Life imitates art!

Puffed: Queasy comedy about a hapless schlub who gets stuck in a dragon costume he can't get out of on his own, who ends up pooping himself.






Puffed II: Queasy comedy about a hapless schlub who gets stuck in a dragon costume he can't get out of on his own, who ends up pooping himself.

Dissension in the ranks!! Editorial shuffle imminent!!

Editors to Layman: FIRE DESANTIS!!!!

Well, this is embarrassing. Just days after announcing a line-up of editors to help contribute to this blog, Eric Murray Desantis, erstwhile "DC Comics and Other Alternative Lifestyles" editor, wrote a very unfortunate blog posting in his woeful personal blog, Litany of Shist, where he made the humiliating admission that "Aquaman is one of my favorite characters," which ran with a curiously Photoshopped picture of Mr. DeSantis in a ludicrous Aquaman T-shirt.

Now, we are very open minded to lifestyle choices here at this blog, but there are limits, and admitting to a preference to Aquaman certainly tests those limits. No sooner had Eric posted his very unpleasant admission, angry emails started filling my in boxes from his fellow editors, demanding Eric resign-- or be fired! The normally mind-mannered Neal Pozner railed that Eric had no right to write about t-shirts, when Neal was assigned to be Style Editor. And, also, admitting to wearing an Aquaman T-shirt (much less MAKING one) is the very antithesis of style. Meanwhile, James Nadiger had a more visceral response, "In my neighborhood (Canada,) you could get beat up for admitting you even know who Aquaman is. Admitting you LIKE Aquaman is the sort of shit that will get you shanked, and deservedly so." And, similarly, JK Rowlings complained not so much about the content, but Eric's method of delivery, calling DeSantis' prose "puerile and garish."

More news on this as it develops, but unless we can get a retraction from DeSantis, he is in all likelihood fired. And we apologize to any of our readers to subjecting anyone, however briefly, to somebody who likes a comic book character as inherently stupid as Aquaman.

Thanks a lot, asshole!

That stereo you took cost $200 in the year 2000, and was so old discs skipped if there was the slightest, littlest smudge.






This sort of shit never happened in Seattle, man!

A blog breakthrough: Meet the new staff!!!

It's become sadly apparent that with a relatively new kid, and a relatively new job, my blogging, and this blog, and YOU, dear reader, have suffered a result. But, recognizing my responsibility to you, I've decided to step things up, by adding a STAFF of dedicated bloggers to provide you with the content you so desperately crave.

So, without further ado, let's welcome the good folks who will be helping out with blog, and briefly discuss their responsibilities.




NEAL J. POZNER
A dear, dear friend of this blog, who has stepped up in the past and blogged to heroic effort, Neal has been named Style Editor. He'll be writing about the latest in hip fashion trends, from Tokyo, New York, Milan to Paris. Please send all clothing, accessories, style tips and story ideas to Neal at his soon-to-be-refurbished blog, The Style Wind. And look for his searing and very personal essay, "How I stopped fearing fashion and learned to love vests; A fleece Odyssey!," coming soon!




ERIC MURRAY DESANTIS
One of my most beloved compatriots, Eric has been charged with writing about DC Comics, as well as other alternative lifestyle choices. His multipart epic, "Sinistro Corp Issue One, Second Printing, and the Fine Art of Autoerotic Asphixiation," will be serialized in this blog, with all twenty-three of its chapters compete and unabridged.




JAMES NADIGER
James Nadiger is the Canadian John Layman, and one of meanest, most magnificnt bastards in the entire world. He runs this blog's Canadian sister sight, I blame the Internet, and infuses it with pure perfection on an almost-regular basis. He's been named International Correspondent, since he lives in another country. He'll also be writing about Teen Trends, something he knows only all too well.




J.K. ROWLINGS
This British writer has written several short stories exclusively for this blog, which will debut when our busy schedule permits. Look for "Jimmy Bucket and the Platoon on the Moon," Chapter One, sometime in the coming months.




