Hawaii? Just fine. Hawaii you?!?! HAHAHAHAHA

Our heroic narrator makes paradise even paradicier.


The enchanted isle of Ko-Laymie-Leekee-Lano.


Seattle gloom, looming continually over my shoulder.


OMG!!! WTF!!!! I thought pineapples grew on trees!!

Off to Hawaii, to experience the THRILL of a lifetime

I'm off to Hawiia, the Sunshine State, so I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging in the next week, nor if i will be able to thrill you with the scintillating adventures of Ruggles (and his just-born-yesterday gnome warlock nephew Ruggelito!)

One this is for sure: I CAN'T WAIT!!!

And what I can't wait for is the joy of going to the bathroom "Hawaiian style." This trip, I totally plan on going native, and you all know what that means. Everybody in Hawiia goes to the bathroom "Hawaiian style." I don't think there is even a toilet or urinal on any of the island. They just sit down in the sand, usually they don't pull down their shorts, they just kinda schooch 'em over to one side, and then they go in the sand, right where they are sitting. My God! It sounds awesome! Like the whole island is like a giant litter box or something. I'm so excited.... I just hope when I get back I haven't forgotten how to American bathroom facilities.

Aloha!!

"Homegrown Terror" Orange Alert

Test your knowledge of current events:

Which seven "homegrown terrorists" conspired to "kill all the devils we can" by blowing up Chicago's Sears Tower --and which one went poop on the carpet?

Finally, domestic terrorism has hit America where it hurts! I thought the Iraq War was suppose to prevent this.

Ruggles at 48

'Cause you all live vicariously through Ruggles, here he is at Level 48. He's leveling up slower as he gets higher up. I suspect it will be slower still, since I am going to Hawaii for a week tommorow. Note the outfit; He is looking less like a mage, and more warrior-like, as he gets increasingly bad-ass. Also, this week he made Sergeant!!!

Ruggles at Level 48. Sergeant!


Ruggles at Level 43. Natty!


Ruggles at Level 32. Deadly!


Ruggles at level 10. Stylin'!

I can't decide who I love more today:

Reggie!!!



or Rufus!!!!

Ah, memories

George Bush in college:



John Layman in college:

Today is likely to be a good day

New Frank Black 27-song double album comes out today. In my otherwise bleak, depressing, horrible life, this is very good news.

An Army of One...

...One bad mother fucker, that is!!!!


I've discovered the joys of fighting other players in PVP battlegrounds.

In just a week of fighting, Ruggles has proved every bit as DEADLY as he is awesome. And after a single week of PVP fighting, I have been awarded the rank of Corporal.

You know what that means, maggots! Tennnn-shun! Now drop and give me 20!

On sale today: CLAW/RED SONJA #4

Last issue, suckahs!!!

Andy Smith cover



Jim Lee variant give-away-the-ending cover

On sale end of the month!

$79.99, for those of you who feel like doing something nice for me.

Brubaker movie review: Mission Ed-Possible III

Do yourself a favor. If Ed Brubaker ever invites you to a movie, take a pass. Tell him you have a prior engagement, a dentist appointment, a haircut, you have to get your tires rotated, something like that. Trust me. You'll be glad you did. We went to see Mission Impossible III today (at Ed's behest.. I would never pick such a movie,) and while I can't exactly say it was a terrible experience, it was definitely interesting.


First of all, Ed insisted upon holding my hand the entire movie.

It wasn't a gay thing. It wasn't even sexual. Ed just says it helps him get into a movie, and get him psyched. And, boy, I have never seen anybody get that enthusiastic for a movie. During the previews I thought he was going to break every bone in my hand. They showed, like they do, about 20 minutes of movie previews and ads, and Ed got excited about every single one, even the ad about that boxy little Scion car, he would turn to me and say very loudly (he's also a movie loud-talker,) "THAT LOOKS REALLY GOOD."

