SuperLAYMANstein's... The News Explained in Kitty-Cat Pictures

Some time ago, Tom Peyer, in his derivative SUPERFRANKENSTEIN blog, poached one of my ideas, and turned it into a regular weekly item on his own blog, THE NEWS EXPLAINED IN COMIC BOOK COVERS, which is featured both on his blog and the comic book news site THE PULSE.

Anyway, in the interest of keeping faithful readers of this blog entertained and informed, here is the "News Explained" feature as it was meant to be seen, before Mr. Peyer perverted into a grotesque parody.



Deadly U.S. Attack in Pakistan Targets Al Qaeda No. 2



Socialist favored as Chile votes for president



Cinema backflip over cowboy love story



Study confirms sleep essential for creativity



An overweight nation grows more accepting of obesity



Greenpeace and Japanese whaling standoff escalates



Two snowmobilers missing in Montana

Laymerican Idol: THE FINAL TALLY!!!!

THE WINNER
JAMES. FUCKING. NADIGER

A few weeks ago, this blog started a feature known as Layamerican Idol, in which case 20 bloggers of varying degrees of talent, from the uber-awesome to the laughably bad, were rated, and, one-by-one, E-LAYMAN-ATED. After the blood has dried and the dust has settled, it seems clear that there is only one true blogger worthy of the coveted crown of Laymamerican Idol, and that is the sweet little Canadian blogger known as James ("Jimmy") F. Nadiger.

He wins by quantity more than quality, posting sometimes upwards in 5 posts a day, and the vast majority of the time the posts are interesting, if not at least mildly interesting. To compare and contrast him to other runner's up: Unlike Eric DeSantis, James is not a shameless DC whore with ludacrisly bad taste in comics. Unlike, David Baron, with his endless parade of trashy goth skanks, James' harem has a clueless Canadian wholesomeness to them. Unlike Hannibal Tabu, James has not threatened to kill me, in the most violent ways possibly. And James is, (thank god!) simply unlike Neal Pozner.

So, in conclusion: the crown-prince of bloggers, and the proud winner of the 2005 coveted trophy for Laymamerican Idol, is James ("Jim-Bob") F. Nadiger's I Blame the Internets




James


One of James' "ladies"


James' toys


James' sweet little kitty cat




Next: The losers... where are they now?

fox news is a freakin' cartoon

Screen grab, stolen from crooksandliars.com

"Will Vicious Dems pay for driving Alito's wife to tears?"


anybody who still maintains there is a liberal media bias in America ought to be shot in the face.

coming this spring! I can't waits!!

Claw/Red Sonja #2... on sale, uh... this April?

cover by Gabriel Dell'Otto. Variant cover (not pictured) by Jim Lee.



Insiteful interview with "Kid" Layman here.

Adios you dirty scumfuck-- Part Two

"Embattled DeLay won't reclaim House leadership post."



Now, who wants to bet a million dollars that he will be replaced by somebody just as crooked, white, evil, vile and rich?

Layman state of Television 2006: TUESDAYS

TUESDAY:
The best night of TV all week, up until a couple of weeks ago.

My Name is Ed: Part of the Layman-staple of Tuesday TV. But NBC just moved it to Thursdays, so look for the write-up of this show in the appropriate upcoming blog posting.

The Office: Definite required viewing, but also recently moved to Thursdays.

House: I’ve heard good things about this show, and I know a couple of people who swear by it. But I won’t watch it. Wanna know why? Because it’s a medical show. I don't watch medical shows at all, because they only have two plots: Somebody gets sick and they either get better, or they die. And half the time they get sick because they are old. I don't particularly give a crap about sick people, or old people, or relationships between medical staffs, so I avoid medical shows like the plague.

Law & Order SUV: Far and away my favorite Law & Order. Not only does it have the most consistent cast, but it’s also the most salacious, and you never know what crazy, depraved stuff they are going to come up with. You know they are just one bad writer away from child-molesting space-aliens. Also, I like Olivia, and the guy from Oz, and, as an old Homicide fan I’m always comforted by Richard Belzer’s Munch character. Best of all is Ice-T, and I really love the shows where he is the featured cop. Or, better yet, when he is the featured cop dealing with things like a gay son or returning some lost kid to her grandma. Considering this is the guy who rapped about killing cops in the late 80s and early 90s, I am just endlessly amused by the fact he plays a cop now on TV. Plus, most of his albums are on my iPod, and are some of the tunes I enjoy the most when they come up on shuffle. I can remember in 1991, at my friend Craig’s college graduation party, when I was peaking on acid, and there were a bunch of old people who showed up at the party... aunts and grandmothers and elderly well-wishers, and they were seriously freaking me out. After a while, Craig decided these old fogeys were a serious drag on the party, so he put on Ice-T’s heavy metal Body Count album (with the notorious “Cop Killer” song) and he turned it to deafening, window-shattering full-blast. And it seems like every single one of those old farts simultaneously dropped dead of a heart attack. Anyway, every time I watch Law & Order and see Ice-T I have a mini acid-flashblack to that crazy party of Craig’s.

