Tuesday, May 31, 2005

MOFG! I got something stuck up my nose and it totally hurt!



Oh man, this sucks. I don't know what the hell is the matter with me. Sunday my "roommate" and I took the train to Portland to go to an Oni Bar-N-Q. The whole morning I had something in my eye that was bugging me, and I could not get it out. But on the train, suddenly there was something up my nose--way up there--and it freakin' HURT, dude. Everytime time I sneeze I thought my head was gonna explode, and it was this weird half-tickle, half-super-intense pain, coming right from the center of my head. It lasted for about two hours, and every time I thought it was going away, it reared its ugly head again.

I'm not sure what it was, but it was weird and it hurt like hell. Now, a couple of days later my throat hurts from all the nose-blowing and sneezing and shit I did.

It sucked!

UPDATED: It still hurts when I sniff really hard.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Friday, May 27, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK SEVEN RESULTS



WEEK SEVEN WINNER: TWO TIME WINNER DAVID BARON




It was just a matter of time before David Baron and his My Zombies blog overtook James and it was Baron's whimsical Photoshop of Neal as C3PO that pushed him over the edge. You know the thing that baffled me the most about the entire Star Wars saga? In Episode II, when 3PO and R2D2 are at the Genosian Battle Droid factory, and they are hovering above some chasm, and R2 pushed 3PO over the edge... WHY? What POSSIBLE reason could R2 have had for that? Of all the lamebrained plot holes in the entire 6 movies, that is the thing that bothers me the most. Go figure. Anyway, I'm planning a trip to New York for 4th of July, and am trying to get Baron to come along, too. Won't that be fun?
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 4-1




As previously established, James Nadiger's I Blame the Internets blog kicks ass, and continues to kick ass. However, James never participates in our photoshop challenges, and that counts a tick against him. James, don't tell me you don't have Photoshop? This is the 21st Century. That's like a caveman without fire. Anyway, good work, just not quite good enough.
Previous Odds: 3-2
New Odds: 4-1




The dingo ate my baby


Don't let anything I've said fool you. This game belongs to Eric DeSantis and his Litany of Schist blog. How could it not? Eric is the purest embodiment of charm. He is a delight to behold, and every word out of his mouth is pure honey. I firmly believe Eric has been riding this competition out, letting James and David have their brief moments in the sun. I've already admitted this competition is fixed, right? And I'm telling you now, baring some terrible tragedy, Eric DeSantis is gonna reign supreme as the Laymamerican Idol.
Eric's Previous Odds: 10-1
New Odds: 4-1



Who say two wrongs don't make a right? Yesterday we struck comedy gold with the pairing of Hannibal Tabu and Neal Pozner, owners, respectively, of The Wind and Soapdish. It was such a successful pairing we've decided to keep the two together, as the Tabu's Brothers, proclaiming them the next great black/white comedy buddy duo, this generation's Nolte/Murphy, with Hannibal playing the world-weary, gruff and grizzled veteran tough-guy to Neal's foul-mouth, street-saavy, wise-cracking urban hustler--with an eye for the ladies! Best of all, they both love Sally Field, even though together they simmer with homoerotic tension! Looks for an appearence by the Tabu's Brothers at your local Kareoke bar, with Hannibal belting out the slo-jams, while Neal plucks a toe-tapping tune on his banjo, Deliverance-stylee.
Hannibal's Previous Odds: 10-1
Neal's Previous Odds: 12-1
The "Tabu's Brothers" New Odds: 4-1




WEEK SIX LOSER#1: MARY BRICKTHROWER'S THE WRETCHED GIRL

WEEK SIX LOSER#2: JOHN OAK DALTON


WTF?!?!? I do believe Mary Brickthrower wanted to be eLAYMANated, which is the only possible explaination for her truly horrendus blogging of the past week. She committed two cardinal, unforgivable sins. First, she liked Star Wars Episode III, and said not to listen to the "Haterzzz" (a comment clearly directly at me.) If that was not bad enough, she TALKED ABOUT SPORTS, AND POSTED A PHOTO OF SOME FUCKING "ATHELETE." As previously stated, this is grounds for immediate dismissal, as all sports bore me to tears, but baseball is the WORST of them all (well, basketball sucks pretty bad, too.) Anyway, Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex and your blog, How The Wretched Live blog... meet my Size 8 steel-toed boot... You've been eLAYMANated!!!!

