Monday, January 15, 2007

Layman Movie Review: LADY IN THE WATER

This movie was so bad that had I actually had to see it in real time and suffer through it in a theater, or had I even paid a dime of my own money, I would have gone on a rampage so murderous and furious it would have made Jeffrey Dahmer, Columbine, 9/11 and Abu Grabby look like afternoon tea with Angela Landsbury.

This movie sucked so much ass it that only my base laziness that is preventing me from declaring a Salman Rushdie-style fatwa on M. Night Shamalama. It was awful. It was even more criminally stupid than Signs. It was amazing to me that this pile of crap could even be made into a movie.

Let's backtrack. The Village was just boring and stupid, and M. Night's need for a "twist" stunk of pathetic desperation. Unbreakable was ponderous and dull. Signs was monumentally stupid. If outer space aliens were actually deathly allergic to water, the LAST place they would hide out would be in a cornfield, where there is condensation on the plants each and every morning.

But Lady in the Water takes the cake. It was so bad, it retroactively negates my previous enjoyment of The Sixth Sense, which was actually part of the Layman permanent collection, and will now be burned in rage-fueled effigy.

It's the first script that's ever been written entirely with Mad Libs, where idiotic N. Night Shamalama just made up a bunch of nonsense words, like "narf" and "snarf" and "kwjybo," and just inserted them randomly with two hours of boring-ass people, talking about boring-ass shit. It's supposed to be a bedtime story, and that's the only believable part of the movie, cause if I wasn't watching this crap at double, triple and quadruple speed, I probably would have lapsed into a narcoleptic coma.

This movie was garbage. M. Night Shamalama is M. Night Sham, a pretensious, self-important, ponderous ASS, who would not know a good movie if he found it floating dead in his swimming pool.

I did not like this movie one bit. M. Night will never see another penny of my money. Nor will ever get another nanosecond of my time.


Anonymous said...

I couldn't disagree more but that's what makes hollywood work, people have different tastes. I loved this movie and Unbreakable is my favorite of his movies. You have to buy-in to like his movies though and not everyone does.

I'd be curious to know a little more about why you don't like M. Night movies rather than your vague rantings which while entertaining basically just tell me you don't like his style.

You mentioned somewhere in there that you don't appreciate his writing but beyond that not much. Personally I think his writing wasn't at its best in Lady in the Water but that doesn't make him a bad writer and the cinematography and camera angles he uses are always unique and great.

Just my opinion though.

Feel free to go to my site and disagree with one of my reviews.

Mustang said...

Auugh, Layman, how could you watch an M. Night Sham movie? You're a parent now. You have to take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hey John, tell me... what did you REALLY think of the movie???????????????????????? he he