Friday, December 31, 2004

Layman movie review: BIO ZOMBIE

Yeah, I enjoyed this one. Actually enjoyed the hell out of it. A Hong Kong zombie movie clearly made by people who had seen their share of American zombie movies. And there were points where you'd swear it actually was an American zombie movie, until the lead characters did or said something really (at least to Americans) goofy and incomprehensible. It takes place in a mall, and two mallrat lowlifes have to defend against zombies while trying to score chicks. Nothing groundbreaking, but thoroughly enjoyable. The sidekick character I had recently seen in an Asian Gangster flick called "Young and Dangerous, the Prequel." (That movie was pretty good, too, though, and I guess this is a series of movies, but stupid Netflix only has like parts 4 and 6, or something like that.)

Anyway, BioZombie was cooler than its title might lead you to believe. Translation and English voice overs were above average, too.

And kudos on the ending, which I thought was bleak even by horror movie standards.

Layman movie review: THE INTERMINABLE

Actually, it's called, THE TERMINAL, and I have no freakin' idea how it ended up on our Netflix (I secretly suspect my wife is a big cheeseball.) Anyway, it's Steven Speilberg's latest slice of syrup, starring Tom Hanks as a goofy-ass foreigner stuck in an airport--kinda like anyone who saw it got stuck in the theater.

Listen, the sad fact is, at 37 years of age, I am pushing 40, and I am middle aged. So, I'm wondering, who the HELL is this movie marketed toward. Not me, surely, and not anybody any younger. Maybe really old folks (see forthcoming review of SECONDHAND LIONS, which has officially spawned a new genre of non-sexual "geriatric porn.") The Terminal just sorta ambled along, with everything obvious from a mile away. Nothing extremily challenging for the viewer, everything cute and painfully pleasant. There is absolutely no chemistry between Katherine Zeto Jones and Tom Hanks, and the idea that a flight attendant who looks anything like that would even give a goofy-ass foreigner like Tom Hanks the time of day is ludicrous. (She reads books on Napoleon in her spare time, which is even more ridiculous.)

Anyway, this movie is pure fluff, and it's actually so bad Kim and I could not stop watching it, groaning and bitching.

One other thing. It was PG-13, though there was ANYthing we could remotely see to merit that. Stanley Tucci yells "Goddamit" at the end, but there was no other cussing I could recall. Or nudity or drug use or anything else. Could it be movies are now being rated in consideration of how fucking BORING they are, with the realization that nobody under 13 could see this movie without being bored out of their ever-lovin' mind?

So... my recommendation; RENT IT, only if you enjoy grousing at your TV screen (which I do)

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Layman Pimpage: Gambit #5

Gambit #5 came out yesterday. Guest starring Wolverine, obviously. I'll post some reviews once they hit. I suspect they will be good, because this personally is my favorite issue so far... but you never know with these idiots on the internets.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Sad, sad, sad

R.I.P. Lenny.

Jerry Orbach dead at 69 of prostate cancer.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

The unholy trio

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
The three elder kitties contemplate how they have fallen out of favor, and wonder why REGGIE™ is now everybody's favorite LaymanKitty™.

Entering 2005... this blog STILL gathers no moss

You'll notice some changes to the links section today, with the threat of more changes to come.

In our continuing effort to provide you with the very best in "internets entertainment," we are are getting rid of the dead weight, commending those few who deserve it, and in our benevolence, giving some undeserving few a second chance.

THE GOOD: First off, big props to SUPERFRANKENSTEIN, FANBOY RAMPAGE , FARK and GELAMOTTI, for being consistently updated and entertaining. You have secured a place in my heart, and on this blog's links section. Your position is secure. TODAY IN IRAQ is not necessarily entertaining, but I urge everybody to follow it to get an idea of the depressing reality of this monstrous war our douchebag president has gotten us into.

THE BAD: I'm dumping the FROM BRICKS TO BOTHANS site from my links. They don't put "leaked" information about Lego sets on their site, and unless Lego Corp signs off, the aren't allowed to talk about new sets. I think THIS web site has proved to be a better web site when it comes to providing coverage, so I'm dumping your sorry ass.
You get the ax!!

THE UGLY: SAVAGE CRITIC , INFORMATION OVERLOAD and LOGIC AND NAUSEA are all hereby warned; get your shit together. You are not updating enough, and dangerously close to be axed from this web site. All of you are sadly underperforming when it comes to updating and entertaining me. SAVAGE CRITIC isn't doing nearly enough savaging, and have just been posting stupid lists lately.

