Layman movie review: THE BROTHER, FLY EFFECT

Holy crap, I actually liked this movie. Like, Sally Field liked it (that is, "I really, reeeeally liked it.)

I didn't expect to, as it immidiately got off to a bad start attributing a quote to "Chaos Effect," but it was actually pretty cool, like a good science fiction short story, a really dark Fredric Brown short or something. Of course, the problem with this movie was it was marketed as a horror movie starring Asshead Cooper, from Punk'd and That 70s Show (and didn't I read somewhere that he is dating the much olderMichael Moore?)

But it's really not even about. I saw the director's cut DVD, and I have no idea how it varied from the theatrical release, but ol' Asshead didn't even show up until 20 minutes into the movie, and Amy Smart as his love interest did not show up until 45 minutes into it. And up until then, we had a lot of flashback stuff with kids playing Asshead and Amy-as-children. I thought this was a pretty cool piece of speculative sci-fi about time travel (though whenever I saw Asshead on screen I called it, "Dude, where's my Alternate Universe?") It had a downbeat if a little ridiculous ending... and I sort of wonder if that's the ending that was in the theatrical version.

Anyway, that, and about 12 glasses of wine, with Batty on my lap, made for a not-too-bad Friday night.


My "roommate" thought the movie "got old," as Assheap Cooper bopped around through time and different realities, but I think that speaks more to her limited attention span than the quality of the movie. Also, she is a big hater.

I liked this movie.

This is for real, dude

Hasbro's Darth Tater. I shit you not.

Son of Sweet-Pie Softy Snuggle Time

Since you demanded it, since you love seeing Reggie and Batty SOOOO much, here they are, along with Rufus and Bumble Buzz, too!

'Course, maybe you like seeing Reggie, but he HATES seeing you.

HATES!

Layman movie review: 50 FIRST DATES

Ok, a couple points I need to make, before we get to the meat of the review.

First off, my "roommate" has absolutely no memory of things, particularly when it comes to movies. She routinely puts crappy movies on the Netflix cue and then when they come says "Ewwww, why did you get THIS movie"," when it was in fact her that picked it. She has no recollection of what she has seen, or what she hasn't seen, or wants to see, and she's also a big hater (have I ever mentioned that?) so a movie she was dying to see at the theater six months later she can't comprehend why would would possibly watch that. On the plus side, I can go in to the Netflix cue and delete all these crappy foreign films about androgenous male ballerinas with mother issues and my "roommate" will never know I did. And what I really OUGHT to do is select a whole bunch of softcore movies, like "Cheerleader Pillow Fight 4" and then blame her for renting them. Anyway, to make a long, tedious story short, that is one reason "50 First Dates" ended up in our rental cue.

The other thing you should know is I primarily use Netflix to watch runs of TV shows. I never watched Buffy or Angel when they were on, but damned if they aren't great shows, and I can't wait for the release of Angel Season 5. Also, I've watched Nip/Tuck Season I (fucking AWESOME!) and am waiting for Season II, watched Chapelle's Show and rewatched Homicide. And pretty soon I intend to watch The Wire and Ali G, I just haven't got around to it. So anyway, there are no TV shows on our Netflix cue, which is the other reason "50 First Dates" ended up in there.

That being said, it wasn't anywhere near as miserable as I expected it to be, and it certainly killed a few less million brain cells than that abhorrant Dodgeball piece of crap I suffered through last week. I really wanted to hate it, and the set-up is absolutely ridiculous, but that ended up being actually okay. Also, I winced when I saw Sean Austin, after being in the near-perfect Lord of the Rings movies, I thought that poor bastard had sure taken a career tumble. But he ended up making me laugh, or chuckle anyway, so I guess I won't end up faulting him.

I was really pleased with the ending, too. Drew Barrymore has brain damage, so she keeps reliving the same day, and I was sure that Adam Sandler would tell her he loved her, and the next day she'd have her memory. Or, worse yet, they'd have sex and then she's remember. But it was actually kinda a daring ending--all things considered. Anyway, it wasn't too horrible. Not exactly a glowing recommendation, but if you've read THIS far into a review of an Adam Sandler movie, chances are you don't have a whole lot of better things to do. Do you?

Layman pimpage: Gambit #6

Gambit #6 is slated to hit the stores today, the conclusion to the "House of Cards" story-arc. This issue has a fill-in artist, but the art I've seen is pretty damn good, done by a cat named Roger Robinson (he did the recent Aliens vs. Predator TPB.)

If it seems like it was just a couple weeks since I pimped Gambit #5, bruver, you ain't crazy. Gambit #5 ran late, hence the fill-in artist on #6. But the fill-in helped us get back on track, and regular artist Georges Jeanty is working on #9 and I am working on #10. So there!

I'll post reviews as they hit the web.

Some interesting facts about YOU!

