Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Layman in New York

I've off to New York, the Windy City, for NY Comic Con.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Lookit this bullshit!


I try to be a good person, do good deeds and help my fellow man. And what do I get for my efforts? My email in-box clogged with pictures of tactless people making vulgar gestures and sad alcoholics on maniacal drinking binges.

Oh, the humanity.


How'd they get the dogs to dance like that?

Friday, February 10, 2006

RIP Uncle Owen

Phil Brown, Uncle Owen from the original Star Wars Trilogy passed away. Word is he is already spinning in his grave over how bad the prequels were.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

On Sale Today: HOUSE OF M FANTASTIC FOUR (and Iron Man)

Credits list the writer as "John LayMEN"


Monday, February 06, 2006

Layman Kitty-Cat review: RUFUS

Well, I let you imbeciles vote, and you were actually right. Rufus is arguably my favorite cat (tied with Reggie.)

She is our third oldest, which my roommate got from Escondido in 2000. You may not be able to tell from the pictures, where she appears as just any ol' black cat, but Rufus is by far our cutest cat. And, judging by her behavior, she knows it, because she is a big ham. She is also our most talkative cat, and if she sees you, she will try to talk to you, and then plop in front of you and then run away if you try to pick her up. She meows like crazy whenever I am on the phone. She is totally clastrophobic, and likes affection on her own terms. That is, if you pick her up, she'll act like you are just about committing bloody murder to her, and then be perfectly fine as soon as you set her down. She is very particular about her food, and turns her nose up at about half of what we give her. Whenever she eats she makes a little clinking noise with her collar on the food dish.

Every time Rufus goes out side she eats grass until she pukes. EVERY damn time.

She is also our softest cat. Last year she got a hairball impacted in her intestines so we had to give her kitty laxitive.

Rufus loves to snuggle with Batty, and lay on hot clothes that are just out of the laundry. She also LOVES the smell of bleach, and if we ever wipe down a table or countertop with a bleached-based clean, she will roll around on it in estacy.

The Tribe has spoken

Sunday, February 05, 2006

No response from the Nigerians

I guess they got wise to my bullshit.

Well, at least now I know how to get revenge on spammers.

Friday, February 03, 2006

PART 5: I respond to Mustapha

From Layman:
Dear Mustapha,

I’m begin to think you are playing a cruel trick on me. In my initial letter from Hajia Mariam I was told that you had researched me on the internet to get my information. If that is the case, you must know, despite my extreme wealth, I am very lonely, and have been touched repeatedly by death and tragedy. I am still mourning the death of my son, as well as my grandson AUGUSTUS who died in a horrible accident during a game of “extreme marbles.” Therefore, it is in very poor taste of you to suggest a password such as “AUGUST,” as it calls to mind some very unpleasant memories of my sweet grandchild’s death.

If you are not playing a terrible prank on me, I would like to suggest a different password, something that has some more positive connotations with me. When I was a boy, I enjoyed both PEPPERMINT nickel hard candy and lollipops. I would like to change our personal password. When you pick up the phone, please say “PEPPERMINT” and I will respond by shouting “PEPPERMINT LOLLIPOP YUMMY YAY.” Then you will know it is me, and we will be free to conduct our business.

If these conditions are acceptable to you, please let me know and I will call you immediately. I would still very much like to help you, and my vast financial resources would allow me to supply you with assistance immediately and with ease.

Please allow me to help you, Mustapha,

With fond regards,
John Layman

PART 4: Nigerian email scam day 2: I feel like I am James Bond!

