Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Sorry for not posting, I've been watching cable

I’ll take a departure from my reviews of current and just-on-DVD movies to tell you about what I think may be the very worst movie of all time: “Tin Cup.” I just caught it on cable last night. It’s a cinematic travesty, the worst of all possible worlds. It’s a wholly unremarkable film masquerading as a sports movie masquerading as a romantic comedy. And it’s got Kevin Costner, an actor who always seems to be delivering his lines as if he’s trying to read the ingredients on a beer can.

The worst part is the ending. His character, Roy McAvoy, doesn’t listen to the advice of his caddy and flubs the U.S. Open by hitting six balls into that water. Oh, that Roy McAvoy, he can’t golf but he sure is an individual!

Pure crap. And to even cast a thin veneer of romantic comedy on this bomb is a joke. Look at the lame-ass movie poster with Kevin Costner in a nasty tank top wearing a backwards baseball hat. Puh-leeze! The only thing someone who looks like Kevin Costner could shag in this movie is a golf ball.

Maybe it’s time to change course and talk about the best movie of all time.

Mommie Dearest. This is such a classic. Faye Dunaway gives a fantastic performance, hamming it up like no one’s business and delivering unforgettable lines with a perverse thrill. It’s campy, it’s ironic and it’s delightful.

Name another movie that offers up sentences like these:

“Don’t fuck with me, fellas, this ain’t my first time at the rodeo!”
“Tina! Bring me the AXE!”

And this monologue, of course:
No wire hangers! What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you no wire hangers?! EVER!!!! I work till I'm half dead and I hear people say she's getting old! What do I get ? A daughter who cares as much about a beautiful dress I give her as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet?! Answer me! I buy you beautiful dresses and you treat 'em like some dishrag! You threw a 300 dollar dress on a wire hanger! We'll see how many you got hidden in here, we'll see! All of this is coming out! Out! Out! Out! Out! We're gonna see how many wire hangers you got in your closet! Wire hangers. Why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed! Get out of that bed! (picks up hanger and begins to beat Christina) You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you dont care about crease marks from wire hangers, and your room looks like some two dollar unfurnished room in some two- bit backstreet town in Oklahoma! Get up! Clean up this mess! Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? Did you?

Watching this movie with a bottle of red wine is probably the best way to spend an evening.

1 comment:

Mary E. Brickthrower said...

Watching this movie with a bottle of red wine is probably the best way to spend an evening.

Probably one of the smartest statements you've made on this blog sir. I absolutely LURVE this movie. Is it out on DVD? must.own.now.
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