BRIAN XERES PEREZ
My loathing for Brian Perez has been duly noted. And he may be an asshole, but he sure knows his stuff. He'll be tackling the sensitive subjects nobody else dares to touch, with his own brand of seering, introspective gonzo journalism. Future exposes include "I really like Dick Cheney," "Larry Craig was in my bathroom, now he's in my heart," and "Self-Help cures for the hopeless STD sufferer."



AND FINALLY...


We have one last opening, and since it is SO big, it can't be trusted to just ANYBODY. That's why I am putting out an open call for contributors on the "Reggie beat," with blog postings devoted solely to this blog's favorite, favorite, favorite cat. Bloggers are expected to contribute 3-4 times a week, with posts in length of 1500-2000 words on the virtues and endless appeal of Reggie. Potential blog postings may include "Reggie looks just like a Panda, but is even cuter!," "Reggie is colored like a penguin but is much cuter and sweeter than the filthy animals in the 'March of' movie," "Reggie is an ANGEL!!!" and, finally, "Reggie should be a member of the White Stripes 'cause he has a huge fuzzy white stripe on his tummy."


If you would like to apply for this position, please contribute three sample articles in a Word document, double-spaced, using Ariel Font size 13.

serious inquiries only

KFC cruel to chickens: shocking video evidence obtained!!

KFC suppliers cram birds into huge waste-filled factories, breed and drug them to grow so large that they can’t even walk, and often break their wings and legs. At slaughter, the birds’ throats are slit and they are dropped into tanks of scalding-hot water—often while they are still conscious. It would be illegal for KFC to abuse dogs, cats, pigs, or cows in these ways.

Pamela Anderson, His Holiness Al Sharpton, and countless other kind people worldwide have vowed not to eat at KFC. After seeing this disturbing video, you may never want to eat at KFC again either!!

OMG!!! I have never noticed this before!!

Reggie looks EXACTLY like a Panda Bear!

Can you tell the two apart? Which is nature's playful clown, and which is Layman's precious angel?!?!?

New Frank Black album: REJOICE!!!!

Even better, it's a Black Francis album, with music considerably harder than the easy-listening (but still good) stuff he's been doing as Frank Black.



Thanks to Chris "Puffy" Combs for pointing this out to me.

On Sale Today: Marvel Zombies/Army of Darkness TPB HARDCOVER

My first ever hardcover.

Or, given my current comic book career trajectory, very likely my last hardcover. HA!

REGGIE HAS TWO NEW COUSINS!

Introducing fledging cutie-pies (Frank) Booth and (Christy Joel) Hinkley, two fuzzy little cousins to the esteemed Reginald James Poggles (see below, and let your heart soar:)


Some people think that living in a 900-square-foot apartment with two people, an infant and six cats is crazy. I think it's AWESOME!!!!!

So, anyway, as long as we are on the subject of video games...

This is my new favorite internet time-waster. Rose&Camellia, a VERY obviously Japanese flash game about 19th Century chicks slapping each other. What could be better?



I just wish their was an Americanized version, of urban "hoochies" slapping the crap out of each other.

Or Zsa Zsa Gabor, working her way up the police chain.

Or Eric DeSantis, when he tries to get fresh at a gentlemen's club.

Oh, the possibilities!

I finished my first game on the X-box Thirty-Six Zero!!!

As regular devotees to this blog know, I was pretty solidly a PS2 gamer, and I mostly let my X-Box sit and gather dust. But when I upgraded, for various reasons, I preferred the X-box Thirty-Six Zero over the PS3 (the fact that my PS3 gets so hot afer 5 minutes of play I fear it will spontaniously combust certainly doesn't help matters.)



So anyway, I started playing Rainbow Six Vegas, just for the hell of it, and I must have enjoyed it, because I played it all the way to the end. There really is nothing better than splattered brains across Freemont Street and the Strip.





Anyway, it was fun, and a nice diversion from Warcraft (which I gave up for 21 days, but that was all I could handle.)