Start critisizing, SAVAGE CRITIC ... Or risk the ax!

LOGIC AND NAUSEA, run by my arch-enemy Brian Perez, is filled with putrid prose. Update more, and make the shit rhyme, dude... Or risk the ax!

INFORMATION OVERLOAD is going on warning as well. As some of you may know, this blog is operated by my obnoxious "roommate," who I just happened to also be married to. Some background information: My sweet kitty cat Bumble Buzz LOVES to chew on ribbon, so during the Christmas season I had to be extra vigilant making sure no presents had ribbon. A horrible thing happened last year, beyond the fact that Bumble Buzz nearly chokes every time she goes for ribbon. (SPOILER WARNINGS APPLY:) She actually swallowed a bunch of ribbon, and some time later she had ribbon hanging out of her butt. It got cat shit all over my carpet, but the worst part of it was when I had to PULL the crap-covered ribbon out of Bumble Buzz's butt, which obviously hurt like hell for this poor sweet kitty. It bled a lot too, and was one of the grossest thing I have ever seen.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD: stop leaving Christmas ribbon on the ground from Bumble Buzz to choke on or get stuck in her butt... Or risk the ax!

Monday, December 27, 2004


I guess this is supposed to evoke the x-wing. YAWN.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

You know, even I'm getting tired of posting this crap... gotta be getting tired of reading it.

I'm don't even plan on buying this stuff, but I like Legos a lot, and seeing this stuff still gets me kinda excited. When I was a kid my two favorite things were Star Wars and Legos, and it wasn't until 1997 or so that the two got together. I've bought most of the Lego Star Wars stuff there is to buy, at least, all the "system scale" stuff, the sets that fit the cute little minifigure guys. That is, I bought everythign up until Episode I, and I even I bought a bunch of the Episode I sets too, before I even saw the movie and released how screwed I was cause the movie sucked so bad. So I've stopped buying sets, except for the "classic trilogy," but I still think it is cool when Lego unveils the sets for the coming year. All this stuff you see here this past week is for the Episode III movie, and the toys won't debut until spring-ish. Word is there is going to be two sets from the original trilogy, and all Lego has been doing lately is doing "redesigns" of previously released stuff. I've stopped buying those, unless they are really standout.

Anyway, here's another set. Wookies vs. droids.

Oh, by the way, I got a call yesterday from my stupid friend JP who LOOOOOVES George Lucas almost as much as another stupid friend named Nate LOOOOOOOVES George Bush. Stupid JP says that Fat-Ass Lucas is going and reworking the movies AGAIN to rerelease them for the "one last time." Man, how many time is that bastard going to take our money for the same tired shit? Why not spend the millions he has spent navel gazing hiring a decent script writer for Episode III?

A very Rufus Christmas

Check out lazy Rufus™ in in-action here.

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

X-mas Goodwill toward man...and kitties!

Check out Batty™ and Reggie™ in action here.

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

It's a very Reggie Christmas

Check out Reggie™ in action here.

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

It's a very Batty Christmas

Check out Batty™ in action here.

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Here's the set where Annikin gets crispy-crittered

(Don't forget to click on my Christmas Quicktime movie. I worked hard on it, for your ungrateful, lazy ass.)

I have no idea what the "try me" feature is. Lego seems to be favoring pieces that light-up this year, so maybe it's something like that.

Friday, December 24, 2004

a very Quicktime Christmas

My Christmas Present to You!

Jedi Starfighter vs. "Vulture" Droid

Now how the hell do they "vultures" in the Star Wars Universe? You know, I've got lots of bitches about the Star Wars movies, particularly the hairbrained sequels. But do you know what my absolute ultimate complaint is?

There is a point in Episode II where Obi Won turns to Annakin (or vice versa) and says “we’re going to be sitting ducks if we stay here.” How the hell would anybody in the Star Wars Universe know what a DUCK is? At least in the first trilogy, Lucas had enough energy to write stuff like “he looks strong enough to wrestle a gundark” and crap like that. Now imagine the Star Wars Universe, populated by all manner of creatures and aliens; wookees, jawas, ewoks, banthas, rancors, gundarks, wampas, taun tauns, tusken raiders, gungans, dewbacks, saarlacs –and freakin’ DUCKS!

