Okay, full disclosure: I'm watching this doped up on Dayquil and a fair amount of beer and Marker's Mark shots. I got a pretty nasty cold after being in New York, and this is my first night drinking after being miserably sick (and unproductive) for the past week. Tom Peyer and I are drinking and watching School For Scoundrels. And so, here goes my first attempt at lifeblogging.
9:49: So far, the previews are lame, some bullshit Star Wars-centric movie called Fan Boys (starring Veronica Mars) and some teen James Bond parody starring Oogie McGregor. LAME!
9:51: And now, a preview to Scary Movie 4. As a rule, the shittier the previews, the shittier the movie. So far, this does not auger well. Finger is poised on the fast foward button....
9:52: I switched from beer to whiskey, in an attempt to make this fucking thing more tolerable.
9:53: Tom Peyer eases closer to me on the couch. He thinks I do not notice.
9:56: Jon Heder is menaced by scary black gangstah caricatures. Funny!
10:01: This movie is nearly intolerable, already.
10:02: I log onto Warcraft, so see how Ruggles is doing on his auctions. I have three Primals Mights on sales at the auction house, selling for about 100 gold pieces each. I'm trying to get 5000 gold pieces to buy my (super fast) epic flying mount.
Here's a picture of Ruggles on his regular (non-epic) flying mount.
10:08: David Cross AND Sarah Silverman are in this movie. Shouldn't it be funnier? And Horatio Sanz.
10:09: I fly all the way back to Wildhammer Stronghold. Ruggles' auctions have not sold.
10:10: Rufus' food dish must be empty. She's hanging out in the kitchen, waiting to be fed.
10:16: 20 minutes in and zero laughs. My opinion on Jon Heder has not changed.
10:20: Tom Peyer is on his 5th whiskey, and unsightly urine is soaking through his adult diaper. I avert my gaze. I don't think Tom has used a toilet once since he read the story about the diaper-wearing astronaut. I don't undersand why he just won't walk 12 feet to the rest room.
10:27: It's official. Tom loves this movie. He's sitting in his own filth, clapping like a baby seal, hooting with glee every time there is a somebody-gets-kicked-in-the-balls joke, which is about once every 30 seconds. Tom is beside himself with ecstasy. Also, I'm pretty sure he went Number Two in his adult diaper. He made a big farting noise and then proclaimed loudly, "To the moon, Layman! To the moon!"
10:39: Bored, I wonder around the internet. I log on to IM to see who on. Hmm. Only B Clay Moore. Time to get meta:
JL; hi clay
B Clay Moore: Hi, John.
JL; i'm liveblogging our IM conversation
JL; did you like wearing my scarf in NY?
B Clay Moore: In more ways than I'd care to admit.
JL; i caught a cold. too much fun in 20 degree weather, i guess
B Clay Moore: Dressed like a Siberian farmer's wife as you were, I'm surprised.
JL; have you seen "School for Scoundrels?"
B Clay Moore: I haven't.
JL; don't bother
JL; see you later, clay
B Clay Moore: Later, John! Good seeing you, as always.
10:44: Rufus has come over. Meowing. She is full food begging mode now. SHE'S SO FREAKING CUTE!!!!! But she is kinda creepy when she stares at me. She's sitting beside me, staring, like the harder she stares, the faster I will feed her.
10:56: A phone interrupts the movie. We put it on pause. It's my personal assistant, reminding me to do early check-in on my flight to Phoenix tomorrow. Dammit, I'm in the B group. SHIT!!
11:08: I think Tom has figured out what's going on finally. He started sniffing in the air very intently, then slunk into the bathroom. He came back a moment later, walking bow-legged, wearing only a towel, quietly sobbing. He's drunk off his ass, doing Ed Brubaker-style karate moves into the empty air, and shouting at imaginary enemies. Are we even watching the movie anymore?
11:19: This movie sucks.
11:24: THIS MOVIE ROCKS!!! There is an uncredited cameo with Ben Stiller as a weird dude with a lot of cats whose been traumatized by Billy Bob Thorton--AND ONE OF HIS CATS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE REGGIE!!!!! This movie was TOTALLY worth the hour and a half slog just to get to the 3 second of the Reggie lookalike.
HE'S AN ANGEL!!!! ...AN ANGEL!!!!!!
11:26: The bloom is off the rose. This movie really is ass.
I give it ZERO Jennies!