It's not like John Oak Dalton did not warn us. He said he would not be blogging for a while, and then ceased to. However, to use a (blegh!) sports analogy, one does not stop playing the game when you are on the verge of making the playoffs. Sadly, we must bid a fond farewell to JOD. However, it should be mentions, that in recent posts from his blog, John used headers from various Alice Donut song titles, and that did not go unnoticed. I wonder, is John actually a fan, or was he just shamelessly trying to survive the competition. It doesn't matter now, as John Oak Dalton has been eLAYMANated!!! At least JOD goes out with a bang for using Alice Donut songs, while Mary B goes out with a humiliating whimper.


HALL OF SHAME
WEEK SIX:
Information Overload,
Darlene's Alilain's Burning Kitchen
WEEK FIVE:
Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs
Maki Yamane's Trauma Queen
WEEK FOUR:
Marcus the Cowardly Christian's The Long and the Short of It
Digio's As Mayor of This Town
Darlene's Ollie Hearts Crickets
WEEK THREE:
The Rude Pundit
Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap
WEEK TWO:
Scott Robin's All Ages
Brian Perez's Logic and Nausea
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Why, Neal even likes Hannibal Tabu

(I guess somebody has to!)

Monday, May 23, 2005

Neal also loves high culture...

...especially the grace and elegance which is ballet.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

And Neal also likes animals..

...particularly the gentle Wallabee.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Friday, May 20, 2005

For the record

Information Overload has many, many, many fine qualities.

I probably should not have eLAYMANated her.











Her favorite cat is Batty.

My favourite part of Episode III

Was the "easter egg" revelation that General Greivious was constructed using Darth Maul's body parts. COOL!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK SIX RESULTS



WEEK SIX WINNER: TWO TIME WINNER JAMES NADIGER


Holy crap. I remember just a couple weeks ago when that idiot James Nadiger was going on about liking the band U2 and between projectile vomiting I was just itching to give him the boot. But than he went and kicked ass, and surprised everybody with a win. Only, it turns out that last week was just the warm-up. Not only did James' I Blame the Internets blog win, but he MOPPED THE FLOOR with you candy-ass bitches. He posted, like, a billion times and had cute kitty pictures and his wacky-ass internet personality quizzes. The "Alternate ending" to Empire Strikes Back was great and his Star Wars Princess Leia dog thingie, and a bunch of movie and anime shit. Man, something for everybody, and I'm gonna go out on a limb here, as much as it pains me to do so, and announce James has supplanted David Baron as the new front-runner of this competition. Not that David's blog was bad, either, but James was so damn good he make David Baron look like Neal Pozner--and there is no fate on Earth worse than that.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 3-2



Hmm. My close pal David Baron and his My Zombies blog should have taken this, but for James' relentless devotion to this competition. James is pulling ahead, but Baron does not strike me as a man to knuckle under. Look for Baron to start playing dirty with the things he specializes at; skanky chicks, alcoholic binges and wild parties. James is Canadian-- there's no way he can compete against that!
Previous Odds: 2-1
New Odds: 4-1

A perfectly acceptable week from Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live. I dunno, though. I have no interest in seeing that dumb Nicole Kidman movie... no matter what anybody says. I like it when she talks about "Lost," though.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 6-1



As this competition heats up, it's beginning to get nasty, like two angry and ungrateful dogs biting the hand of their loving master. Both Eric DeSantis' Litany of Schist and Hannibal Tabu's Soapdish devote considerable time and energy to slandering your heroic narrator. I bet those fuckers would not turn on Paula Abdul, Simon Whazhizname or the black guy with the glasses who used to be fat before he got his stomach stapled. Anyway, they both survive a week, because I feed on hate and it makes me stronger, but their odds have diminished considerably.
Hannibal's Previous Odds: 8-1
Eric's Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: 10-1

Neal Pozner, owner of The Wind, really ought to be eLAYMANated this week, but he squeaks by purely on the sap factor, that it would be too cruel to boot his goofy ass after his heartfelt birthday wish to his dad (or, in Neal-speak, his "father.") Also, Neal has provided us perfect fodder for our next LAYMAMERICAN IDOL IRON PHOTOSHOP CHALLENGE. See that picture of Neal next to his father? You challenge is to Photoshop Neal next to other people he loves and/or admires. Two entries per contestant, please.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 12-1