Sorry I have not been blogging more. The job is going well, and all that, but I have to admit to being going through some post-comics blues. Is hard to go from writing a ton of comics to writing practically nothing.

ATTENTION TEENAGERS!!!!!

THIS is the hip new trend that will finally make you cool in the eyes of your peers.


Yes.

My picture, printed on your thumb.

this is my xbox gamer tag

I'm told 320 is the highest score in the entire history of X-Box Thirty-Six Zero

Baby's first Blu-Ray: Three Effing Hundred!

I might have mentioned once or twice I've been enjoying watching movies in Blu Ray (never mind my PS3 that I watch it on sucks and practically melts down after fifteen minute of viewing.) I figure it's time to hedge my bets in the war of HD vs. Blu Ray and pick a side, plus I just really wanted a cool looking movie that would stand up to multiple viewings. When we got our PS3 (which we got for free, I would never actually pay for that piece of crap) we got free Blu Ray copies of Kung Fu Hustle and Talladaga Nights. Talladaga, as a movie, is not just ass, but dirty, unfunny ass, so I sold that in just about a heartbeat. I've hung on to Kung Fu Hustle, though I don't have tremendously strong feelings about it one way or the other.

So anyway, I've been looking for a Blu Ray movie to buy, and though I hadn't seen 300 I had a strong suspicion it would kick ass enough, visually, it would be a worthy addition to the Layman permanent collection, especially my fledging Blu Ray collection. Part of this reason owe to a guy name Chris at my new job, who sits in the cubicle next to me (yes, I sit in a cubible--so what?) All the dude EVER talks about is 300, like not only is it the best movie he's ever seen, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. Every frickin' day.

So anyway, I bought 300. And it was pretty good. And, of course, it got the "Blu Ray bump," where every movie seems better in Blu Ray.

But then I wondered, is this just my imagination? Psychological justification for the money I spent on that HDTV? Chris, because he loves 300 so much, has a loaner copy of the movie on DVD he keeps at his desk, to "spread the gospel." Just for the hell of it, I borrowed his DVD, so I could watch a scene on DVD, and then on Blu Ray, and see if I could really see a difference, or if it was just in my head.

Holy mother of god. Blu Ray is officially awesome. Compared to regular DVD I could see every hair or this or that Spartan's head. See every grain of sand on the beach and every stitch in somebody's cloak. With Blu Ray, I can see into eternity.

Anyway, I was a pretty good movie. Made better by the bottle of wine I guzzled as I watched it.

I wonder what Blu Ray movie I will buy next.

Mike Wieringo passes at a shockingly young age

I'm been meaning to blog more about James Nadiger, and how he has become the meanest young man in all of Canada, but yesterday I got sidelined by the news that comic book artist Mike Wieringo died on Sunday of a heart attack at age 44.

I didn't know him much. We talked a couple times when I was an editor, but I never worked with him, and I'm pretty sure we never interacted face to face. I loved his stuff, it was clean, and fun and accessible, the sort of work you look at and it makes you feel good about comics, and you could hand Mike's work to somebody who didn't read comics and they would understand its appeal. I particularly liked Wieringo's stuff on Fantastic Four with Mark Waid, and he did a very charming book for Image called Tellos. And Mike's stuff for DC was atypical, because it did not blow, like most of the rest of DC.

Anyway, my happiness and shock that a$$hole Karl Rove is leaving the White House was rapidly overtaken by deep sadness and shock somebody like Mike Wieringo could --snap!-- just like that be gone. I think everybody just assumed we had decades more of seeing his work, regularly, reliably. But no, it was not to be.

Very sad.

James Nadiger Week will be postponed for a while as a result. But I bet even a tough old bastard like James would approve.

RIP Mike Wieringo.

James Nadiger at the bookstore!

Sweaty man scuttles up to the front desk.

SWEATY MAN: How much is that copy of The Mint in that display case?

JNADIGER: It's $74.95. Says here it's a first UK Edition.

