To the Happiest Girl in the World, on the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee

Out of the ashes of 9/11, came joy, laughter... and love.



On March 29, 2002, exactly five years ago today, the Happiest Girl in the World had her most furvent dream realized, as she entered into a legally binding civil contract to protect and serve, love, honor and obey, and, above all else, cherish her every moment joyously spent with "Kid" Layman. According to the home page on my Safari web browser (Zales.com!), today makes this our Diamond Jubilee. Yay! It was a small ceremony, with less than 30 of my most ardent fans, on a cliff overlooking the ocean in some state park in San Diego.

Anyway, it's been a pretty good five years, and I've lived up to my obligation to keeping her The Happiest Girl in the World. In fact, except for my torrid ongoing Brokenback tryst with my Real One True Love, things have been going along just swimmingly.

So raise a glass, and let's hear a toast to five more great years. Or even four more great years and one good one.




Actually, in our last session, the marriage counselor urged me to be a little more realistic in my expectations. So, um... how about: here's to three more good years, one so-so year, and one year where one of us is plagued by rickets?

Then and Now

A little brat then....



...And a bigger little brat now!

Recent Layman "goodness"

On sale this week:


On sale last week:


with variant cover:


on sale week before last:

R.I.P Curtis "Lemonhead" Lemansky

Sorry to see you go, Lemmy. I hope something terrible happens to David Baron for what he did to you.

The Kid is Back!

Well, I'm back from Chicago, and marginally less cranky than I've been, and I'm losing the cold I've had for what feels like 6 damn week.

And three weeks after the Season Finale of Battlestar Galactica, I'm still finding chunks of my brain laying around on the floor and wall from when it BLEW. MY. MIND.



Stop reading if you haven't seen the finale (Rich, I'm talking to you-- get off your lazy ass and watch more TV, dammit!) but goddamn, that last half hour was the greatest, maybe bravest, most unexpected thing I've ever seen.

BG pulled a "One Year Later," similar to what DC is currently doing with their superhero universe (but, of course, a billion times better,) and totally and fundamentally changed the show. The difference is --and I don't really feel like getting into the philosophy behind various comic book publisher stunts, is that Battlestar Galactica didn't NEED to shake up the status quo. The show was by no means stale, or even approaching stale, and as a writer (or former writer) I am just in awe of the story possibilities the BG writers have opened up for each and every character. Goddamn, what a great show. If you're not watching it (Tom, I'm talking to you- get off your lazy ass and watch more TV, dammit!) then there is something wrong with you.


(I know, I know, not the most exciting blog post, but holy shit, I just can't get over how great this show is-- the worst part will be waiting until freaking OCTOBER for more episodes.)

No blogging for a while

I've been really sick, and kinda depressed lately, and haven't felt like blogging. I've had the same sickness that's been reoccuring about every other week know, and think I have some sort of viral infection. I really should see a doctor, but various deadlines are looming and I leave for a Chicago tomorrow so there is no time.




I've also been playing the hell out of World of Warcraft, which is the Single Greatest Thing On The Face of the Planet. I you happen to be in the Llane Realm as see a bad-ass 18-level Gnome Rogue name Poggles, be sure and say hello-- if you dare!

More katsup

Except for some one shots, odds and ends and adadaptations, The Layman Backlist has been fully updated.

Playing catch up

The Layman Lego Project has been updated to include scary dinosaurs.

A farewell to Lost

That giant splat you just heard is the last remants of my interest in Lost, as last night it did not just jump the shark, but it did a triple-Lindy and a backwards summersault during the jump, and then the shark jumped through my TV, crawled over my coffee table, and bit me in the ass.

Ok. I'm back from NY, and I have a cold, which makes me irritible. All those nights drinking when various comic book luminaries until 3 a.m. in 19 degree weather can have an ill-effect on even the heartiest constitution, and Poor Ol' Layman (AKA "The Kid") fell prey to Winter Misery. Even so, I could be healthy as the proverbial horse, and Lost still has been sucking like crazy. You figure any time a show devote an entire episode to chasing a noisy frog, that show has nothing left to say.