From Nigeria:
Dear John Layman,
I got this contact email address from my mum,Hajia
Mariam and she asked me to get across to you as
regards our transaction.She has told me that you are
in a position to help us carry out this transaction
and that you are willing to do so.I will intimate you
on the transaction as follows: The funds in question
is presently contained in 2 trunk boxes deposited with
a security company in Amsterdam,Netherlands but the
officials of the security company do not know the real
contents of the trunks.They feel that the trunks
contain personal effects and we shall keep it so until
i advise otherwise. We(my mum and i)need your
assistance in the sense that you will pose as the
beneficiary of the trunks and help us travel to the
Netherlands and pick up the trunks.You will keep them
safely for us until a time when we will meet with you
and share the contents as earlier agreed in my mums
first mail to you.Please note that we are putting a
lot of trust in you and we hope that you will not do
otherwise.We have been duped in the past by close
friends and relatives that have given out our
information to our government and hence we chose to do
this last one with a foreigner.I want you to please
call me on my telephone number: 234-1-8960448 or you
may call me on my cellphone number 234-803-4971585(it
is open 7 days a week and 24hours for this
transaction) and please when you call ask me for the
password and i will say AUGUST before any
conversation.If you do not hear this password,drop the
phone and try again later.This is only a security
check to make sure you are talking to the right
person.We must be very security conscious so as not to
jeopardise this transaction.I will provide you with
all the documents that will back you as the
beneficiary to the trunks okay.I will also remind you
that you keep this transaction very confidential as it
involves my family's last hope for survival.


N.B:In the event that you cannot travel,we can arrange
for the trunks to be freighted to you at your
location. Remember to keep this transaction very
confidential and known to only you for us to succeed
in our transaction.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

PART 3: Baiting the hook

From Layman:
Dear Hajia,

I still have not heard from Mustapha. Do you have any idea when he might call?

Just so you know, I am an elderly widower, in failing health and extreme decrepitude. My only heir, my son Soggiferus P. Layman, died three years ago last April after eating a poison bundt cake. As a result, I recieved an extremely generous settlement from the insurance company at the Applebee’s restaurant where he died. And while it has left me FABULOUSLY WEALTHY, it does not replace the place in my heart I held for my dear young “Soggy”. I’m sure you, as a recent widow, can relate.

My dynamic team of financial advisors tell me I have more money than I could ever spend my lifetime, and I should devote my limited energies to various charities and helping people in need. That is why I thought it such a blessing to hear from you today. I have heard Nigerians are a proud people, probably a wife of a great general especially. I hope you are not so proud you decline my offer of financial assistance in your time of need. Nay, I BEG you.

I hope to hear from you or Mustapha soon,
Yours in friendship,
John Layman

P.S. Please tell me some stories that relate to the character of the late General Abacha. Was he a man of God? Did he love kitties?

PART 2: My cruel ruse continues

From Nigeria:
Dear John Layman,
I have forwarded your contact details to my son Mustapha who would contact you to discuss every details about the transaction with you.Please do feel free to corperate with him.
Hajia Mariam.

From Layman:
I look forward to talking to Mustapha with great anticipation. My heart goes out to you for the terrible predicament you are in, and I will do my best to help you in whatever way I can. I have recently inherited a great deal of money. Would directly wiring you some sum help you in any way? Please, tell Mustapha he can call upon me any time, day or night.

PART 1: Tee hee. Layman scams the scammers

From Nigeria:
Dear Beloved,
Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha
the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I
have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the
present administration.I have lost confidence with
anybody within my country.I got your contacts through
personal research,and had to reach you through this
medium. I will give you more details when you reply.
Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I
cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted
you. My husband deposited $12.6million dollars with a
security firm abroad whose name is witheld for now
till we communicate. I will be happy if you can
receive this funds for safe keeping and I assure you a
very good percent of this fund I will instruct my son
to contact you so please feel free to comunicate with
my son. I await your urgent response,
Hajia Mariam.

From Layman:
This is terrible news about your husband. Please let me know how I can help!!

From Nigeria:
Dear friend,
Thanks for your willingness to assist me and my family in carrying out this transaction.please i would want you to send to me your contact telephone number which i will forward to my son Mustapha who will contact you to explain every details about the transaction to you.
I hope to hear from you soon
Hajia Mariam.

From Layman:
Please call me. I desperately want to help.

(*number for North Seattle Krispy Kreme.)

Will update as further events warrant.