South Park: I don't know. Is this even on on Tuesday’s anymore? I don’t know. A couple years ago South Park creators Parker and Stone came out in support of George Bush, and ever since then, I have nothing to do with their show. I know SP fans will say that everybody gets skewered equally, but I don’t believe that. After five years after George Bush’s goddamn nonsense, anybody who still remotely supports him is an asshole in my book, and if I can avoid supporting a Bush fan, I will.

Nip/Tuck: Man, my whole inspiration for this little TV-series of blog posting I’m doing was Nip/Tuck, and the god-awful Season 3 finale where it jumped the shark with a sonic boom. N/T has always been a guilty pleasure, with a lot of “I can’t believe they are showing that on TV” shock value, and just low-brow, salacious soap. But the last 15 minutes of the final episode abandoned all pretense for logic, and was just shocking and stupid (most stupid) for stupidity’s sake. I could go on, but I don't have the heart to. This was a show I really enjoyed, and I’m not sure I can every watch it again, it was so wretched and insulting.

The Shield Probably my favorite show, given that Sopranos is so erratic, and the last Sopranos seasons have been kinda a let down (more on that in an upcoming post.) What I love about the Shield is how they ratchet up the tension, and just when you think things couldn’t get more fucked up for Vic, it seems to. Plus, I think my friend David Baron does a great job playing Vic's crooked-cop little buddy Shane.

The winner:



Law & Order SUV. The Shield is a better show, but Law & Order is around more, and so it provides me more bulk hour entertainment. Plus, the Ice-T thing.

Go Dave!

Anybody else enjoy Bill O'Reilly getting verbally bitch-slapped by David Letterman? I've never a seen an interview with Letterman where he has been so serious, or where his loathing of a guest as been so obvious.

Check out a clip on Crooksandliars if you haven't already.

Layman move review: THE CUBE

A couple folks recommended this after I spoke so gushingly of HELLELEVATOR (which was not so awesome in the second viewing, but still pretty damn good.)

And I think it is safe to say, even though THE CUBE and HELLEVATOR are fairly different, they are similar enough to describe the THE CUBE is Cana-duh's version of HELLEVATOR. That is, a bunch of strangers stuck together in a close-confines, and we slowly get to know everybody, and not everybody is who they appear to be--and pretty soon people start winding up dead.

Of course, the primary difference IS that THE CUBE is from Canada, which means everybody is far more polite than they need to be. Everybody is vaguely funny-looking, like all Canadians, and nobody has a very thick head of hair, just like my strange Candian poster boy, James Nadiger . In the Cube, a half dozen people are going from one square room to another, looking for a way out, and avoiding deathtraps. But, like I said, because it's Canadian, even the deathtraps are polite, and a soothing voice will come on ten second before the trap is sprung and say "kindly step away from the flame throwers," "please beware of the death lasers," and "oh, do be so good as to avoid the poison gas." And then everybody curtsies delicately before they run from the particular deathtrap.

Anyway, this movie kept me entertained, even as I updated my ipod and futzed around with my CDs, deciding what old crap should be put onto the iPod (tonight winners; Sisters of Mercy's Floodland, Barry Black's Tragic Animal Stories and Pink Floyd Momentary Lapse In Reason. Sorry those aren't particularly "cool" or "edgy," but I'm got more then 3500 songs loaded up now, so the good stuff was put on long ago.) Usually about halfway through a movie I put it on double speed and read the subtitles, but this held my interest enough I didn't have to (also, because it is Canadian, the DVD did not have a subtitle option--lame!) I only fast-forwarded once--during a scary part, because I'm a great big fucking puss.

Anyway, six people enter the cube. A jerk, a prison-escapee, a math nerd, an engineer, a doctor and a retard. It's a Canadian movie, so of course you can be sure the retard will live.



Next up on the Netflix que:
The Cube 2
The Missouri Breaks
and something else I forget.

Layman State of Television 2006: MONDAYS

MONDAY:
A decent night for TV, starting to take nosedive.