When the interminable previews finally ended and the lights dimmed and Paramount logo flashed on screen, I thought Ed's eyes were going to bug out of his head. And he starting grinning like a 4-year-old hyperactive retard on a cocaine binge, and his face was a vision of delighted ecstasy.

Now, Ed's a pretty excitable guy, so I expected a degree of hooting and hollaring at the screen. At least he let go of my hand long enough to shake his fist in the air and shout "YOU LEAVE MY TOMKAT ALONE, CAPOTE! HE'LL GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!"


Ed and I also go back a ways, and I've regaled him about many of my exploits (and, in truth, I've even exaggerated upon some of them.) It's pretty clear that I'm something of a hero to Ed, because whenever there was an exciting action sequence, like when Tom Cruise was tied up on a gurney and then escaped and ambushed the four guards in the elevator, Ed would poke me hard in the shoulder and (loudly) exclaim, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!? JUST LIKE YOU, LAYMAN! JUST LIKE YOU!" He did that on the bridge scene when Tom Cruise was being shot at by rockets from a helicopter and was crawling under an overturned car to get a guns, first he screamed (at the top of his lungs) "LOOK OUT, TOMKAT!!!!!" and after Tom Cruise narrowly leaped out of the way he poked me in the shoulder (hard!) and shouted into my ear, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!? JUST LIKE YOU, LAYMAN! JUST LIKE YOU!" He must of did that 20 times through the course of the movie.

And probably needless to say, Ed got very emotional at all the parts he was supposed to. If you do end up seeing a movie with Ed, bring a towel --or a bucket!-- 'cause that guy sobs like he is one of the Ingalls girls. Heaven forbid we went to a romantic comedy instead of an action movie... I would have needed a rain slicker!


Ed also gets excited about what I thought were the weirdest things. There was one scene were Tom was in Shanghai, leaping from the roof of one skyscraper to another, shooting a bunch of bad guys, falling a ways, crashing through a window, leaping out the window, opening a parachute, crashing through another window and then having his chute pull him back by the wind, where he kept falling and was saved at the last minute when his chute hit a pole, and he almost splattered against the ground, and then his fall was broken, and then it looked like a giant tanker truck speeding down the road was going to smash him like a bug. The tanker truck, which had a bunch of Chinese writing on the side, slammed on the brakes, and swerved, Tom Cruise dodged it by jumping under it, as it skidded sideways down the street. In these sort of action movies you always expect when you see a tanker about to crash that is full of gas, so there can be some inevitable explosion, but there wasn't, and Ed leaped out of his chair and outstretched his arms to the sky and bellowed in an enraged voice, "THAT TANKER WAS FULL OF MILK!!!!!!!"


Fortunately, there was only about six other people in the theater, and one was talking on a cell phone, or something, so it was not too embarrassing. Ed clapped, though, nonstop, though the entire credits, and his eyes were misty with tears and he was panting and huffing and kept muttering something, under his breath, rhetorically, about "how grrrrreat was the Tomkat."

Layman movie review: An Inconvienient Truth

Three items of Observation and commentary:

1. Al Gore uses a Mac. Yay!

2. Al Gore's Inconvienient Truth may be the saddest movie I have seen since Bubba Ho-Tep. I thought Constant Gardener was pretty damn sad, but it was also this beautiful love story, so it had a lot of hope and idealism to it. Bubba Ho-Tep, though, once you stripped away the laffs with Bruce Campbell and the goofiness of the story, just had an overpowering atmosphere of decripitude to it, this weighty sadness about how everybody gets old and useless and forgotten and then they finally die. Inconvinient Truth, though, was sadder, still, because, of course, it is true. Worse even than the environmental and global warming stuff is the reminder that Gore is the guy who should have been the president 6 years ago, and, but for a corrupt and partisan Supreme Court and a bunch of scum-fuck lawyers and play-dirty Republicans, Gore would have been. And the country and the world would be in much, much better shape.