SM: Let me see it.

JN: Since it's a pricey book, I'm going to hold it and show it TO you.

JN (inside his head): Particularly when you look like sketchy fucking weirdo.

SM: What? Fine. Show me inside the dust jacket. Show me that back page. Now let me smell it.

JN: What?

SM: Let me smell the book.

JN: *holds the book up to the guy's face.*

SM: No, no. If I can't handle the book AND smell it, I won't be buying it.

JN: Okay. Well. Better luck next time, then.

SHOCKER!!! Layman admits paternity!!!!

LOS GATOS, California (Reuters) -- Comic writer/blogger John Layman publicly acknowledged on Friday having fathered a child out of wedlock with Spice Girls alternate singer "Churro Spice," who brought a paternity suit against him earlier this week.

A brief statement issued by Layman's publicist said the 49-year-old writer of "Sentinel Squad O*N*E" and the "Dark Xena" comic books "always has and will continue to honor his responsibilities as a father."

"Mr. Layman acknowledges paternity of the child Carter, and has paid child support as well as covering the expenses of the pregnancy."

The statement concluded by saying Layman "views this as a private matter, and as such, will not be making any further comments about it."

Layman had never publicly acknowledged paternity before.

Suit was filed against Layman in Los Gatos Superior Court on Wednesday, seeking to legally establish his paternity and seeking unspecified child support for the 8-month-old boy.

A DNA test in June confirmed that Layman is the father of Carter Zane "Reggie Junior" Layman, who was born in December. The couple dated last year and "Churro," 23, an alternate member of the British pop music phenomenon, listed Layman as the father on the child's birth certificate.

On Sale Today: SCARFACE SCARRED FOR LIFE TPB

One lousy production error on page 2 of issue 2 keeps this from being the perfect book. But it's still pretty damn awesome.

One of my favorite things I've ever done, and a pure pleasure to be a part of. Pick it up.

Simpsons Layman

Yes, the Simpsons generator does not accurately portray just how enormously fat I am.

Nor does it show the cast on my leg, since I broke my ankle last night at Comic Con.

Here's a few of adorable pictures of the sweetest baby in the entire world!!!!

Look at the sweetest baby in the entire world!!... He's allowing Carter to pet him!!!!

OMG! I think Cyber-Bullying is the most cool and awesome thing EVER!!!

Oh, man, Cyber Bullying is TOTALLY awesome! I don't see what everybody is complaining about. I've just started Cyber Bullying lately and, boy, is it a blast. It's a GREAT way to harass people, and still maintain anonymity. Plus, I love the idea of saying things online to people I wouldn't say to their face. I'm telling you, Cyber Bullying is the way to go, it's totally emboldened me and boosted my self esteem.

I found this awesome chart online, and it's been really helpful (although if I ever talk online to the person who made the chart I'll tell him what an asshole he is--HA!! Cyber Bullying at its finest!!) Anyway, this chart is a handy sort of "how to" guide to Cyber Bullying, and I absolutely LOVE it! I've totally aced the middle column, because I think it's way more fun to be mean over the internet than in real life. My next step is to master the art of "defamatory libel!"

Anyway, I'm going to keep this blog entry short, because I am really dying to get back to Cyber Bullying.

So see you 'round the internet... jerk!!

And, lo, there is harmony in the universe.

I got a job!



I wrote a comical book!



And...
REGGIE IS USING
THE LITTER BOX!!!!

Tek Jansen, and an open letter to SDCC07 attendees

Tek Jansen came out this week, from Oni Press, with art by Scott Chantler, covers by John Cassaday and Scott Chantler, a back-up story by Jim Massey and Robbi Rodriguez, and a main story “co-written” by Tom Peyer and myself. I intended to blog about it, but my personal trainer has gotten himself in a bit of a fix with the INS, and, as you know, what affects Ricki, so affects me. I’d also intended to blog and point out that Tom Peyer would be doing a store signing Saturday at The Comics Dungeon Comic Book shop on 45th Ave in Seattle, but considering what a disaster that turned out to be, it’s probably better I did not.