And now, apparently, vultures. Sigh.

Anyway, here's one of the bigger sets. I presume the Wookie Catamaran will be up tomorrow for X-mas

Note: I deleted the picture, 'cause Chris Hunter pointed out it was screwing up the blog on internet explorer. Thanks, Chris!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Not sure what this is proof of

This set is kinda weird, so I'm going to treat it like it is less than divine.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Hi everybody. Layman here. I’m a little doped up from the pain medication, and doctors, nurses and random passersby poking and prodding, but I figured this was so monumentally important that I blog this information to you.

Normally, I would never recommend a movie I have not seen. Not only that, I have to admit I’m a little ticked off that I haven’t received a check or any other sort of financial compensation for this. However, when you’re facing down death, as I am, it’s time to put that sort of pettiness aside. There’s a movie out right now that I think you should see. In fact, from the title alone, it sounds like a movie that EVERYBODY should see.

I’m not sure how accurate it is, but from the title I’m guessing it is at least semi-biographical, documenting that period when a very less discriminating, but no less sexually ripe, J.S. Layman, Esquire, had a sequence of liaisons and dalliances with the homeless, bag ladies, and multiple amputees.


Catch it this today at a multiplex near you. See it with somebody you love!


(Oh, and for the record, I have no idea what a “Snicket” is. I’m guessing it is some sort of euphemism for my—oh, gottta go, the nurse is here, and it looks like she wants to… uh, take my temperature.)

Friday, December 17, 2004



In this surprise development, coinciding with this blog’s precipitous ratings decline, Layman has returned to the hospital, struck down by an infection attributed to “latent horse saliva” attacking his bloodstream. Layman’s condition is described as grave.

We will monitor and update you to Layman’s bleak condition, as the poor man continues to suffer for your sad, sick, sadistic amusement.

Damp… damp with tears,
“Damp” Pete

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


I feel another horse bite coming on!!


Another miraculous vision... or a terrifying glimpse of the future?!?!?!?!?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


Word of the miracle continues to spread, as young virgins everywhere are claiming to have visions of The Mighty One (generally outside their bedroom window, late after dark.)

Me, I found this miraculous vision as I was making Mister Layman his breakfast. How much do you think I'd get for it on Ebay?

Monday, December 13, 2004


Already, people are massing to praise of the return of their beloved hero.

Saturday, December 11, 2004



This weekend Layman defied expectations and and expert diagonoses, waking to what is being called a "miraculous recovery." Declaring "John Layman is one hearty mother-effer," Doctor Diego Dairyboo gave Layman a clean bill of health, pronounced him fully recovered, in good shape and good spirits despite his massively overflowing bedpan!

Upon awakening and risening, Layman first request was for a lozenge and some hot tea, before he was immediately besieged by hospital staff, "Where does it hurt, Mister Layman?" the hoard of doctors axed urgently. "How do you feel, Mister Layman?"

Explained Layman, "I'm a little hoarse."

Blindsided by irony,
"Soggy" Pete

Thursday, December 09, 2004


Supporters continue their long vigil, vowing do stand by Layman until he either recovers or dies.

"I hope something happens soon," one fan remarked. "This shit is getting kinda old."

"Soggy" Pete

Wednesday, December 08, 2004



In a stunning and disturbing development, the horse that has already caused so much anguish continues to threaten the still-recovering Layman.

In a contentious early-morning press conference, the horse vowed to ignore the restraining order, and persist in his pattern of harassment and abuse against Layman. After a brief statement was read by his lawyer, the horse could only offer a single-word response to a barrage of questions by an increasingly hostile press.

"Won't you leave Mister Layman alone?"
"Have you no shame?"
"Do you regret the tremendous amount of suffering your action has caused to Layman and his legion of fans across the globe?"

Answered the horse: "Nay."

Yours in mutual outrage,
"Soggy" Pete

Tuesday, December 07, 2004



A good news/bad news sort of day as Layman awoke today and announced that he has forgiven the horse responsible for this terrible tragedy. "Life is too short to waste on this sort of hate," Layman magnanimously declared, "I'm going to concentrate on healing, both spiritual and physical, and to do this I must first forgive the horse, then open my heart to LOVE the horse." There was not a dry eye in the entire wing of the hospital.