I like Arrested Development quite a bit. I'm not as rabid as a lot of fans, and I'm not gonna piss and moan too loud it is cancelled. I think Fox would be very dumb to pull the plug, considering the awards and accolades this show gets, and I think it probably does well in DVD sales, and I'm sure if it ever reached syndication where you could watch an episode every night, the show would do gangbusters. But it probably won't. Most Americans are idiots, it's a sad fact, and most prefer crap. And so Arrested Development will constantly be on the edge of cancellation. Maybe it would be better to pull the plug so this doesn't have the stigma of being on life-support as it limps along. But, damn, when this show is funny, it's a goddamn riot.

I did not expect to like Prison Break, but I have to admit I like it, especially on nights after I've been drinking (which, ideally, is every night,) this show kicks ass. Clearly, Prison Break owes a huge debt to "pull-crazy-shit-out-of-our-ass-and-make-it-up-as-we-go-along" shows like 24, but damned if it does not work. It's like 24 meets a less-hardcore Oz, with tattooed prison dude coming up wiht some wacky ingenious shit every week, and then alternately being stymied. I especially like the creepy child-molesting racist hick named Teabag, based this blog's loyal reader, Tom B. Long.

Two And A Half Men has the potential of being the funniest show on TV, and certainly it was a great sitcom during last season. Charlie Sheen-- and I say this in all seriousness-- is a COMIC GENIUS, plus I like the little boy played by young C.B Cebulski. And Jon Cryer is pretty good as the nebbish, wet blanket. In particular, I love episodes where Charlie Sheen is just blatantly drunk and a having sex with every skank that moves. But, sadly, the show has sorta limped along with shows that are obviously written by writers on auto-pilot. Oh, well, it's occasionally funny. I'll Tivo it when Prison Break is on repeats and then skip episodes that don't prominent feature Charlie or little C.B.

I'm not crazy about Medium, but my roommate likes it, and so I watch it while it is on, and I find it entertaining enough. Actually, it always suprises me, because it walks a fine line between being predictable and creative. It seems to try new things, even as it provides a sort of comfort-food sleepy regularity. Man, the middle daughter is the biggest fucking brat on the face of the planet. Watching her is pretty much TV's best argument for birth-control.


The winner:



Prison Break, only because it's not gonna be threatened by cancellation any time soon. This is a recommendation with reservations, though, because this show could get real lame, real quick.

Layman State of Television 2006: SUNDAYS

Yah yah, i know. I've been extraordinarily freaking lame updating lately. Blogging is kinda like working out, I've discovered: easy to do when you're doing it, hard to keep up with once you stop.

Anyway, I intended to blog about this a while ago, when I had my heart broken by the Season Three finale of Nip/Tuck, but then I got so sickened and disgusted I just gave up halfway through.

But, I figure, with a new year upon us, it's time to take stock in what's worth watching and what's not on the tube. Of course, you have a right to your own opinion, but keep in mind only I am correct.

SUNDAY
I've pretty much given up on TV on Sunday.

Simpsons have not made me laugh in a long time, but I would not go as far as to urge Fox to pull the plug. It's weird, somehow; the Simpsons I thought were lame 4 years ago seem kinda funny now. I'm hoping someday I'll gain an appreciatation for the current batch of Simpsons currently coming out, but it won't be anytime soon.

Family Guy I think is funny, though hit and miss, and if it's on I'll watch it and usually get a laugh. However, for some reason it's not a show I go out of my way to see.

Desperate Housewives I've given up on. It seemed okay last season, entertaining enough, but it's really devolved into lame, predictable shit, and not only that, you'd be hard-pressed to find a more consistently man-hating show on TV. Of course, most sitcoms in the last 15 or 20 years are pretty solidly man-hating. Anyway, I quit watching it one week, and never looked back.

Law and Order, Criminal Intent is a show I've never gotten into. I love the other L&Os dearly, but by the time this one rolled around, I didn't need another addiction, so I've never watched it. And I like Vincent D'nofrio enough. Eh. Maybe someday.

That's pretty much the ony stuff on my radar on Sunday nights, and I'm not a regular viewer of any of it. I wouldn't watch stupid Grey's Anatomy if I my life depended on it. In fact, I don't watch medical shows at all, because they only have two plots: Somebody gets sick and they either get better, or they die. And half the time they get sick because they are old. I don't particularly give a crap about sick people, or old people, or relationships between medical staffs, so I avoid medical shows like the plague (HA!-- Get it?!)

The winner:



Er, a tie between Simpsons and Family Guy, but sort of a lackluster one. Or, maybe Family Guy gets a slight edge, just 'cause it occationally makes me laugh.

Sentinel Squad #1 preview

Giant freakin' robots smashin' the crap out of things. Click for a larger image.