I just got off the phone with Tom Peyer, who tearfully related the events of yesterday’s signing with a series of low moans and high-pitched blubbering. To say that the signing did not go well would be an understatement. I’ll relay details, but first: a bit of information about Tom.

Tom Peyer is legitimately a legend in comics, and one of the reasons I agreed to “write” with him on Tek Jansen. He has read and written comics more than most of us have been alive, and was entertaining our parents with comic scripts that brimmed with folksy charm and vaudevillian wit. Today, his time long past, he walks with a permanent stoop, shuffling slowly, sometimes shaking, and his forlorn, hangdog face is etched with a long lifetime of hundreds and hundreds of broken dreams. Still, when you look at his faded, blood-shot, tear-streamed, rheumy eyes, you can still see the slightest spark of life, and it never fails to charm the people in his presence. I don’t know a single person who knows Tom who does not love him. He is a kindly old gent from a different era. A gentlemen’s gentleman, and his rich legacy should be respected.

Which makes yesterday’s events all the more disappointing, shocking and shameful. And I hold not just the attendees of the Comics Dungeon store signing responsible, but also the staff, and in particular the store manager Chris, who really should have known better than to offer Tom Peyer a tuna fish salad for lunch. In his advanced years, Tom is not as dexterous as he once was, and much of his lunch ended up on his shirt, and matted in his beard. This drew lots of snickers, comments and low laughter from many of the teens in attendance. The good Mr. Peyer, being from a different generation, does not always understand the parlance and humor of today’s youth, and he gamely played along, assuming people with laughing with him, and not at him. And things then deteriorated further, as one brash youth leaned over the table and tugged on Mr. Peyer’s beard, and then subdued chuckles grew to raucous laughter, and then derisive jeers. I’m extraordinarily disappointed in what happened next, to this poor, dazed old man, as things continued to escalate, and one of the heartless youngsters grabbed Mr. Tom Peyer’s cane and the entire crowd and staff participated in an impromptu game of “keep-away,” while the tired and infirm Mr. Peyer could only fumble around confusedly and haplessly.

To the pair of fans who actually attended this signing to pay homage to Tom Peyer’s bountiful comics history, I salute you. I’d rather not go into any details about the final part of the story. Suffice to say, it will likely be Tom’s final signing, so humiliated was he. Tom is not as young as he used to be, and does not have the control he once did when he is agitated. I have no doubt, if he ever can be convinced to do another signing, he will opt to wear dark blue jeans, rather than lightly-hued khaki slacks, to avoid any further messy embarrassment.

Which brings me to this:

I will be attending this year's San Diego Comic Con, flying in to sign for a SINGLE DAY, for a SINGLE HOUR. My publishers have gone to considerable expense to fly me there, I have an exorbitant appearance fee, and a list of demands that in no way can be considered reasonable. And be warned: I spend about 3 hours a day writing comics, and twice as much time pumping iron, and chiseling my body into muscular perfection. I pop ‘Roids like hard candy, and I have a rage in my heart that makes Chris Benoit look like an Osmond tune played during butterfly mating season on a field of sunflowers.

I would like to ensure there is no repeat of Mr. Tom Peyer’s disastrous signing, and am taking steps to guarantee my safety, and the safety of well-behaved comics fans understandably desperate for my autograph. I advise all attendees of the SDCC07 to read the following, and abide by these expectations I have for you when you line up to receive my signature on your comic:

1. Please stand in a single file line, arms at your side, looking straight ahead, and not talking. Turn off your iPods and your cell phones. Teenagers, that also means NO TEXTING!

2. Look directly at me at all times, but do NOT actually make eye contact. This will be interpreted as an act of hostility and aggression and be returned with punitive measures.

3. Do not stare at my crotch. My body is a temple, and I am just as our Lord God and our Savior Jesus Christ made me, and I would never defile myself with anything as crass as a penile implant. Yes, it is real, and, no, it is none of your business.