Instead, Idiot America –or nearly half of them– elected a mental and moral cripple. Anybody who hasn't seen Inconvienient Truth, I advise you to, and then I urge you to play the following game: Imagine if George W. Bush was actually up on stage instead of Gore, expounding on ANY subject for an hour and a half. He simply could not do it. In fact, I doubt George Bush can get through an entire paragraph without invoking 9/11 or regurgitating his same old no-bearing-to-reality talking point. I bet I couldn't even talk about 9/11 or the "liberation" of Iraq," or tax cuts, or any of his favorite subjects, for more than ten minutes, before he started repeating the same old shit and then gibbering like a baboon. It's just devastingly sad, because Bush is such a miserable fuckwit, and Gore comes off -sure, maybe a little stiff, but nowhere as stiff as the media of 2000 led you to believe (and so what if he was?)- as an intelligent, articulant and compassionate person. A politician with a brain, who actually gives a damn about something, and is out to make a difference, whether he holds a public office or not.

Of course, the Inconvienient Truth of the movie, and the sad reality, is the world, and the environment, is utterly screwed. I saw some jackass on Fox "News" spewing the usual bile, saying environmental wackos like Gore are just trying to stir up controversy because they "hate capitalism." Here's the thing: Even if Gore is wrong on Global Warming, and all common sense and science says he isn't, it's an undisputed fact that oil is gonna run out, and it makes sense to pursue other fuel alternatives, better sooner than later.

If Gore is right --and he IS-- than the people in government, like Bush and his croneys and stooges who have denied, ignored and exacerbated Global Warming, along with the Doublespeak paid liars at Fox and their like, are committing literal crimes against humanity, and they will be responsible for a cataclysmic amount of human suffering and death in the decades to come. I hope, when that time comes, with Global Warming is undenibly upon as and people are suffing and dying in droves, people will remember the naysayers, the people who's actions directly led us down this terrible path, who had the political power to make or influence change, and how literally laughed at and denied and decried the warnings and the science so they could line their own pockets, when the world is a desert, and we have no water and everybody is frying like an egg, I hope we still have the energy and requisite bitterness to storm the old age home that houses these villains and beat them savagely to death with tire irons!!

3. Al Gore has no earlobes.

Ruggles hits 43!

And he is becoming quite a natty dresser, as I'm sure you will note.

Ruggles at Level 43. Natty!


Ruggles at Level 32. Deadly!


Ruggles at level 10. Stylin'!

Recipe for Disaster! (day two)

The first ingredient:
Tom B. Long



The second ingredient:
Johnny-Cakes!!!




The end result?
DISASTER!!!!

Recipe for Disaster! (day one)

The first ingredient:
The redesigned Lego B-Wing!



The second ingredient:
That arrogant little punk-ass Reggie!




The end result?
DISASTER!!!!

Layman movie reivew: X3

Man, the nanosecond I finish writing this review I'm gonna call the MIAA, or the FBI, or the AARP, or whoever the hell you piss and moan to when you find out about pirated video. I didn't even think X-3 was in theaters yet, but I walked into my local Blockbuster and, low and behold, there it was, sitting on the shelves... not even with the new releases! So I took it home and popped the tape VCR, and here we are.

All I can say... this movie is NOT what I was expecting. I should tell you, I really enjoyed the first two X-movies, but sorta had low expectations based on what I heard about this movie. X3 is NOTHING like the first two movies. It's got an all-different cast. Not only that, the high concept had been totally revamped. It wasn't even anything like the TV ads, which was kind of annoying. It's not even a sequel, per se... more of a "reimagining," I guess.

X3 isn't a superhero movie, and it's got nothing to do with superheroes. It's a spy movie, starring Vin Diesel as Xander Cage, who is much more like Wolverine, with muscles and guns and an arsensal of bad attitude! He plays an extreme sports athlete who gets recruited to be a government agent. It wasn't bad... but I really was expecting to see Patrick Picard and Huge Ackman, and the rest of the gang from the previous two movies. I don't know what to think, but obviously I am hopping mad. It never even said if Vin Disel's character was supposed to be a mutant or not. How lame.