John Oak Dalton wrote me last week recommending I Netflix his movie "Among Us" rather than "Razorteeth," fearing perhaps Razorteeth would be so horrendous it would merit him instant eLAYMANation. (Sorry I did not write you back, John... busy week.) Nonetheless, Razorteeth showed up in my mailbox, and I'm about 45 minutes into it, and it's horrendous. On the other hand, Episode III was just as bad, and that cost me $6 freakin' bucks. Plus, there is something inherrently charming about a movie whose entire special effects budget, as far as I can tell, consists of two plastic fish and a bucket of red food coloring.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 13-1



WEEK SIX LOSER#1: DARLENE ALILAIN's BURNING KITCHEN

WEEK SIX LOSER#2: INFORMATION OVERLORD


Darlene's Alilain's, Burning Kitchen finally gets the boot this week. She talks about moving in one blog posting. Listening to stories about moving is like hearing people describe their dreams. Nobody really give a shit except the person telling the story. She also commented on Frank Gorshin of the Batman TV series (which, believe it or not, I never watched) and Star Trek, which I am long past over. Anyway, her week wasn't BAD, per se, but competition is getting fierce, and two MUST go. S'long, sucker!

So... check this out. Information Overload, who just happens to be my roommate, is out of town for the week, at E3, which normally might be enough to get her a pass this week. And while she is gone, like I always do, I clean the house top to bottom and do all the laundry and fold her clothes and vaccuum and feed the stupid cats and change their stupid litter boxes, clean the kitchen top to bottom, etc., etc. She's gone for a week, right? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? So why did Information Overlord call me and the first thing she did was bitch me out for not giving her a good enough birthday present (TIVO and an expensive dinner) and she DEMANDED I get her another present. WTF!?!?!?!?!? She was also just generally argumentative and pugilistic, and as you know --or may just be finding out-- THIS SORT OF INSUBORDINATION WILL NOT STAND. Anyway, the Information Overload has been eLAYMANated. Be glad I'm also not changing the locks!!!

HALL OF SHAME
WEEK FIVE:
Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs
Maki Yamane's Trauma Queen
WEEK FOUR:
Marcus the Cowardly Christian's The Long and the Short of It
Digio's As Mayor of This Town
Darlene's Ollie Hearts Crickets
WEEK THREE:
The Rude Pundit
Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap
WEEK TWO:
Scott Robin's All Ages
Brian Perez's Logic and Nausea
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

Fuckin' A! Who'd Thunk it!

Turns out I'm an idealist.

Idealist

88%

Existentialist

81%

Postmodernist

56%

Cultural Creative

56%

Romanticist

56%

Materialist

50%

Modernist

44%

Fundamentalist

13%

What is Your World View? (corrected...again)
created with QuizFarm.com

mind-numbingly boring + stupider than shit = Episode III

WTF, George? A robot who coughs?!?!?!?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The greatest blog post in history.

A Gambit "fan" sent me this. I have enemies EVERYWHERE. Isn't that awesome?!?!?!?

Happiness in Slavery

I've noted that my decrease in blogging directly corresponds to my quitting coffee and caffiene a couple of weeks ago.

Fuck it. For you, I've decided to take it up again. Look for a dramatic increase in blogging henceforth.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Layman Lego Project

This week's theme... MONSTERS!

02.1383 pharaoh curse

02.1380 werewolf ambush

02.1381 vampire crypt

Saturday, May 14, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK FIVE RESULTS



Ok, so I fully admit I haven't been the best blogger. I was juggling two video games, and a tough comic script. But I'm down to one thing, and my week looks pretty good, so expect me to blog like a madman. Yes, I realize, if I was a contestant, I'd be ripe to be eLaymanated myself. Then again, I DID post that awesome picture of a 1973 Lego Ambulance, so surely that would be enough to keep yourself safe.

Congrations! The casualties are mounting, and if you are still in the competition, you are the internet equivilant of Antwon Fisher: "Still Strong.. still standing." Of course, two of your asses get booted this week, and things are gonna be 100% cutthroat from here on out. Expect to see many of the players playing dirty from here on out.