4. Address me as “Mr. Layman” or “Sergeant.” You have not earned the right to call me “John.” Nor “Sarge.” Do not presume any familiarity. Do not be surprised if I do not remember you if we’ve met previously, even if we have met repeatedly.

5. Yellow lines designate my 5-foot “fan-free” zone. Please do not cross yellow lines. Unbag your comics and hand them to a member of my support staff or one of my unpaid interns. Do not under any circumstances attempt to touch me, even if you are wearing gloves.

6. No small talk. No chit chat. There is nothing you can say to me I could possibly care about. You have exactly 5 words to attract my interest, with either flattery or a racist joke, 7 words if you are an attractive female, 8 words if you are a supermodel, celebrity or member of the clergy. In the very likely event you do not attract my interest, I will make a lightning fast “zip it” motion with my index finger and thumb across my lips, and you should immediately stifle yourself in mid-sentence and henceforth remain silent. Holding your breath would be a big plus.

7. If I do chose to engage you in conversation, please be aware the very one-sided conversation should consist entirely of compliments. You should offer no criticism toward any aspect of any book I have worked on. I don’t care if you don’t like the assistant editor, the letterer, even the production guy who laid the UPC code on the cover. If you have anything negative to say, keep it to yourself. If you any have any negative thoughts, purge them from your mind, because I can read it on your face, and there is no human force that can stop me from getting out of my chair and beating you within an inch of your life.

I offer you the following list for your own well-being. I can and will not be responsible, morally, legally or financially, for any heinous bodily harm you suffer for failing to capitulate to the demands on this list. Reading this and/or attending San Diego Comic Con means you agree to abide by the above, and I hereby waive any responsibility for my actions if you incur my terrible wrath.

Have I made myself clear?

More Harrowing "Tails" of Feline Urinary Misadventure

The good news: We rented our townhouse in Seattle.

The bad: Reggie did so much "damage" to the downstairs carpet the carpet cleaners could not fix the stains and smell. We have to replace the downstairs with new carpet.

But... I ask you:


HOW COULD YOU STAY MAD AT THIS SWEET ANGEL FACE?!?!?!!?!?

In Praise of Silverfish

As an award-winning winner of the fantastically pretigious Bloggo award, I recognize my duty to you, the morose, lonely blog reader. I take very seriously my "job" as a blogger, with daily updates, the very best in entertainment and information. As a rule, I shy away from blogging about comics that are not my own. In my opinion, there is nothing more pathetic than some whiny sad, sack fanboy kvetching about their weekly haul. It's even more pathetic if that poor dork is a fan of DC. And while paying compliments to DC, particularly Vertigo, causes me literal physical pain, today I must endure a few painful kidney spasms for a shout out for David Lapham's new book Silverfish.


David Lapham's STRAY BULLETS series is my favorite Favorite FAVORITE comic, and when a new Stray Bullets comes out, it's always an occasion to celebrate. In this case, Silverfish is a self-contained crime story which might as well be a Stray Bullets story (sorta like his other non-Stray Bullets graphic novel, Murder Me Dead.) I just figure Lapham is trying to get a better paycheck than he gets from his self-published stuff, plus going through Vertigo is a good way to reach a wider audience, which Stray Bullets totally deserves.

Is a good story, lots of tense moments, sorta History of Violence through the twisted Lapham lens. I was literally on the edge of my seat throughout the story, and there's not a lot of comics or comic creators that can have that affect on me.

Anyway, I totally recommend this, just like I recommend each and every issue of Stray Bullets. So I'm breaking my rule about pimping other peoples comics. This is good stuff. Buy it today.



We know return to our regular (Bloggo Award Winning!!!) programming.

I got my scanner up and running.

Consequently, The Layman Backlist has been updated with a couple months worth o' Da New Shit.

On Sale Today! MARVEL ZOMBIES VS. ARMY OF DARKNESS #5

End of the line for Ol' Layman