It's no secret that this is one of the most popular destinations in all of the internets. Obviously, you know that, and as a discerning "surfer" of the internets, you visit this site regular –daily if not hourly– and likely have your preferences set so this is your home page. And in turn, we provide you with the most dynamic and exciting content humanly possible.

However, on January 5th of this month, we experienced a MASSIVE influx of new visitors. Normally, we get in excess of two thousand people a day, but on this day, we got more than TWELVE THOUSAND VISITORS. And this just happened to be the same day we debuted a new photo of Batty and Reggie, entitled, "Sweetie-Pie Softy Snuggle Time™."

The inevitable conclusion?
YOU LOVE PICTURES OF BATTY AND REGGIE.

So... Just to give you a repeat thrill, here's a the picture you all went ga-ga over, "Sweetie-Pie Softy Snuggle Time™":


And rest assured, since you love pictures of Reggie and Batty SO much, we will do our best to continue to provide you more, better, and increased coverage of these two adorable little Sweetie-Pie Softy Snugglers™.

EMERALD CITY CON: FEB 5 and 6th

So...it turns out I am headlining Emerald City Con. I am the Guest Of Honor™ and all the other guests are a bunch of punk-ass beeeyotches. Besides signing my many best-selling comics, I'll also be overseeing two different panels, a panel with Marvel writers Saturday at 2 p.m. and another panel on "breaking into the industry" at noon on Sunday. See you there!

While surely everybody will pale next to my deafening radiance, other guests include my pals Tom Peyer, Jay Faerber, Travis Charest, the Authority team of Ed Brubaker and Dustin Nguyen, Ford Gilmore, Uber-writer Brian Bendis, Robert Kirkman, Peter Bagge and a BUNCHA others (there not actually punk-ass beeyotches, either.)

More info, and a complete guest list: here

So here's what I'm playing instead of Prince of Persia

100 cyber bucks to the first person to correctly identify this game.

Seen walking around Green Lake

Fear the dreaded snowpiller!



(Sorry, but growing in California, going to school in Long Beach and Chico, and living for 12 years in San Diego, it's very exciting for me to live in a place where it snows.)

Baby's first snowfall

DSCN0746
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Layman to Prince of Persia: YOU ARE A SHITTY GAME

This game sucks.

Granted, any game after GTA San Andreas would be a tough act to follow, but this new Prince of Persia fucking blows. I'm gonna have to dig through an entire recycling bin to find the receipt and take this miserable fucker back, but, at this point, I'd rather roll around in a gutter full of raw sewage than play another 10 seconds of this suck-ass piece of crap.

Sad, because I really liked Prince of Persia I: Sands of Times. And Gamespot gave this new Prince of Persia a high rating, and I generally trust Gamespot. But this game blows. The first game had a lot of charm, starting with a narrator recounting the story like it was an old fashioned story-tale. This new fucking nonsense just throws you into an imcomprehensible cut-scene of shit, and then a completely different cutscene of shit, and then straight into bad, dumb action. Worse, there this really cheesy soundtrack of just horrible heavy metal music. Or wanna-be heavy metal, that just doesn't fit in with the game action. Man, this thing sucks.

I guess the reason it got such a high rating is because you get, like, a billion fight combos and a trillion weapons. Maybe it's just the writer in me, but I'd prefer an actual story to having to memorize an infinite amount of button-mashing combos. So, anyway, I can't return this piece of crap fast enough, and I'd advise anybody who who is even thinking about buying this rotten junk to think again and wise up.

Prince of Persia Warrior Within: YOU SUUUUUCKKK!!!!!!!

Technology marches on

How annoying is this? I just got a camera cell phone, and the stupid thing only takes upside-down pictures! I swear, these cell phone makers must be retarded!

Layman movie review: DODGEBALL

Holy crap. I don't even have the words for how bad this movie was. Alex Sinclair told me it was funny, and I didn't remember reading anything TOO horrible about it, so I put it on the ol' Netflix cue. Mother of God! It was HORRIBLE. Utterly unfunny every single minute, every single freakin' nanosecond. It wasn't even so-bad-it-was-funny kind of funny. It just sucked, absolutely and completely. Staggeringly bad, with not a single laugh to be found, and nothing remotely funny in it. Ben Stiller was basically doing Zoolander on Steriods, and he was the most annoyingly unfunny, while the rest of it just sort of sonumbulated through it, just wheezing along with this awful, awful script. The only good point to it was it was so completely lightweight that the movie at least felt like it was going by fast.

Jeezus, Sinclair... what the hell were you thinking?

Sweetie-Pie Softy Snuggle Time

DSCN0744
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Reggie and Batty keeping each other company, and warm, on a cold Seattle day.

WHAT IF… Mark Millar was Agent Sydney Bristow?

After J.J. Abrams heard about popular comics writer Mark Millar’s daring rescue exploits on board a fiery train, he decided he had finally found America’s next perfect action hero. He’s dumping Jennifer Garner from “Alias” and retconning the show so Millar now portrays the cunning and curvaceous super spy.

