Layman Blue Ray triple play movie review extra-extravagonzo!

THE QUEEN

Man, you know the only thing more boring than watching Helen Mirren being prim and stuffy for 3 hours as The Queen of England? Watching it in Blue Ray, 'cause it's like inviting the Queen into your own living room, and having her sit on the couch beside you and boring you for 3 hours IN PERSON. And, I swear, half of this movie was just file footage of Lady Diana. Double boring! Maybe they should have a rule, that no movie about old people should be released in Blue Ray, that nothing shall come out on Blue Ray unless it has a requisite amount of explosions and special effects. Anyway, I'll give this movie 4 Reggie's yawning.





NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

Shockingly, I did not hate this. Despite the inclusion of Robin Williams, who is to movie comedy what the Beatles are to music. And it went on for too long and had an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink quality to it, and it was pretty predictable... Hmmm, why did I like it again? I dunno. I'm not sure, except it was pretty good, keeping it mind it was a kid's movie, and I think a young boy would just dig all the dinosaurs coming to life and all that sort of shit. And it had the typical Hollywood sad sack father who redeems himself in the eyes of his kid. Whatever. It wasn't torture, that's all I'm saying. And, once again, Blue Ray takes a medicore movie and makes it marginally better. I'll give it 8 Lego Dinosaurs.




KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

I think Orlando Bloom must have it in his contract that at least every other movie he had to be a sword-fighting son of a blacksmith. Not a bad movie, and of course GORGEOUS in Blue Ray, a period piece which looks like it cost double or triple what Ridley Scott's Gladiator did, and I'm pretty sure it had a fraction of the audience. I didn't see the original movie, but this thing clocked in at more than 3 hours, so I'm pretty sure it was a director's cut. And I'm guess what was added was to the beginning, 'cause the movie started slow, but got pretty good by the time they got to the medieval battle shit. And, of course, it co-starred Deep Space Nine's Dr. Bashir, who I've already confessed to having a giant man-crush upon. Man, I love that dude. So, again, this movie was tolerable in Blue Ray, and according to my spies at Netflix, I should have three more movies winging my way this afternoon. Awesome! Anyway, I'm giving this movie three oversized Bashirs, one of every damn hour of this movie.