However, the day was not without its setback. Doctors noticed Layman had a pronounced slur in his speech, and worried he might have brain damage from the fall he took as a result of his injury. After extensive MRI tests, it was determined that Layman indeed does have brain damage, but it is a result of watching THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK prior to his injury. The movie was SO fucking dumb that you could actually hear Layman's IQ dropping in freefall as he watched it. Not only that, the movie was so mindnumbingly ill-concieved, poorly excecuted, and just generally stupid-ass, that it also rendered the DVD player that showed the movie retarded. Despite Layman's previous message of forgiveness, it is generally agreed that anybody who likes this movie should be taken out and beaten to death with a Five Iron.

Inspired by love,
"Soggy" Pete

Monday, December 06, 2004


Hundreds of devotees of the Layman brave the Pacific Northwest rain and cold to show their support for their beloved friend in his time of great crisis.

Where the hell were YOU?

On the scene,
"Soggy" Pete

Sunday, December 05, 2004


Whew! After ten touch-and-go hours on the operating table, doctors are saying they are "cautiously optimistic" about Layman's chances of survival. "I've never seen anyone with as pure a fighting spirit as John Layman," exclaimed chief surgeon, Dr. Diego DairyBoo. "This kid has real moxie."

Already, a line of (naughty) nurses have formed outside his recovery room, in anticipation of when the Mighty One awakes. Area florists have reported a 38% uptick in business, as well-wishers already have Mr. Layman's room overflowing with bouquets and tasteful gift arrangements.

I will continue to maintain my 24-hour vigil at Layman's bedside. Slipping in and out of consciousness, he awoke only once. Layman grasped my hand, and looked deeply into my eyes,. "U-u-update my blog, 'Soggy' Pete," Layman rasped, magnificent even in his injured state. "Do it for the homiez."

"Soggy" Pete

Saturday, December 04, 2004



First off, my name is "Soggy" Pete Pintoberfer, and I'll be filling in for the esteemed Mr. Layman, at least temporarily, until he recovers--assuming he DOES recover. For the last five years it has been my priviledge to work for Mr. Layman, opening his fan mail, reading his fan mail, and sorting through the form-letter fan mail responses. I am also his personal food taster, I proveread his scripps, transcribe his interviews, arrange Clinton-esque daliences for Layman and a series of nubile interns, and sometimes, when Mr. Layman is feeling particularly generous, he allows me to feed and care for his beloved kitty cats (Bumble Buzz is my favorite--she is so sweet and cute.)

But alas, a terrible accident has struck down Mr. Layman, and at this very moment he lies on an operating table, hovering between life and death, being tending to by a crack team of surgeons. Of course, witnesses say it was no accident, that that rampaging horse attacked Mr. Layman on purpose, and that terrible bite the creature exacted on this saintlike man might even have been premediated.

I will update you to Layman's prognosis, and give you alerts as to his recovery--assuming he DOES recover! In the meantime, your cards, flowers, balloons, chocolates and generous monetary donations are most appreciated, as are your thoughts and prayers. I urge you all to stay strong in this dark, dire hour.

Yours truly,
"Soggy" Pete

Taking a moment to thank you, you and you

Well, this blog has been up for more than a month now, and it's succeeded beyond everybody's wildest expectations. In thirty short days I have made hundreds of friends, and recieved tens of thousands of unique hits. It has won multiple awards for its design and content, and has easily become the internet's hippest destination. And as much as a different sort of person might sit back and take all the credit for it, (like that vile Brian Perez ,) the truth is, I owe it all to YOU, dear reader. YOU are the backbone of this blog, and you have my thanks, and my praise. You belong to the greatest generation, and I love and adore you, one and al--

This message could not be completed.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

This blog gathers no moss

Keen Bollah Fools will notice I've updated the links section to this blog.

First off, I've added the excellent and eye-opening Today in Iraq blog, which I freely admitted to discovering and poaching from my friend Tom Peyer's Superfrankenstein blog. I WAS going to try to avoid my venomous political rants in this blog, but I was IMing with a Gambit fan, and I made some throwaway comment about the latest outrage our idiotic president has committed, regarding our disasterous invasion of Iraq. The fan remarked, "Oh, is the war still going? I heard it was over." I was dumbfounded by this shocking ignorance, especially in light of how many people are dying daily over there, until I visited my red-state in-laws over Thanksgiving, and saw how little attention their shit-rag newspaper paid to international current events. I still maintain that Bush would not have won if people paid any attention the monstrous stuff going on over there, so this is a good web-site to check out if you want to be slapped in the face with a hard dose of reality.