It hasn't helped that the show is a repeat every 2 weeks out of three. But last night, when stupid Chick-With-A-Baby was chasing all around trying to find why her stupid baby has a rash, I just could not care. I was even watching the show at double speed and reading the captions, to make it go by faster, and at the 3/4th point I just said "fuck it" and went to bed. Out of duty (to you, fair readers!) I picked it up in the morning, and found the show got marginally more interesting when The Stepfather and the Black Guy From Oz talked to the prisoner guy in the last 5 minutes.

Bah. Anyway, I expect this show is treading water for some "exciting" end of Season II conclusion, and it will seem like it has a bit of life to it before it grinds to a halt a third into Season III. When that happens, don't say Ol' Layman didn't warn you. I have not been wrong yet.

Layman in New York

I've off to New York, the Windy City, for NY Comic Con.

Adios!

on sale today: SENTINEL SQUAD O*N*E #2

Lookit this bullshit!

WTF?!?!?

I try to be a good person, do good deeds and help my fellow man. And what do I get for my efforts? My email in-box clogged with pictures of tactless people making vulgar gestures and sad alcoholics on maniacal drinking binges.

Oh, the humanity.

Bizzare!!

How'd they get the dogs to dance like that?

RIP Uncle Owen

Phil Brown, Uncle Owen from the original Star Wars Trilogy passed away. Word is he is already spinning in his grave over how bad the prequels were.

On Sale Today: HOUSE OF M FANTASTIC FOUR (and Iron Man)

Credits list the writer as "John LayMEN"

Aarrrrghhhh!!!!!!

Layman Kitty-Cat review: RUFUS

Well, I let you imbeciles vote, and you were actually right. Rufus is arguably my favorite cat (tied with Reggie.)

She is our third oldest, which my roommate got from Escondido in 2000. You may not be able to tell from the pictures, where she appears as just any ol' black cat, but Rufus is by far our cutest cat. And, judging by her behavior, she knows it, because she is a big ham. She is also our most talkative cat, and if she sees you, she will try to talk to you, and then plop in front of you and then run away if you try to pick her up. She meows like crazy whenever I am on the phone. She is totally clastrophobic, and likes affection on her own terms. That is, if you pick her up, she'll act like you are just about committing bloody murder to her, and then be perfectly fine as soon as you set her down. She is very particular about her food, and turns her nose up at about half of what we give her. Whenever she eats she makes a little clinking noise with her collar on the food dish.

Every time Rufus goes out side she eats grass until she pukes. EVERY damn time.

She is also our softest cat. Last year she got a hairball impacted in her intestines so we had to give her kitty laxitive.

Rufus loves to snuggle with Batty, and lay on hot clothes that are just out of the laundry. She also LOVES the smell of bleach, and if we ever wipe down a table or countertop with a bleached-based clean, she will roll around on it in estacy.

The Tribe has spoken

No response from the Nigerians

I guess they got wise to my bullshit.

Well, at least now I know how to get revenge on spammers.

PART 5: I respond to Mustapha

From Layman:
Dear Mustapha,

I’m begin to think you are playing a cruel trick on me. In my initial letter from Hajia Mariam I was told that you had researched me on the internet to get my information. If that is the case, you must know, despite my extreme wealth, I am very lonely, and have been touched repeatedly by death and tragedy. I am still mourning the death of my son, as well as my grandson AUGUSTUS who died in a horrible accident during a game of “extreme marbles.” Therefore, it is in very poor taste of you to suggest a password such as “AUGUST,” as it calls to mind some very unpleasant memories of my sweet grandchild’s death.

If you are not playing a terrible prank on me, I would like to suggest a different password, something that has some more positive connotations with me. When I was a boy, I enjoyed both PEPPERMINT nickel hard candy and lollipops. I would like to change our personal password. When you pick up the phone, please say “PEPPERMINT” and I will respond by shouting “PEPPERMINT LOLLIPOP YUMMY YAY.” Then you will know it is me, and we will be free to conduct our business.