Schiavelli no more

Character actor Vincent Schiavelli, dead of lung cancer at age 57. I always liked this guy. Seems like he hadn't been in movies recently.

Layman movie Review: KING KONG 2005

Dude, what the hell? I had such high hopes for this movie, but Peter Jackson is clearly out of control. For his next movie, he needs to reign it the fuck back in.

Damn, I really wanted to like this movie. I loved all three Lord of the Rings movies, and their expanded counterparts, but they were were adapting a 1000-something pages of a giant-ass book trilogy, while King Kong takes the original hour and a half movie and stretches it out to eternity.

Every single action sequence in the new King Kong went twice as long as it should have. The rampaging dinosaurs, the fight in the spider pit, the fight against the T-Rexes (one should have sufficed, not three) and even the cab-ride to escape the ape scene in New York. Plus, the first hour really should have been cut up by a half an hour. It's sad, because here's a movie that could have been great, if only I was a film editor and had final cut.

Anyway, the CGI with the ape really was astounding, and the moments with Naomi Watts--who is not exactly hard on the eyes--were the highlight of the film. But why the subplot about Jimmy the sailor boy? There was no resolution, unless (the likely scenario) it was left on the cutting room floor (where much of the rest of the movie should have been.) And did anyone notice that the long "filming in the island with Anne and telling her to scream" sequence, which was shown in the extended theater trailer, was not actually in the movie.

I don't want to make it sound like I hated the movie, because I didn't. But I was definitely numbed by all its excess. Probably not something I'd buy when it comes to DVD. You want to see a really great Peter Jackson movie? Rent "Heavenly Creatures."

coming in March: CLAW/RED SONJA

Claw/Red Sonja #1 (of four) with covers by Alex Ross (pictured) and Jim Lee

Sorry I've been so miserable at blogging lately. I have a video game I have to finish by the 20th, and three different comic book I am juggling (Sentinel Squad, Claw/Red Sonja, and another that is not announced just yet.)

Lego Dino Attack Addendum

This is really interesting.

If you go to the Lego Web Site (like I do every hour,) you'll notice there are both America versions of the Dino Attack Sets and European versions. In the US, it is called Dino ATTACK, and features "mutant" dinosaurs that the little lego guys must take down with weapons on their vehicles.

However, the European version is called Dino 2010 and the vehicles are equipped with cages and nets to CAPTURE --NOT kill-- the dinosaurs. So, I'm wondering, what does it say about American culture that we need to give our dinosaurs super-powers and then hunt them to extinction again?

The Layman Lego Project: Dino Attack!!

The Layman Lego Project will soon be updated.

Layman Movie Review: ROBOTS

Beautiful dogshit. That's the short review.

The longer review: A really nice looking computer animated movie that was dopey as all hell. Clearly, computer animation has advanced to the point where any idiot can do it. And, in this case, they have.

I don't understand why nobody but Pixar understands how to make a decent feature-length cartoon, but the freakin' dopes who did Robots (and A Shark's Tale, for that matter,) don't have a clue.

After seeing Shark's Tale, I sorta knew what to expect, a bunch of dumb puns abouts robots and machines instead of fish and seafood. And where Shark's Tale tried to be edgy and urban (clearly most of the fish in lead roles except for the sharks were supposed to be "black fish,") Robots is just dumb and directionless. I mean, who on Earth still thinks Robin William's riff-on-everything-a-mile-a-minute is funny? It hasn't been funny for 15 years, and to be honest, it wasn't really funny even back then.

Another thing that really made me sick was the "message" of this movie, which was twofold. The first one is: if you just have a kid, you will be happy, and it's the greatest goal people can aspire to is to procreate. Frickin' yawn! The other is the old corporate cliche, about how if you work really hard and are passionate, you'll eventually triumph against the soulless Capitalism moneygrubbers that don't give a damn about the workers. Bullshit. Chances are, if you have a job at a large company, you will eventually be crushed. A great majority of everyone my age or younger is going to lose their pension (if indeed they have one in the first place) and get old eating ramen and dog food, while rich assholes become richer assholes. Isn't that, after all, why Republicans keep getting elected? Because most people aspire to be a rich asshole? All of this sends a terrible message to kids. Namely, there is hope for you and your future. Wake up, you little brats... you are fucked, just like everybody else in this foul country. (I told you... the hate is back.)

Anyway, this movie was insulting and obvious and dumb, though it definitely had some pretty visuals. I watched it on double speed, like I watch all lousy movies, and I even had to forward it to 4x. See it at your own risk: It will poison your mind.