I'm also added the altogether asinine blog of my associate Brian Perez , entitled Logic and Nausea (which is only half right.) I say associate rather than friend because Brian is no friend of mine. He is my arch nemesis, the scheming Moriarty to my brilliance, the treacherous Iago to the regalness that is Layman, the Kryptonite to my innate superiority, and the nefarious Voldemort to the magic that is me. I have known this miserable bastard for more than 20 years, and on a cold January day in 1983 I made the mistake of loaning this wretching individual a considerable amount of money. Since then, all I've gotten out of him are excuses, lies, more lies, and damn lies. I invite you to his blog to feed him my hate. The only reason I visit his blog is to keep a death watch on this vile individual, so at the nanosecond of his hopefully painful demise I can be first in line at the Fed Ex to Overnight Express a case of Viagra to Satan for exclusive use on this despicable so-called man.

I've also removed the blog site of my friend Troy , who started a blog a couple of weeks ago, posted twice, and then let it gather cobwebs ever since. Maybe I'll add it back when Troy gets his shit together, but I recognize how much Layman-philes demand entertainment, so in the interest of keeping things "fresh" this internet eyesoar must be purged!

Only in Seattle, dude

So earlier in the week I noticed on the side of Highway 99 (otherwise known as Aurora Ave.) somebody placed an old TV on the curb of the highway. The screen of the TV says "LIES" in white paint. I'll try to get a picture of it an post it.

A few days later in the week and it was still there, nobody messing with it or trying to take the TV. This is the sort of shit I love about Seattle, and what separates it from the vast, idiotic, cultural wasteland that was San Diego.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Coming this Spring

From IDW

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Reginald James Poggles

Reginald James Poggles
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
Bumble Buzz looks on in the distance, marveling at what a big, furry dope Reggie is.

That little barstard!!

Reginald James Poggles II

Reggie ReDucks
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
What's this? Does your one good eye deceive you? Nay, my young friend. This was no error. I posted this twice because little Reggie is DOUBLE TROUBLE!!!!!

That little barstard!!

Layman Movie Review: Magnolia

My friend Linda Lee bought this for either Kim or myself a Christmas or two back. It was one of those DVDs I didn't mind having, though I guess obviously I didn't want to watch it too bad. I mean, I saw it once in the theater, and walked out thinking well of it, even if it was damn long. Rewatching it, it's easy to see how somebody could get sucked into it. It's got a great beginning, and Ricky Jay has probably the all-time greatest narrator voice in history. On second viewing, the movie seemed just as long (some movies breeze by with repeat viewings, but not this one.) Julianne Moore, in particular, is a huge fucking drag every nanosecond she is on screen, even though I suppose her character is supposed to be. (I feel the same about her in Big Lebowski, and yet I don't hate her like I hate certain other movie stars.) And poor Tom Cruise, he wants so badly to be respected as an actor, but he just can't get away from that frat-boy pretty boy prick persona. Yeah, I know he embraces it for this movie, but in the end, it simply feels like Tom Cruise, once again, Trying Too Hard.

There's some other things in the movie that seem to make less sense on repeat viewing. The beginning suggests this is a story about synchronisty and fantastic coindidence, but I don't think it ties together all that well in bringing the storyline together. It has a lot of characters who are similar to one another, just existing in different places in time, or making different decisions, but so what? The movie does a better job with themes, and clearly the theme is forgiveness of others, and yourself. The rain of frogs was cool, but it did't really unify anything. Maybe there's a directors cut, with even more shit to tie this tapestry of characters together, but I'm not sitting breathlessly around waiting for it to show up.

Oh well. I'm lukewarm to this DVD. I probably won't sell it, at least, not until I need the space on my DVD cabinet, and that's a long ways off. ...but then again, I probably won't rush to rewatch this movie at anytime soon.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Twin terrors

twin terrors
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
Rufus and Batty look up at their master with pure adulation.

Can you blame them?

