Thursday, September 21, 2006

Layman movie review: ART OF THE DEVIL (Part I: David Baron edition)

David Baron used to be such a nice boy. Well groomed, with blindingly white socks, polished shoes, stylish spats and neatly pressed pants. He was always cheerful. He would come to work a half an hour early just so he could open doors for old ladies, pretty girls, fat guys and comic book editors. Sometimes he wore his Scout uniform to work. He was pure, like freshly-fallen snow on a pristine meadow, and innocent, like a baby lamb in a Disney Cartoon.

I distinctly remember him on the evening of his 21st birthday. I offered him a drink. He declined. "I don't drink alcohol," he declared. I offered again.

"C'mon, Dave, what's the worst that could happen?"

Cut to five years later, and David Baron is the creepiest person on Earth. His socks are dirty, and he only wears black. He is never without a scowl, and his clothing is accessoried with skulls and horrible gothic death imagery. He drinks like a hound. He hangs around with people of low character, and has an endless parade of emotionally-damaged, mentally-unstable, pierced, tattooed and often-underage "suicide girls" who serve at his every depraved beck and call. When he is not coloring comic books, I'm sure he is carving a pentagram on his chest with a rusty pearing knife. In short, David Baron has become a horrible person, and perhaps America's worst nightmare.

However, he remains very considerate, and often buys me presents and tokens for no particular reason. He never forgets to get me something when the holidays roll around, and often gives me stuff "just because." This year, at San Diego Comic Con, he gave me a DVD of a movie called Art of the Devil. He knows I have been enjoying various J-horror movies (never mind that Art of the Devil is actually from Thailand,) and wanted to give me this movie as a kindly gesture of friendship.

The back of the DVD boasted that the movie was particularly gruesome and shocking, part of an "Asian Extreme" video collection. Considering what a sick, twisted creep Dave has become, I could only image what "gruesome and shocking" meant by his standards. I guessed it would be six hours of people hanging from meat hooks eating live puppies.

And so it has been sitting on my DVD shelf, unwatched. The movie claims the movie is "terrifying," and without even seeing it I can attest to it. I am so afraid of the monster David Baron has become, I am nearly frightened to death to watch this movie. I get chills down my spine just seeing it in the cabinet. And so it remained, for months on end, the most horrifying, gut-wreching movie I have NEVER seen.

Last night, in a fit of foolhearty pique, I placed the DVD into my DVD player and pressed play.

to be continued


.just.a.ghost. said...

Off to Vegas!!!!

dustin said...

hmm... might jsut be me, but i know a david baron and he is a kind and caring human being by nature. he cares about the enviroment and treats everyone as equals. but i hear he hates cats.

Anonymous said...

David is the same person he has always been. He is just now aware of who he should be. I am proud of him and his accomplishments. Dave your turtle loves you. JMT