have found them, too, on various archaeological digs. Face it, it's a miracle, Marcus! God's way of telling us evolution IS a fact. But he did refer to me as an "author" in his fawning post about me. That's gotta count for something.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: unchanged
UPDATE: At press time, Marcus claims he is shutting down his blog. If this isn't some narrow-minded red-state stunt, than it is clear that Marcus is running scared, and unable to face the scrutiny of the INSIGHTFUL mind and razor-keen wit of Kid Layman™. Whatta little sissy man!
SUNDAY UPDATE: Today, Marcus completely threw in the towel and shut down his sad little blog, a tacit admission of his wrongheaded way, as well as a whole-hearted embrace of the world-view of this blog. He left of couple of comments down in the comments thread, I see, but I have not had the time to read them, being that I am so unbelievably busy. However, I skimmed over the comments and found that he called me a "genius" TWICE. I'd say that is pretty cool, considering that Marcus and I disagree on just about everything, he is still able to admit the obvious and admit what the rest of the world knows; Layman=Genuis. Thanks, dude! I'm pretty glad right now that he's a right-wing homophobe, otherwise I'd be a little worried he is falling in love with me. (An understandable reaction, of course.)



Some painful missteps for Eric DeSantis's Litany of Schist this week. He posted his comic book reading list of the week, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Eric is one goofy-ass mother fucker. However, his moment of redemption came with two creatively written posts concerning the "narrator" at a strip club. I've knocked Eric in the past, but how he was able to capture the voice of a straight man was unnerving. How did you do it? And how do you even know what goes on in a strip club. You don't even look old enough to get it, sonny!
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 4-1

Kevin Smith, Con pictures, a movie review and picture of some chick I've never heard of (am I supposed to have? Who is the hell Bella Donna?Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live is gonna have to work a little harder--but just a little-- to get to the top spot.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 5-1
SUNDAY UPDATE: According to David Baron, Bella Donna is some weird porn star. I guess if I would have know that (or if Bella Donna would have been better looking,) you would have scored better this week, Mary. Not to worry, though, I have a good feeling about your performance this week.

Hannibal Tabu's The Operative Net gains a notch only because I fucked up the other day and called him "Hannibal Tuba." I think that would have been hilarious if I did it on purpose, but since it was an accident, I'll make it up to him but upping his odds. Still, you notice I'm not saying a single word about the actual content of his blog. I bet that is annoying as all hell. (tee hee)
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 4-1



James Nadiger's blog, I Blame the Internet. didn't have a whole lot to say, and his obvious attempt to chamr the judges with a picture of a cute little kitty cat will not affect the competition until next week (where it is sure to get a huge bump!)
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 7-1

Dear Christ. I need to show Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs more respect. Not only is it a webcomics AND a blog, but it brought me, like, a billion hits last week. I'm convinced Sore Thumbs must be the Canadian equivalent of Garfield, or Family Circus, or something like that. Anyway, Canada may be a weird, frightening place, but let's give a hand to Sore Thumbs, Canada's Greatest export!
Previous Odds: 14-1
New Odds: 7-1

Maki Yamane's blog, Trauma Queen only had three meager posts this week, and one of them was about sports. Bleegghghh! Not only that, she references a party thrown by Information Overload! Dude! That was my party. Information Overload just cooked the food. Who was that guy who was upstairs half the time, smokin' the kind herbage? Dat's right! Kid Layman! Representing the hiz-ouse. Layman represents, and Trauma Queen needs to respect!
Previous Odds: 5.5-1
New Odds: 8-1
SUNDAY UPDATE: HOLY FUCKING CRAP. Maki's latest blog posting came too late for this week, but it's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Or maybe it's just the rum and cokes talking. Either way, she might be the chick to beat next week, unless you punks step it up a notch.



I wish John Oak Dalton would talk a little more about movies. Or maybe tell us how 24 Comic Challenge Thingie went.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 8-1

The Rude Pundit dropped quite a bit this week. I guess I'm getting tired of his schtick.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 9-1

Digio's As Mayor of This Town is still pleasantly goofy, but seems to be lacking in substance.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 9-1



Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap talked about Superman, which, for the record, is NOT a way to score point on this blog. He also kind of went on about the object of his sexual desire. Anybody else a little weirded out by this?
Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: 10-1

I still hate lizards. They bore me, and did you know-- it's a fact-- they are among the filthiest of all the reptiles? It's true. Nonetheless, Ollie Hearts Crickets benefits from the good week that it's companion blog, Burning Kitchen, just had. Not exactly fair, is it? Tough shit.
Previous Odds: 20-1
New Odds: 10-1

Information Overload had an okay blog this week. I liked how she kept saying she wasn't going to blog, and then blogged. Ho-Hum. She squeaks by this week, with a stern warning that her odds might improve if she bothered to take a turn changing the freakin' little box once in a while.
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 12-1



WEEK TWO LOSER#1: BRIAN PEREZ.

WEEK TWO LOSER#2: SCOTT ROBINS.


Despite not posting in a long time, I kept Brian Perezin the competition for his Logic and Nausea blog. However, I was recently contacted by his attorney. Seems Brian is avoiding all publicity, due to the fact that he is testifying in a celebrity trial about certain sleepover young Brian had with a pop singer. Out of respect for children everywhere, as well as America's judicial system, Brian is being eLAYMANated. Brian, however, made himself available for a single cryptic comment: "It's all true! And it tasted awful!"
Uh, we'll take your word for it, Brian.

Sadly, we had to choose another, and that dubious distinction goes to Scott Robin's All Ages. He only posted once last week, and it was about the Eisner Awards. As an editor, I used to have to sit through the Eisner Awards, and they were just about the most boring things on Earth. Also, I really take exception to some of their nominations, as well as what doesn't get nominated. Which isn't to say that I wouldn't accept an Eisner, 'cause of course I would. However, last year, my book Puffed came out, which I thought would be a shoe-in for a nomination for the humor catagory. It was overlooked, which would have been fine, except for the fact that one of the nominations was for REPRINT MATERIAL. What the fuck? That's like giving Seinfeld an Emmynext year. Bullshit! Anyway, Scott, all you did last week was scratch at a very painful wound. Therefore, you must be eLAYMANated!!

HALL OF SHAME
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Laymamerican Idol Rain Delay



Actually, I'm desperately trying to finish a script, so results might not be in until later tomorrow. Or even Saturday, if this thing doesn't speed along.

Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, chances are you did not win.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ha. Check this out.

Written by yours truly. In store May 3.



Tee hee. Check out my Amazon bio. "Decades."

Tremble Ye, before John Layman™, the God of War

Once again, big ups to Charlie Chu, who pointed me in the direction of GOD OF WAR for Playstation 2. It's been getting great reviews, 9.5 out of 10s, across the board, so I picked it up. And it really is spectacular, a game that starts out good and continues to get better and better. The visuals are astonishing, like something out of a Terry Gilliam movie by way of Ridley Scott, and it really feels epic, and awesome, in the non-California-slang sense of the word awesome. As in "awe-inspiring." The gameplay is fantastic, as is the combat system, and this game is as bloody and violent a game as I've ever seen. It's also got naked boobs of harem females and various goddesses, and I ain't gonna complain about that. I showed Ed Brubaker the part where you get the first visual of the hundred-foot-tall Ares, and Ed just about went nuts. So did I, the first time I saw it, but there are about 12 dozen other moments where you jaw just drops and you can't say anything other than "holy shit!"

Good stuff. Not quite as good as GTA: San Andreas, but quite possibly the second best game I've ever played for the PS2. Or possibly third, because I have a lot of fondness for 2003's Beyond Good and Evil.