If these conditions are acceptable to you, please let me know and I will call you immediately. I would still very much like to help you, and my vast financial resources would allow me to supply you with assistance immediately and with ease.

Please allow me to help you, Mustapha,

With fond regards,
John Layman

PART 4: Nigerian email scam day 2: I feel like I am James Bond!

From Nigeria:
Dear John Layman,
I got this contact email address from my mum,Hajia
Mariam and she asked me to get across to you as
regards our transaction.She has told me that you are
in a position to help us carry out this transaction
and that you are willing to do so.I will intimate you
on the transaction as follows: The funds in question
is presently contained in 2 trunk boxes deposited with
a security company in Amsterdam,Netherlands but the
officials of the security company do not know the real
contents of the trunks.They feel that the trunks
contain personal effects and we shall keep it so until
i advise otherwise. We(my mum and i)need your
assistance in the sense that you will pose as the
beneficiary of the trunks and help us travel to the
Netherlands and pick up the trunks.You will keep them
safely for us until a time when we will meet with you
and share the contents as earlier agreed in my mums
first mail to you.Please note that we are putting a
lot of trust in you and we hope that you will not do
otherwise.We have been duped in the past by close
friends and relatives that have given out our
information to our government and hence we chose to do
this last one with a foreigner.I want you to please
call me on my telephone number: 234-1-8960448 or you
may call me on my cellphone number 234-803-4971585(it
is open 7 days a week and 24hours for this
transaction) and please when you call ask me for the
password and i will say AUGUST before any
conversation.If you do not hear this password,drop the
phone and try again later.This is only a security
check to make sure you are talking to the right
person.We must be very security conscious so as not to
jeopardise this transaction.I will provide you with
all the documents that will back you as the
beneficiary to the trunks okay.I will also remind you
that you keep this transaction very confidential as it
involves my family's last hope for survival.

Mustapha.

N.B:In the event that you cannot travel,we can arrange
for the trunks to be freighted to you at your
location. Remember to keep this transaction very
confidential and known to only you for us to succeed
in our transaction.

PART 3: Baiting the hook

From Layman:
Dear Hajia,

I still have not heard from Mustapha. Do you have any idea when he might call?

Just so you know, I am an elderly widower, in failing health and extreme decrepitude. My only heir, my son Soggiferus P. Layman, died three years ago last April after eating a poison bundt cake. As a result, I recieved an extremely generous settlement from the insurance company at the Applebee’s restaurant where he died. And while it has left me FABULOUSLY WEALTHY, it does not replace the place in my heart I held for my dear young “Soggy”. I’m sure you, as a recent widow, can relate.

My dynamic team of financial advisors tell me I have more money than I could ever spend my lifetime, and I should devote my limited energies to various charities and helping people in need. That is why I thought it such a blessing to hear from you today. I have heard Nigerians are a proud people, probably a wife of a great general especially. I hope you are not so proud you decline my offer of financial assistance in your time of need. Nay, I BEG you.

I hope to hear from you or Mustapha soon,
Yours in friendship,
John Layman

P.S. Please tell me some stories that relate to the character of the late General Abacha. Was he a man of God? Did he love kitties?

PART 2: My cruel ruse continues

From Nigeria:
Dear John Layman,
I have forwarded your contact details to my son Mustapha who would contact you to discuss every details about the transaction with you.Please do feel free to corperate with him.
Hajia Mariam.

From Layman:
Hajia,
I look forward to talking to Mustapha with great anticipation. My heart goes out to you for the terrible predicament you are in, and I will do my best to help you in whatever way I can. I have recently inherited a great deal of money. Would directly wiring you some sum help you in any way? Please, tell Mustapha he can call upon me any time, day or night.
JL

PART 1: Tee hee. Layman scams the scammers

From Nigeria:
Dear Beloved,
Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha
the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I
have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the
present administration.I have lost confidence with
anybody within my country.I got your contacts through
personal research,and had to reach you through this
medium. I will give you more details when you reply.
Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I
cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted
you. My husband deposited $12.6million dollars with a
security firm abroad whose name is witheld for now
till we communicate. I will be happy if you can
receive this funds for safe keeping and I assure you a
very good percent of this fund I will instruct my son
to contact you so please feel free to comunicate with
my son. I await your urgent response,
Hajia Mariam.