But that's not even the worst part. I just trolling around the internet and found out they are planning on doing a sequel (X4??) Vin Diesel is not even going to be in it. It says that Ice Cube is going star instead. I guess he will be playing the Bobby Drake role. This just confirms my suspicions: That everybody in Hollywood is a freaking idiot!!

And now... a message from our sponsor.

Tom B. Long sure does love his Johnny Cakes!!

Another great thing about 40!

I've been able to teleport to the three main Alliance capital cities. Now I can portal friends (and payingn customers.) Makes traveling around the continents a lot faster.

Life after 40: Ruggles levels up!!!

Man, it seemed like took forever, but Ruggles finally reached the pivotal Level 40. The best thing about it? I was finally able to buy a mount.

The worst thing? It was 72 gold pieces, plus a bullshit 18 gold "training fee." I had to borrow $$ from my adventuring partner Battythecat to be able to buy one.


Here's Ruggles picking out the most kick-ass Gnomish Mechanostrider on the lot.


And, here is the heroic Ruggles on his mount, riding through the jungles of Stranglethorn Vale. How do you like my swanky new hat?

The choking game is so awesome that even animals can play!!!

Rufus-the-kitten savors the Choking Game, achieving a brief high or euphoric state by stopping the flow of oxygen containing blood to her brain, as pressure on the arteries is then released and blood flow to the brain resumes, causing a "rush" as consciousness returns.




Rufus, as an adult cat, is only slightly severely brain-damaged.

OMG! I'm TOTALLY addicted to the choking game!!!

Oh, man, I am totally hooked on "The Choking Game," that game where you get choked by somebody until you almost pass out. Man, what a rush!!

I keep reading how this is the hot new thing for kids to do, and since I'm desperate to be cool, I thought I'd try it myself. And, guess what? I LOVE it!! Since I can't find anybody my own age to play the Choking Game with me, I've been hanging around high school and intermediate school campuses, getting invited to Choking Game parties, where we sit around CHOKING EACH OTHER for up to FOUR HOURS. It's so awesome. Honestly, it's like a dream come true.

I can't see what everybody is complaining about. I wish those squares would just shut up. They just hate to see people having fun!!

Anyway, if I see you and begin choking you, don't freak out. It's all in good fun, and the chances that I kill you or give you brain damage is minimal. And if I do? Well, just remember, my heart was in the right place, and killing you was an accident.



One thing ...Can somebody recommend a good non-girly make-up to cover all these gnarly purple bruises around my neck??

The Layman Lego Project: Vikings!!!*

(*now annotated, for her pleasure.)

I bought this in Japan, back when the internet was on fire with rumors this would not be available in America. A week after I got home, it showed up in American stores.


My buddies Rich and Maki got this for me for my birthday. Ain't that nice? What did you get me?


Er... I bought this myself, but I can't remember when, or if it was at Toy R Us, or Target.

On sale tomorrow: Red Sonja/Claw #3

Standard Lee Bermejo cover


Jim Lee 1-in-10 variant. My favorite of his covers so far.


The Layman Backlists Project has been appropriate updated.

Cat vs. Squirrel

Reggie continues to be the nexus of all trouble in the Layman family.

BREAKING NEWS!!

The greatest fucking band on Earth, ALICE DONUT, has a new album, FUZZ, coming out this Sept, with 12 new songs.

I CANNOT wait.



If you have not heard Alice Donut, the music is available, streaming, at alicedonut.com

Might I recommend:

•Bucket, Forks, Pock from the Bucketfuls of Sickness and Horror in an Otherwise Meaningless Life album

•Magdalene from the Untidy Suicides of Your Degenerate Youth album

•Hose from the Dry Humping the Cash Cow album

This is my favorite music EVER!!!!!!

On sale today: SENTINEL SQUAD O*N*E #5

Der final issue!


The Layman Backlist has likewise been updated, to reflect this erotic new awesomeness.