Ug. I just got back from an advance VIP screening of United 93, and I'll say the same thing about this movie as I did Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List and Meet The Fockers: This movie was not funny at all.
In the six years since the events of September 11th (or 91/1, as it is better known,) one thing is certain: America needs to heal. And what has more resortative healing power than the magic that is laughter? United 93 certainly has potential as a movie, but I have a sure-fire suggestion on how to make it better. You know those "mash-up" songs that consist of TWO different songs put together into one single AWESOME song? They should do the same with United 93, and the other definitive classic movie of the airline genre: Soul Plane.
Taking three-year old hit comedy of summer 2004 and "mashing" it with United 93 would be a sure-fire way to draw in the coveted 18-25 demographic. ESPECIALLY if the mash-up included segments from the saucy "unrated and out of control" edition, where they show lots of big naked boobies in the hot tub in the plane's lower "dance club" level.
Imagine the laughs when Mo'Nique, fresh from her recent silver-screen triumph Phat Girlz, plays the amorous airport security guard Jamiqua, who dishes out the sass even while she's grabbin' that ass! Sure, it's her fault when the terrorists get through the metal detector and onto the plane on her watch, but as a world-class writer, I know how important it is to a movie to have a sympathetic character. Who could stay mad at Mo'Nique when she's delighting us with her antics and wisecracks? Fat girls are horn-dogs! OMFG-- I think I just spit up Coke through my nose 'cause I wuz laughing so hard!
Meanwhile, America's favorite ganja-hound and rapper, Snoop Doggie Dogg, plays the tragically doomed airline pilot Antoine Mack. Sure, Al-Queda puts a bullet in head before the beginning of the second reel, but first Snoop, in a hot second, is "hittin' them switches and gettin' this bitch pumpin' and jumpin'." Awesome! He also makes the plane bounce like a low rider as it takes off on the runaway to its inevitable doom. Hysterical!!
And finally, Tom Arnold plays Mr. Hunkee, with the hottie daughter and the hip-hop son. What's more, he is also poignant metaphor for the "pre-September 11th" mindset of America, before the tragic events, which, coincidentally, took place on the same day. And it will be Tom Arnold, in his everyman role as the Passenger Who Dared to Defy Al Queda, who will teach of the real meaning of the word sacrifice, and inspire us and generations to come with what it means to be a Hero.
Anyway, if I were the director of United 93, that's what I would have done to "keep it real."
Hollywood, if you are looking for me, I'll be standing outside by the mailbox, waiting for my check.