Anyway:
WEEK FIVE WINNER: JAMES NADIGER

Cana-duh is the 51st State. It is a magical land, full of strange, simple people. It is cold there, and North. They have universal healthcare, and, unlike American, are not governed by monsters. People in Cana-duh are very small. They walk very fast, but take very small steps. They talk in very high-pitched voices, and chirp and laugh and sing. When they run into each other, they fall down, and they roll around, and laugh and laugh and laugh.
This week, James Nadiger reminded us all what it was to be Cana-duh-ian, and put a little of the Maple Leaf state in everybody's heart. He also reminded me of the original reason I feel in love with him. Let's face it, this mother fucker blogged like a FIEND this last week, and he had all is whimsically goofy shit, and a ton of his weird-ass "internet personality tests" (I'll take them all later and post the results.) Anyway, mad props to the J-Man's I Blame the Internets. Had he bothered to post a cat picture, we could have just shut down the entire competition, and declared him the overall winner and give him a lifetime achievement award.
Previous Odds: 14-1
New Odds: 3-1



Dear god. David Baron's My Zombies is back, and back with a vengeance. Gold teeth, big boobs, and a damning photo of another member of Laymanerican Idol. This one time winner really should have one again, but James Nadiger just NARROWLY squeaked by him. Still, as I've said from the beginning, Baron is the man to watch in this competition.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 2-1


Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live. had a pretty good week. I enjoy reviews, and I liked the picture of the cute little kitten fighting with the little doggie.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 4-1


While I like internet personality test, I don't like those stupid interview list thingies. John Oak Dalton posted one that largely concerned music. I like that he admitted he (like myself) is too told for emo, but he loses points for not mentioning Alice Donut or the Cramps. I figure his Nazi Zombie photo balanced that out, and kept him alive for another week. That and the fact I'm waiting to see his movie Razorteeth on my Netflix que. Anway, John Oak Dalton lives another week.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 6-1


Neal Pozner, owner of The Wind, got a new job, so maybe his luck is turning around. However, you'd never know it from his blog. I was going to make a joke referring back to that damaging photo on David Baron's blog, but hasn't Neal been humiliated enough?
Previous Odds: 9-1
New Odds: 7-1



While I've said repeatedly David Baron will probably win this, Eric DeSantis is the person I am rooting for. However, his blog Litany of Schist is just boring as fuck. Eric.. .why not mix it up with some artwork on your blog, other than the douchbag DC logo. Also, Eric liked Hitchhikers Guide (as did James N.) It was everything I could do not to walk out of that movie, but I suppose this is a different post.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 8-1

I don't get it. If you set up a blog to worship Sally Field, shouldn't you at least talk about Sally Field? Hannibal Tabu's Soapdish goes down a notch, just for its sheer hypocracy.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 8-1



A wedding? A bunch of food? Darlene's Alilain's, Burning Kitchen reached a new low for tedium. Fortunately for her, there were people even MORE deserving of eLAYMANtion.
Previous Odds:4-1
New Odds: 9-1

Yawn. Another ho-hum week for Information Overload. Can anybody tell me while she is still in the competition? Seems to me, judging by the quality of her blog, she should have been eLAYMANated weeks and weeks ago. Anybody?
Also, I thought Information Overload cheated, and rearranged the Netflix que so Jon Oak Dalton's movie did not show up (we got stupid "Garden State" instead. However, turns out there is just a "very long wait' for Razorteeth.
Previous Odds: 10-1
New Odds: 14-1





WEEK FIVE LOSER#1: TRAUMA QUEEN

WEEK FIVE LOSER#2: SORE THUMBS


Maki Yamane only posted once this past week to her Trauma Queen blog, and it contained the world baseball. Fortunately, baseball is so nauseating that it even made Maki puke her guts out. Still, there are some things that you should not talk about in refined company such as this. And so, Maki must be eLAYMANated.

Let's face it, Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs is not really a blog, it's a web comic, so it was jus a matter of time before he got the boot. Also, as mentioned before, Owen and I are working on a comic together, and he hasn't give me a page in a long time. Hey, Owen, what are you, made of molasses?! Get the frickin' lead out, dude. Anyway, he'll have plenty of time back at the drawing board, now that he has been eLAYMANated!!