Friday, November 26, 2004

Day after Thanksgiving

and I'm a bit hung over.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I'm flying to Arizona for Thanksgiving

Why do people always say "be safe" on holidays? Is that code for "don't drink and drive," or shorthand for "have a safe flight?" "Have a safe flight" is the one that really gets to me. That's pretty much up to the pilot, right? I'm not gonna sneak any guns or bombs on board, if that's what your saying, but once I'm onboard the plane, my fate is pretty much out of my hands. I think anybody who says "have a safe flight" should get punched in the mouth. I'm gonna start saying, "tell your PILOT to have a safe flight" just to spite everybody.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004


So a bunch of hunters get killed in Wisconsin. Instead of mass murder, why not simply report this as a massive case of irony. 6 people went out to mindlessly kill and ended up being mindlessly killed. WHOOPS. Anyway, I'm not a huge Second Amendment supporter, and I'm not crying any tears over a bunch of dead gun nuts.

Still, isn't anybody sick of the news story that accompanies EVERY SINGLE case of mass murder? There is always an interview with the family who sticks by the killer, and talks about, "oh, we were so surprised. He was such a good person."

Fair warning, no matter how well I know you; if a reporter ever asks me anyting about you, no matter what you did, even if it was just jaywalking, I'm gonna say, "that guy was a psycho and a loose cannon with a hair trigger. Everybody knew that it was just a matter of time before this evil nutbag went apeshit. Somebody should have put this jerk out of his misery a looooong time ago."

Now THAT would be a news story.

Greetings from San Andreas

HOLY SHIT THIS GAME IS FUN!!!! If you game me a choice between every single video game in the entire world, on every single console.... OR Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, I would pick GTA. Today I beat today people on the streets of Las Vegas to death with a giant purple dildo, parachuted off Vegas' tallest skyscraper, stole a jet pack from a military base, stowed away on a jet (on my motorcycle) and then blew it up. I killed the dirty cop played by Chris Penn and did missions for James Woods and Peter Fonda. Best of all, I visited Liberty City, the city where the original GTA3 was set, and whacked an entire mob family.

This game is the best.

Still, I am looking forward to returning to Los Santos... so I can cap me some Bollah Fools!

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Layman Pimpage: Gambit #4

My buddy James N. suggested I mention on my blog whenever a new comic book of mine comes out, and damed if that wasn't a good idea. This past Wednesday saw the release of Gambit #4, as well as the second Marvel Age Fantastic Four TPB, in which I have two stories.

Anyway, reviews of Gambit #4 are pretty good.

Here's one of my favorite, by Hannibal Tabu, who usually gives me the impression his head explodes after reading a Layman written comic: Gambit #4 (Marvel):
I am shocked to tell you this issue was good. Not "good for Gambit." Not even "good for an X-book." I mean plain good, with none of the playing around and half-hearted steps towards adequacy of earlier issues. Remy losing his luck in the Big Easy is the plot, and it's done very well, with some great and funny moments tossed it (playing cards amidst a field of battered costumed characters, a sign begging for Lear jet gas). I loved the hot dog cart bit, which was so crafty. If I liked, or was indifferent to Gambit, I'd have bought it. But since I actively dislike him, I did not.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestion, James. Give yourself a cookie!

GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out I've been promoted to Colonel!

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Layman Movie Review: The Matrix

I had this on while I build my new Lego Millenium Falcon. I haven't watched this movie since the third Matrix movie came out last year, and I wanted to see how it held up. Sadly, it's not quite what it once was. I've long maintained that the Matrix, released in 1999, was the "first movie of the 21st Century," but after 5 years the effects don't seem quite as mind-blowing and knowing that all the spiritual hokem leads in the follow-up movies to exactly jack-squat, it diminishes this movie. Still, even though I'm convinced the Watchowski Brothers* pulled the second two movies out of their ass, there are some moments in the first movie which resonate a little, know what happens in the next two. From the very begining some futuristic computer smack-head called Keenua "his own personal Jesus," which ties into Neo ending up as a Christ-figure in the third movie.

I'll probably suffer through the second Matrix movie and then the Anaimatrix, and then sell them, keeping online the first movie and pretending it stands alone. Still, if I wanted to watch the Matrix, I oughta just pop in Dark City. It's the same freakin' movie! Only Dark City is a lot less pretentious and spooky and visually interesting. My interest in Dark City over the years has only grown, while Matrix has diminished. Also, the fight scenes that seems so amazing in Matrix have been supplantd by Crouching Tiger and this hong kong fightin'-chick action flick So Close, which I absolutely LOVE.

*I heard one of the Watchowski's got a sex change operation. Does that mean we should now call them "The Watchowski Siblings?"

