Thursday, May 19, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK SIX RESULTS



WEEK SIX WINNER: TWO TIME WINNER JAMES NADIGER


Holy crap. I remember just a couple weeks ago when that idiot James Nadiger was going on about liking the band U2 and between projectile vomiting I was just itching to give him the boot. But than he went and kicked ass, and surprised everybody with a win. Only, it turns out that last week was just the warm-up. Not only did James' I Blame the Internets blog win, but he MOPPED THE FLOOR with you candy-ass bitches. He posted, like, a billion times and had cute kitty pictures and his wacky-ass internet personality quizzes. The "Alternate ending" to Empire Strikes Back was great and his Star Wars Princess Leia dog thingie, and a bunch of movie and anime shit. Man, something for everybody, and I'm gonna go out on a limb here, as much as it pains me to do so, and announce James has supplanted David Baron as the new front-runner of this competition. Not that David's blog was bad, either, but James was so damn good he make David Baron look like Neal Pozner--and there is no fate on Earth worse than that.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 3-2



Hmm. My close pal David Baron and his My Zombies blog should have taken this, but for James' relentless devotion to this competition. James is pulling ahead, but Baron does not strike me as a man to knuckle under. Look for Baron to start playing dirty with the things he specializes at; skanky chicks, alcoholic binges and wild parties. James is Canadian-- there's no way he can compete against that!
Previous Odds: 2-1
New Odds: 4-1

A perfectly acceptable week from Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live. I dunno, though. I have no interest in seeing that dumb Nicole Kidman movie... no matter what anybody says. I like it when she talks about "Lost," though.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 6-1



As this competition heats up, it's beginning to get nasty, like two angry and ungrateful dogs biting the hand of their loving master. Both Eric DeSantis' Litany of Schist and Hannibal Tabu's Soapdish devote considerable time and energy to slandering your heroic narrator. I bet those fuckers would not turn on Paula Abdul, Simon Whazhizname or the black guy with the glasses who used to be fat before he got his stomach stapled. Anyway, they both survive a week, because I feed on hate and it makes me stronger, but their odds have diminished considerably.
Hannibal's Previous Odds: 8-1
Eric's Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: 10-1

Neal Pozner, owner of The Wind, really ought to be eLAYMANated this week, but he squeaks by purely on the sap factor, that it would be too cruel to boot his goofy ass after his heartfelt birthday wish to his dad (or, in Neal-speak, his "father.") Also, Neal has provided us perfect fodder for our next LAYMAMERICAN IDOL IRON PHOTOSHOP CHALLENGE. See that picture of Neal next to his father? You challenge is to Photoshop Neal next to other people he loves and/or admires. Two entries per contestant, please.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 12-1



John Oak Dalton wrote me last week recommending I Netflix his movie "Among Us" rather than "Razorteeth," fearing perhaps Razorteeth would be so horrendous it would merit him instant eLAYMANation. (Sorry I did not write you back, John... busy week.) Nonetheless, Razorteeth showed up in my mailbox, and I'm about 45 minutes into it, and it's horrendous. On the other hand, Episode III was just as bad, and that cost me $6 freakin' bucks. Plus, there is something inherrently charming about a movie whose entire special effects budget, as far as I can tell, consists of two plastic fish and a bucket of red food coloring.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 13-1



WEEK SIX LOSER#1: DARLENE ALILAIN's BURNING KITCHEN

WEEK SIX LOSER#2: INFORMATION OVERLORD


Darlene's Alilain's, Burning Kitchen finally gets the boot this week. She talks about moving in one blog posting. Listening to stories about moving is like hearing people describe their dreams. Nobody really give a shit except the person telling the story. She also commented on Frank Gorshin of the Batman TV series (which, believe it or not, I never watched) and Star Trek, which I am long past over. Anyway, her week wasn't BAD, per se, but competition is getting fierce, and two MUST go. S'long, sucker!

So... check this out. Information Overload, who just happens to be my roommate, is out of town for the week, at E3, which normally might be enough to get her a pass this week. And while she is gone, like I always do, I clean the house top to bottom and do all the laundry and fold her clothes and vaccuum and feed the stupid cats and change their stupid litter boxes, clean the kitchen top to bottom, etc., etc. She's gone for a week, right? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? So why did Information Overlord call me and the first thing she did was bitch me out for not giving her a good enough birthday present (TIVO and an expensive dinner) and she DEMANDED I get her another present. WTF!?!?!?!?!? She was also just generally argumentative and pugilistic, and as you know --or may just be finding out-- THIS SORT OF INSUBORDINATION WILL NOT STAND. Anyway, the Information Overload has been eLAYMANated. Be glad I'm also not changing the locks!!!

HALL OF SHAME
WEEK FIVE:
Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs
Maki Yamane's Trauma Queen
WEEK FOUR:
Marcus the Cowardly Christian's The Long and the Short of It
Digio's As Mayor of This Town
Darlene's Ollie Hearts Crickets
WEEK THREE:
The Rude Pundit
Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap
WEEK TWO:
Scott Robin's All Ages
Brian Perez's Logic and Nausea
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

3 comments:

N. J. Pozner said...

I could be a jerk and take that picture down. I hope you all saved it already! But no... go ahead and have your fun.

.just.a.ghost. said...

Sorry Neal, my picture is already posted to see...

N. J. Pozner said...

After seeing your photomanipulation, I deeply regret not taking my picture down earlier.