SPOILER WARNERS: Contains comic-book insider humor mixed with convoluted “Alias” plotlines… so if you find this even remotely funny, chances are you are a giant fucking dork!


SERIES PREMIERE
Insanely popular comics writer Sydney Bristow discovers that her unique job as an agent for SD-6, a top-secret division of the CIA, holds some deadly secrets that threaten the security of the free world.




SEASON ONE, EPISODE SEVEN
Sydney must seduce the owner of an Ukrainian dance club for secret location of a stolen nuclear weapon.




SEASON TWO, EPISODE FOUR
Sydney finds her likeness on the centuries-old Rambaldi document. The likeness was done by a super-duper, A-list, top-ten artist... we just aren’t allowed to tell you who.




SEASON TWO, SEASON FINALE
Sydney discovers she is missing two years from her memory. Fortunately, during that time, she did not miss a single issue of “Ultimates.”




SEASON THREE, EPISODE TWO
Sydney travels take her to Italy, where she must win the affection of the notorious and deadly “Asian Godfather.” Guest starring Neve Campbell as “airline passenger who really, REALLY wants to change seats.”




SEASON FOUR, SEASON PREMIERE
Sydney races to Japan to stop a team of Ninjas from brainwashing a fellow spy into a mindless killing machine. Directed by Quentin Tarantino, who, coincidently, read “Wanted” and loved it so much he is now BEGGING Mark to let him direct it.


NEXT WEEK: More twists, turns and shocking revelations. And more super-duper, A-list, top-ten guest stars, including Jim Caviezel, the guy who played Jesus in “The Passion of the Christ.” No, really. You want to bet on it?

Layman to Prince of Persia: You're next, biznitch!

In honor of conquering San Andreas, I sold off a bunch of suck-ass games and picked up the new Prince of Persia. I have four pages left to script of Gambit #9. I expect once I finish that, hopefully later tonight, I'll crack open this new game and start kickin' ITS ass.

And I promise to keep you apprised of my gameplay progression. I'm SO sure you care about dorky shit like that.

Layman original art stash: KELLY FREAS

Here's a nice little picture I picked up from Kelly Freas at the San Diego Con a couple of years ago. I also got him to autograph my 1954 issue of Astounding Science Fiction with the Martians Go Home cover.

The saddest, saddest, saddest

R.I.P. Will Eisner

These things are supposed to come in threes, right? Devastatingly sad news for anybody who's ever cared about comic books, as the man who arguable invented the graphic novel passes away. My few meetings with Mr. Eisner were brief, but he seemed like a genuinely sweet and kind man, and there was no denying he was a talented, passionate and prolific artist and creator.



Sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

Layman movie review: HOUSE OF FLYING BADGERS

I came into this with pretty low expectations. I wasn't really crazy about "Hero," the director's previous movie. I thought it was beautiful, but it was the same story from, like, a trillion different perspectives, and by the time the same characters died for, like, the fortieth time, I didn't really give a crap. I'd heard some mixed things about "House of Flying Badgers," even though it is on nearly everybody's Top Ten list for 2004. Plus, I was IMing with noted internet troublemaker Charlie Chu, who told me "House of Flying Badgers" wasn't any good or worth my time.

But, despite it all, I went and saw it. And I thought it was pretty damn good. Way better than "Hero," not quite as good as "Crouching Tiger" (or "Iron Monkey," which is just as cool, just much less pretentious.) I had heard "House of Flying Badgers" had a really complex plot, but I had not taken into account that AMERICANS ARE RETARDED. All you had to be was not an idiot to follow it, which apparently is too much for most U.S. residents (at least 51%, at last count.)

The plot is about a blind dancing assassin, played by Crouching Tiger's Zhang Zoo, the cute little Chinese girl that sorta looks like a cute little Chinese boy. She is part of a legion of assassins who carry around badgers and throw them at her enemies. The evil emperor is poaching wildlife from the forest, so some shit like that, so little Zhang Zoo takes her three little badgers (named Ike, Mike and Sally,) sharpens their claws to razor sharp points, and thows them at various mutha fuckas. There's a lot of cool fighting, and a love triangle, and something else, and another something else. Anyway, it was pretty good, and Charlie Chu is a big idiot.

So, in conclusion... SCREW YOU, CHARLIE CHU!

Anyway, "House of Flying Badgers"... LAYMAN™ RECOMMENDED!

I promised you some Gambit #5 reviews, did I not?

From Hannibal's Buy Pile: "God help us, is John Layman making this comic actually readable? If it makes it all the way to 'good,' make sure your bomb shelter's fully stocked." Full review Here.

From Paul O'Brien's X-Axis. Poor Paul acts like complimenting Gambit causes him physical pain: "...Ends up as the best of this week's X-books. Which isn't to say that it's particularly good, but at least it's readable and fun." Full review Here.