Layman Movie Review: American Pie III: American Wedding

Haven't blogged for a couple days, as this movie left me almost terminally nauseated. It was one of those Netflix movies I KNEW would be bad, but I rented it just to see how bad. It is was fucking MISERABLE, insulting and unfunny from beginning to end, with whatever few jokes there were were obvious from about a mile away. It was utterly charmless, and crude and mean spirited, after about the first five minutes I ended up fast forwarding through the entire thing, even the scene with the naked, big-boobed strippers. And when a straight guy is fast-forwarding through naked stripper scenes, you know a movie has to be bad. Oh, and the guy from Dude, Where's My Car who plays Stiffler was so unlikable and offensive it made me wonder if that wasn't the way that jackass truly is.

I'd say it was a waste of my time, but considering how quickly I fast-forwarded through it, I shouldn't realy complain. If I would have seen this in a theater I suspect I would have choken on a popcorn kernel –on purpose– just to stop the agony of that pile-of-dog-crap movie.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The incredible, ever-changin' Layman

FYI: My AIM name has changed from themightylayman to mightylayman.

Go with God, my children.

Boy, don't you just hate NERDS?

I tell ya, there is NOTHING I hate more than nerds.

Oh, and on a completely different subject, here's a picture of just the Tatooine section of the Star Wars Lego diarama which occupies an entire room of my house.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Take the John Layman coolness test

I got this idea after talking to B. Clay Moore, the day I lost all respect for him. Diligently returning to this blog, like all good Laym-o-philes, the delusional Clay pointed out to me that he actually liked the Beatles, and then referred me to a link on his forum at the Image site, where he has his top favorite albums. His taste was horrible. He might as well have listed 20 Beatles albums, for the damage he did to my psyche.

This weekend, as my wife and I traveled to Cana-duh, we put together our own list of favorite albums, and albums that might have been especially important to or influencial on our lives. As I came up with the following list, I thought it would be a good way for you, the great unwashed masses, to tell how cool you are. Please note, I have only including one album per favorite band. You get one point for each album you possess, but if you don't have that album, but still one or more albums from that band, you may give yourself a half a point (so you only get a max half point, even if you have multiple albums, unless you have the album that I named.) The first three albums are worth two points, as they are my all-time favorites.

Layman's Top 20 Albums
1. THE CRAMPS "Stay Sick" (worth two points)
2. MR. BUNGLE "Mr. Bungle" (worth two points)
3. ALICE DONUT "The Untidy Suicides of Your Degenerate Children" (worth two points)

(note: all other albums are worth a single point, and in not in particular order of preference)
4. ICE-T "O.G."
6. PIXIES* "Dolittle" (*allow yourself a half point PER Frank Black solo album as a bonus.)
7. PUBLIC ENEMY "It Takes a Nation of Millions"
8. RANCID "And Out Come the Wolves"
9. THE THE "Dusk"
10. THE CLASH "1977"
11. FAITH NO MORE "Angel Dust"
12. LOVAGE "Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By"
13. URSULA 1000 "Kinda Kinky"
14. RAMONES "Brain Drain"
15. PRIMUS "Frizzle Fry"
16. TOM WAITS "Big Time"
17. SEX PISTOLS "Never Mind the Bullocks"
18. WHITE ZOMBIE ... uh, I forget the name of the album. One point (max) awarded to any (and all) White Zombie Albums
19. CYPRESS HILL "Black Sunday"
20. THE CULT "The Cult."

OKAY... tally your results. Scoring is as followed.
0-1: You are the lowest form of humanity on the face of the Earth. You are pure scum. Go hang your head in shame, you miserable dunderhead.
2-6: Still not much hope for you. I bet your DVD collection is lame as hell, too.
7-10: You are starting to approach cool, though you still have miles and miles to go. Likely, whatever little coolness you have will be recognized posthumously.
11-14: You are cool, but still wearing training wheels.
15-16: You are dope, approaching fly.
17: This is an abberation. You're STILL an asshole. Either get rid of one of your albums, or buy another one, quick!
18-20: You are fit to stand in the presence of Layman.
21-23: Truly, you are a rock god, and a man among men.

The eternal battle continues

fightin' fools
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
Ol' Reggie just will just NOT learn.

Don't mess with The Bat!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Poppin' Bustahs since 1967

Today is my birthday. I've have been treated to a surprise trip to Cana-duh.