Layman movie Review: CRASHNOLIA

Crash was a damn good movie.


But... it was freakin' Magnolia. It was the same movie, more or less. Big cast, all interacting and intersecting, with a healthy dose of coincidence and a weird and/or unlikely occurrance at the end. The difference, of course, is theme, and where Magnolia sorta dealth with regret and "sins of the past," Crash takes a look a race, and basically concludes we're all prejudice assholes in some form or another, but we can be decent one-on-one or with or to the people we love.

Still, of the two, I prefer Crash. I got Magnolia as a gift DVD a couple Christmasses back, and it is too shrill to hold up over repeat viewings. The Julianne Moore character is unwatchable, she is so screeching and annoying, and Tom Cruise has only gotten worse as you realize his "I'm a frothing nutbag" shtick is not really an act. Of course, the Amee Mann music was nice.

Crash was much more low key than Magnolia, and as a whole I liked the cast better (especially Don Cheadle, who I've loved since his days on Picket Fences.) Sandra Bullock, who I can't stand anyways, essentially plays the unwatchable Julianna Moore part, but at least she has less screen time. And I thought Ludacris has really charm and screen presence. Anyway, both my roommate and I watched the movie, without fast forewarding it once, and afterwords we both turned to one another and agreed it was a damn good movie. Lemme tell you, that don't happen too much.



Next reviews up: Robots, Alice & Darkness Light Darkness, and Godzilla Giant Monsters All-Out Attack.

Also upcoming: All about my Xbox 360, more Layman Lego Project, my Christmas list, an announcement about my new comics gig, and Proof Your Are A Shithead If You Remotely Support George Bush.

Tanned, rested and ready

Well, look for regular blogging to begin again tomorrow. I came back from Japan and had three scripts and a video game level to write, and that sorta sapped all the energy out of me. But I'm done, even though I've got NEW scripts to write (mainly because Sentinel Squad artist Aaron Lopresti is insanely fast-- I can barely keep up.)

So anyway, since Japan, I've also gone on this insane excersize regimen, losing around 17 lbs., which has also been taking a lot of my time.

Now, I'm sitting in a Starbucks in my home town of Yuba City, after another miserable visit home. (Miserably primarily because my dad has Alzheimer's and is at a point where you can almost SEE his brains seeping out of his head.)

Anyway, the LAYMAN '05 BLOG OMNIBUS starts in earnest tomorrow, where I shall catch you up on all wisdom I've acquired in the past month. A word of warning: That 17 lbs. I lost seemed to hold all of my "jolliness reserves," so expect a LOT of bitterness and bile.

See ya soon, suckahs!

JL

On Sale Today: Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2

Written by Layman.

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately

I dunno. I've had a lot of scripts due, and have been excersizing like crazy, and have not had much to say.


While you wait for me to get inspired, here's a picture of the cutest little angel in the entire world, Reginald James Bucket, being groomed by Batty Ray Ruggles.


Doesn't he look super cute and happy? The poor stupid creature has NO idea how dark and terrible the world really is.


But I do. Oh, how I do!




*sob*

Layman movie Review: THE FUGGETABOUTIT

Dude, this movie totally suffers from bad casting. If I were the casting director I would have absolutely gone a different direction and got somebody like Danny Aiello (whatever happened to that guy?) or maybe the guy who played "Big Pussy" Bompansaro to play the Julianne Moore part.

So anyway, Julianne Moore plays this "reputed" mob boss, whose son, a future mob enforcer, is inexplicably missing and, for some strange reason, everybody is pretending not to remember he exists. Anthony Edwards is in it, playing another mob capo, and, man, is he looking old (does anybody remember that 1980s pre-Revenge of the Nerds teen sex comedy with Linda Fiorintino and Anthony Edwards, where she's a spy he fell in love with? What was that called? Anybody?) Anyway, stupid mob boss Julianna Moore befriends another lowlife neighbor "from the neighborhood," whose daughter turned stoolie, and also disappeared. For the next 127 minutes Julianne Moore just goes from person to person axing people if they have seen her young son. And everybody she ax shakes their head and answers, "Hey Julianne... fuggetaboutit!!" Then Julianne Moore, who is supposed to be this big, tough, hard-as-nails mob boss, either runs away or starts crying or starts screaming.

Intolerable.

This is my pledge to you

The next mother fucking clerk who tries to sneak a Canadian penny in with the rest of my change is going to get their mother fucking face smashed in!!!!

Another ghost of Halloween Past: Halloween '99

Zombie Picachu with, uh, Undead Consort.

The ghosts of Halloween past

Marge Simpson with Fat Elvis.