From Layman:
Hajia,
This is terrible news about your husband. Please let me know how I can help!!
JL

From Nigeria:
Dear friend,
Thanks for your willingness to assist me and my family in carrying out this transaction.please i would want you to send to me your contact telephone number which i will forward to my son Mustapha who will contact you to explain every details about the transaction to you.
I hope to hear from you soon
Hajia Mariam.

From Layman:
Hajia,
Please call me. I desperately want to help.
206-440-1900*



(*number for North Seattle Krispy Kreme.)

Will update as further events warrant.

Layman move review: HUSTLE & FLOW

God damn! This movie was so good I almost forgot to get pissed off about it. I mean, it was excellent. Just really, really good, maybe the best movie I've seen all year. At least the best that I can recall off-hand (that this was so good it makes it that much more egregious that a piece of crap like Cinderella Man gets mentioned in the same breathe as the Oscars.) Terrance Howard, who was part of an extraordinary enselmble in Crash, was even better here. Anthony Anderson was good, too, and Ludacris, and the skinny sad white chick that played the Howard character's primary "ho." But the chick that played the pregnant ho girlfriend was just spectacular, as she her character develops self-confidence and a sense of purpose throught the course of the movie. Like I said, I can't think of a better movie I've seen that this (at least, one made in 2005,) and I'm giving it my highest recommendation.

Of course, the parallels between myself and the character D-Jay was what make truly this movie so powerful and vital. Slappin' bitches, dealing yay, whooping tricks, keeping away from 5-0... it's like this film held a mirror to the Early Life of John Layman and captured it on film. Rarely have a seen a movie where thug life of my early days on the street was captured with such eerie accuracy, without glorifying or glamorizing it.

Kids, I'm not a role model. I'm not a hero. And you don't want to be like me. Sometimes bitch gots to get slaps. And sometimes Layman gots to buss a cap in a motherfucker. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. But it's real, man... and that's my life.

Don't judge me.

Batman Legos Revealed

courtesy of Batbrick.com On sale this spring.

Oh, I just had a nerdgasm.









Not pictured:
#7783 Batcave: penguin & Mr. Freeze
#7784 batmobile: the ultimate collectors edition

Guess what comic book Ol' Layman is writing next?

Details here.

Chris Penn: Dead at 43

I got a funny feeling I am next!

John Layman: Celebrating 20 years of Erotic Awesomeness

Kool Kid on Kampus John Layman: Senior Year, Yuba City High School. 1986

It was broke, but I fixed it

Reggie somehow broke the automatic litter box we got, but I managed to fix it.

I'll probably smell like cat piss for a week, though.

Stoopid Reggie.

A Layman triple-play movie review

Cinderella Man: Anyone who says this should be nominated for best picture ought to be stabbed through the tongue with a fork. I mean, this was by no means a bad movie, but it wasn't great, either, and I figure any movie nominated for best picture ought to be at least, really, really good. This was just, eh, by-the-books feel-good vanilla screenwriting, and it wasn't particuarly different than any Rocky movie I'd even seen. Frankly, I'd rather see Russell Crowe clubbing some room service hotel guy with a phone. My roommate got this movie for free, at CES in Vegas, and I watched it once, and now it is going into the "to sell or trade" pile. She also got Batman Begins, but I'm not even going to watch that once, much less dignify shelf space in my DVD cabinet.




Broken Flowers: I enjoyed the hell out of this movie, and totally recommend it. It started a little too slow for my taste, but once it got going, was very enjoyable. The story is about Bill Murray, getting an anonymous letter from an ex-girlfriend, saying he has a kid, so Bill goes and tracks down various exes. What I liked about it was the clues filmmaker Jim Jarmusch put in, how--well, you know how when you are looking for a particular something, you see evidence of that certain something everywhere you look? It was like that, though I can't really explain it better than that (or, I could, if I was not hung over.) Anyway, I enjoyed it, as I've enjoyed just about every Bill Murray movie, but especially the quirky undertated movies he's been doing in recent years. The ending of this movie was really great, too. See it!