Other presents included the Hoth edition of the Lego Millenium Falcon and the complete book of New Yorker cartoos. Am I the only person who thinks New Yorker cartoons are laugh-out-loud funny?

Still, God has a way of keeping you humble, even on this momentus day. The first thing that happened to me after I woke up: Reggie BIT me! Little bastard!

Friday, November 12, 2004

Justice, Layman stylee

So, Scott Peterson was found guilty. I'm amazed, given how stupid most people are. Seems to me that all you need is one stupid person on a jury, and stupid people aren't exactly in short supply. I mean, all defense attorneys do is lie. They could say, "well, a martian could have come down on the night in question and killed Laci." And while that technically could have happened, no reasonable person would think it did. But there are far too many idiots out there willing to believe defense attorney lies. No matter how preposterous they are.

For the record, I don't believe in "beyond a reasonable doubt." I believe if "is it likely?" In fact, even if Scott Peterson is innocent, I think he should fry just for being a lying ass who appeared to be guilty. The guy is scum. He doesn't deserve to live.

Other Layman legal opinions: O.J. was TOTALLY guilty, and Rodney King DESERVED to get beat.

Layman will rock you

Your marching orders for the day:

1. Go to
2. Go to "Music"
3. Go to the album "Buckets of Sickness and Horror in an Otherwise Meaningless Life"
4. Turn up your volume FULL FREAKIN' BLAST!!!!!!
5. And then press the tenth song; "Bucket Fork Pock" (Actually, press the grey square to the right of the song title)

Congratulations, puss. You've just taken the first step in learning how to ROCK, Layman stylee.

Bollah fools... or ballzah fluff?

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
Reggie vs. Batty... U decide!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

What is a Bollah fool?

A bolla fool is the whack-ass niggaz what been pimping yay to the homies on Grove St. My advice is to peel a cap in any bollah fool you see--or any other bustah!

Not on my iPod

Here's another band you won't find on my iPod: Radiohead.

I know that everybody thinks they are so great. They are even supposed to be comic writer Alan Moore's favorite band. But every song of theirs I've heard I actively dislike. Kim says they are "Pink Floyd for the 21st Century," but I think not. This morning a song was on the radio, and I swear to God I thought it was U2, so of course I projectile vomited. Later, I found out it was Radiohead, which was just as bad. Bleggggh.

I love my iPod

Music that makes me happiest when it shows up on shuffle: Ice T.

Right now I got 1873 songs and still have 11 gigs of space left. Still, I wish wish wish I would have bought the 40 gig, then I'd be set for life.

And guess what? Out of 1873 songs, not a single one is by the Beatles. I HATE the Beatles.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Layman Movie Review: City of God

Netflixed City of God last night. I had a few people tell me how great the movie was, but I forget who. Sorta a mob story set in the Brazilian slums. Really captivating, from start to finish. Kim liked it too, and she hates everything.

Also watched Law and Order SUV last night. I always like it when there is some evil little kid who gets away with murder. Only this time, he didn't because Kyle McLaughlin killed the little bastard. Man, Kyle sure has aged since I last saw him on Sex and the City. He's starting to look like "Aged Agent Cooper" from the red room in those dream sequences of Twin Peaks. Another case of life imitating art!

In the interest of fairness

Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
Here are pictures of the other two kitties that live in my house; Bumble Buzz and Batty

Reggie and Rufus

Reggie and Rufus
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.
Kitty pictures. First in a series of, oh... A BILLION!

Wecome to the Jungle, pt. 2

I think the last thing the world needs is another idiot blogger, but nonetheless I'm going to join their ranks. Mostly, I'm just gonna use this as a platform to talk about my cats, what movies I've been seeing, what shows I'm watching, news and politics, music, stuff like that. I might mention a comic book I'm excited about, but probably won't diss crappy comic books, because A.) There are far too many crappy comics out there and B.) I'd likely be dissing either a friend or a company I would like to work for.

Anyway, my current game is Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. My man Carl Johnson is trying to nail the drug dealers that set up his brother and is in San Fierro, which is basically San Francisco. I'm betting it will be a good two weeks before I make it to the third city, which is basically Vegas.

Oh, and I Netflixed The Ladykillers last week, and enjoyed the hell out of it. Much better a movie than I would have thought from the reviews. Still, I wonder if it will be increasingly funny with repeat viewings, like Big Lebowski

Welcome to the Jungle

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