HALL OF SHAME
WEEK FOUR:
Marcus the Cowardly Christian's The Long and the Short of It
Digio's As Mayor of This Town
Darlene's Ollie Hearts Crickets

WEEK THREE:
The Rude Pundit
Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap
WEEK TWO:
Scott Robin's All Ages
Brian Perez's Logic and Nausea
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I admit I suck

Sorry for the lack of posts. Another video game gig dropped in my lap over the weekend. I finished it, but I'm way behind on my other commitments.

I need to get my shit togther, probably not major blogging for the next couple of days.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Layman Lego Project

My oldest set, as far as I know, from 1973.

73.460 rescue units

The tribe has spoken


eLAYMANATED IN WEEK FOUR:


Crazy Marcus'
The Long and the Short of It,

Digio's
As Mayor of This Town


Darlene'sOllie Hearts Crickets


See you next week.

Friday, May 06, 2005

EMERGENCY LAYMAMERICAN IDOL CRISIS



We're currently waiting for Darlene to cast her perhaps deciding vote for the final eLAYMANation of week. The way things stand, there are two votes for Ollie and two for Marcus, meaning both of their sorry asses gets the boot. Diego has a half-vote, meaning Darlene, the final vote, holds his fate in her hands. Or she can simply cast a meaningless half-vote for somebody else and Diego stays. What will she do?

In the meantime, Laymamerican Idol has been ROCKED by a revelation from Hannibal Tabu. As you know, at Laymamerican Idol, we pride ourselves on accuracy and precision, and there is nothing in the world more important to us. Imagine our shock and dismay when Hannibal corrected us, saying his blog "The Operative Net," is indeed not called "The Operative Net" at all. "The Operative Net," is simply the name of his website, and the blog's name is "Soapdish."





Hannibal, who writes about films in a column at CRB called The Real to Real Comic Rap, clearly must be infatuated with Sally Field, to so lovingly name his blog after her 1991 comedy masterpiece of the same name. Here's what the Internet Movie Database has to say about "Soapdish:" "Celeste Talbert has been the queen of the soaps for over two decades. Montana Moorehead needs to get her out of her way before she can move on and begins her program to get her to leave. She hires an old boyfriend of Celeste to be on the show and has Celeste become a murderer in the script, but each attempt has unforseen consequences."

Glad I could clear that up. Thanks for the correction, Hannibal.

Anyway, here's a picture of the happy couple. Yes, Sally, Hannibal really, reeeaally likes you.












Disclaimer: I fully expect to someday be murdered for this post.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK FOUR IMMUNITY CHALLENGE RESULTS


WEEK FOUR IMMUNITY CHALLENGE RESULTS


Last week the gaunlet was thrown down with an immunity challenge, stating that anybody who successfully performed an IRON PHOTOSHOP challenge would be immune from eLAYMANation. However, what we did not tell you is that this is actually a reward as well. Every participant gets a half-vote against another competitor. That is, if two immune contestants vote for the same person on the chopping block, their ass is grass. Anyway, here is the contest, and the contenders.

LAST WEEK'S IRON PHOTOSHOP INGREDIENT:
Baby DeSantis


Eric DeSantis' entry:


Information Overlord's entry:


David Baron's entry:


Neal Pozner's entry:


Darlene A's entry (Burning Kitchen blog only):
The dingo ate my baby

And Tom B Long, who isn't even in the competition, but who frequents this board with profane responses, offered this:




So... this means everybody who is immune has a day to vote (in the comments section below), and I'll tally the responses tomorrrow. Please judge people on the chopping block by the content of their blogs in the past week, or boot them if you think they are a threat, or if you simply don't like them.

IMMUNE (and elegible to vote:)
ERIC D.
DAVID B.
NEAL P.
INFORMATION O.
DARLENE A.
and TOM B. (for participating)

ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK:
Maki Yamane's Trauma Queen

John Oak Dalton

Hannibal Tabu's The Operative Net

Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live.

Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs

Crazy Marcus' The Long and the Short of It,

Digio's As Mayor of This Town

James Nadiger's I Blame the Internets

Ollie Hearts Crickets


Happy voting, suckahs!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

ON SALE TODAY

The Thundercats: Enemy's Pride Trade Paperback, the second Layman-written Thundercats mini-series.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

A Persistant REGGIEtated State



He's a cute little guy!