Bride and Prejudice: Er, I fell asleep pretty early into it. To be honest, I was kinda hammered at the time. Sayeed from Lost was in it, though, singing and dancing.

Gone skiing

Please, do not resuscitate.

on sale today: SENTINEL SQUAD O*N*E #1

Giant robot mayhem. Great art by Aaron Lopresti.

Bring the Pain II: Last Night I Puked So Hard I Dislocated My Jaw--AGAIN!

Harkening back to a happier time, before SUPERFRANKENSTEIN and I were bitter and litigious enemies, last night I fucked myself up where I puked so hard I dislocated my jaw--AGAIN.

The culprit, this time: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream.



Ok. I have a low tolerance for caffiene. That is, I can only drink so much before I get jittery and weird, and if I drink any more than that I can end up coughing, and eventually throwing up. Yesterday in the afternoon, after the twenty-billionth Seattle day of rain in a row, I warmed up with a double (extra foamy!) cappacinno. I skipped dinner, as there was nothing in the fridge, and my personal chef was working a night shift at her day job. So I, uh, helped myself to some of the Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream in the fridge, having no idea HOW FREAKING HYPER-CAFFINATED it must be. After I ate it my heart was pounding like crazy, and eventually I started coughing, and, well, one thing led to another.

You know the funny thing? Ice cream puked up actually does taste just as good coming up as it did going down.

Even so. No more Starbucks Ice Cream for me!

My Legal Woes Mount: Two Wrights Make a WRONG!!

John Layman:

I am attorney with the law firm of Wainwright & Wainwright LLP, which has been retained by SUPERFRANKENSTEIN. I am attaching a cease and desist letter relating to the "SuperLAYMANstein's... The News Explained in Kitty-Cat Pictures" entry posted on your blog for Sunday, January 15, 2006. I urge you to read the attached letter so that you may take any and all appropriate actions.

Best regards.
Drake Huntington


Wainwright & Wainwright, LLP
Attorneys at Law
1275 Pennsylvania Ave, NW
Washington, DC 20004-2415
tel 202.293.0100
fax 202.293.3593
www.wainlaw.com

January 16, 2003

VIA BLOGGER COMMENTS

John Layman
Re: Unauthorized Use and Disclosure of Intellectual Property

Dear Layman:

Our law firm serves as counsel to SUPERFRANKENSTEIN, owner of all intellectual property rights to The News Explained With Comic Book Covers. Through Blackboard's extensive and continuous use and promotion of this product and other systems, SUPERFRANKENSTEIN'S mark is recognized around the world, and its intellectual property has acquired substantial good will.

It recently has come to SUPERFRANKENSTEIN'S attention that you have posted a wholly derivative work, "SuperLAYMANstein's... The News Explained in Kitty-Cat Pictures," on your blog for Sunday, January 15, 2006. Moreover, its text prominently featured the claim that SUPERFRANKENSTEIN "poached" the idea from you and "turned it into a grotesque parody."

SUPERFRANKENSTEIN hereby requests that you immediately cease and desist from appropriating his private intellectual property and repeating the claims noted above, or any facilitation of those appropriations and claims, including but not limited to, transmission on your blog, Mighty Layman Bollah-quafina My Lego Cats With Danger. SUPERFRANKENSTEIN also requests that you immediately cease and desist from any facilitation of the use of its name and marks in any manner, and that you remove all references to SUPERFRANKENSTEIN from any website, power point presentation, seminar handouts, or any other promotional materials, and that you refrain from any use of such marks.

If you fail to comply with these requests, SUPERFRANKENSTEIN will have no choice but to proceed in a manner appropriate to protect his good name and valuable intellectual property rights.

Sincerely,
Drake Huntington