Signs you've been a freelancer too long

Today I was working on my super-secret X-Men related project I am doing for Marvel when I discovered there was a certain Essential X-Men volume I was missing and needed. I hopped in my car and drove to the closest comic book store --Dreamstrand Comics on 85th.

I was parked and halfway inside the comic book store before I realized I had left the house wearing pajama bottoms. How embarrassing!

ALL HAIL YUBA CITY!!: Good news from my hometown

Yuba City grocery clerk next Earl of Essex?

Layman Movie Reviews: SNOOZEFEST DOUBLE FEATURE

Ok, this isn't really a movie review so much as a savage indictment against society. Or, specifically, my roommate's "taste" in movies. As you know, I have been out of town recently, to New York (the windy city!) for a week, then San Diego, for Comic Con. But is it fair that I come home to see my Netflix cue complete reorganized? Is it fair that I come home to movies like "Vera Drake" and "Simply Ballroom"?!??

Vera Drake is about a billion-year old British woman who loves to give abortions. Now, close your eyes and try to imagine which part of that sounds the least appealing? Old lady? Amateur abortion doctor? British!?!

"Simply Ballroom" is even worse. It's Austrailian, made in the early '90s about a "straight" dude who is into ballroom dancing, who loses his partner and decides to team up with the ugliest wanna-be ballroom dancer in town. WTF!?!?!!? Not only that, but the movie is filled with MUZAK versions of 80s hits. ARGGGHH!

To be fair, I admit I routinely change the Netflix cue behind my roommate's back. And yes, she does pay for Netflix. However, when I change the cue, I'm doing my roommate--and the world--a service. Because all of the movies I see, no matter even if they are awful like Elektra, come with the Layman Quality Cinema Guarentee, because no matter how bad a movie is, if it has at least one of these things, it can't be all bad.

THE LAYMAN QUALITY CINEMA GUARENTEE
All movies will have at least one or more of the following:
1. A monster, alien, zombie, robot, dinosaur, robot-dinosaur, zombie-robot-dinosaur, shark, mutant or some sort of inhuman crazed killer
2. People hitting or kicking each other, attempting to do bodily harm
3. People shooting each other, or using some crazy-ass weapon, attempting to do bodily harm
4. Copious profanity, hopefully mixed with little smoking
5. Boobs

Layman Movie Reviews: COMIC BOOK BAD GIRL TRIPLE PLAY

Holy crap! This movie was ass. The first 35 minutes felt like they were written by a retard--on acid--with a crayon lodged so far up his nose its affected what little was left of his cognative functions. I guess the writers felt like they needed to go through all sorts of contortions to explain how a character that "died" in Daredevil was brought back to life. But their "explaination" is just a bunch of senseless flashbacks and meaningless garbage, and by the time the story started --35 fucking minutes in-- I was reaching for a box of crayons to shove one up my nose and put myself out of my misery. For my money, this was MUCH worse that the much-maligned Catwoman. Between Alias, which is pure fucking nonsense, and Elektra, I figure Jennifer Garner pretty much deserves Ben Assfleck.



This movie was horrible, true, but nowhere near as bad as what I thought it would be. From what I heard, this was the worst cinematic travesty in years, even worse than Chronicles of Riddick, but, like I said, I didn't think it was near as stupid as Elektra, and no more stupid or insulting than 90% of the crap that comes out of Hollywood. I guess the the best part of this was that it was a wake-up call to the douchbags at Time-Warner to have a little more respect for the characters. I dunno. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my behalf.



On the other hand, this movie was straight-out GREAT! Up there with my favorite comic book movies, if not my favorite. Keep in mind, the Punisher will never be more than a B-Movie, because it is basically "Death Wish" with a guy in a black skull T-shirt. But I thought this movie had a good mix of gore with ham & cheese, and Thomas Jane did a good job as the Frank Castle. I also think bringing in John Travolta in was a masterstroke. Travolta has jumped the shark long ago, and doesn't even make an effort at acting anymore. So he just mugs and makes a cartoon of himself--and he's absolutely perfect. Also, this movie seemed to borrow quite liberally from Garth Ennis' early Punisher issues, which I enjoyed tremendously. Anyway, I thought this was a good movie, and it's even better if you have a good buzz while you are watching it.

On Sale Wed Aug. 3rd

sneak peek here

Layman Movie Review: Wedding Crashers

Ok, on Ed Brubaker's and a few other recommendations, I finally got around to see Wedding Crashers. I like both Owen Wison and Brian K. Vaughan, so I figured it would be a pretty funny movie. My roommate and I walked to the theatre, and before we went in we stopped in at a local grocery store, called Larry's. They have a lot of bulk candy and shit, and considering how expensive movie food and drinks are, this is the way to go. I wasn't especially hungry, so of course I made a b-line to the bottled water section. You'll be relieved to find out I FINALLY found the 20 oz. bottles of Aquafina Sparkling, but only in the original (water) flavor. My roommate, based on my recommendation and her knowledge of my profound good taste, picked up a 16.9 ounce bottle of "Layman"-Lime. Man, what a difference those 3.1 ounces make!

Anyway, about the movie, I was kinda unimpressed that the water I got was not colder, being that I got it from the refrigerated section. But I did not let that deter me. I had heard how funny the movie was, and --no lie-- not five minutes into the movie the FUNNIEST thing happened: My roommate handed me HER bottle of "Layman"-Lime flavored Aquafina instead of the original flavor. Of course, I did not say anything, and guzzled it. Talk about pure water refreshment!! After I was done with that bottle, I started "sharing" out of my roommates bottle.

I pretty much enjoyed the movie, but I thought it dragged a bit in the last 20 minutes, though it is possible it is because I had finished both bottles of Aquafina.

SPOILERS (drag over with cursor if you want this review to be spoiled:) BOTH bottles of Aquafina Sparkling Water were delicious!

That's it for my movie review. I hope it helped you out in your decision whether or not to see this movie.

Of course you realize this means war!!!!!

This idiot ought to be banned from the internet.

Layman bottled water review: Aquafina Sparkling Berry

An acceptable substitute for those who wish to take a break of Aquafina's fine "Layman"-Lime flavor of sparkling water. Just marginly less refreshing and delicious than "Layman"-Lime, Aquafina's other flavored offering is a still damn good, though I'm not sure exactly which berry flavor it's suppose to be (decades of rampant cocaine abuse destroyed some of the more delicate sensibilities of my palate.) Still, I think it's some sort of mix of rasberry and blackberry. Whatever, it's still good, and makes a fine addition to the brilliant canon of Aquafina sparkling beverages that grace my refrigerator.



I've been drinking the 16.9 liter bottles pretty much nonstop lately, but my extensive research has revealed the both Berry, "Layman"-Lime and Original (non-flavored sparkling) are also available in 20 ounce and 1 liter bottle. Whoo-eeee!!!! I gotta get me some of that shit!

CONGRATULATIONS LANCE!!!

As regular readers of this blog know, I don't really follow non-polictical current events, but I guess Lance Hendrickson just did his seventh tour of France, or something like that, and for some reason it's a really big deal and been all over the news.

Anyway, he's one of my favorite actors, and I enjoy just about any movie he's in, even the small bits and supporting roles. Good job, Lance!

Presented without commentary

Layman bottled water review: Aquafina Sparkling "Layman"-Lime

OMFG!!!! I am totally obsessed with Aquafina's new line of sparking water.

I like drinking sparkling water, but I keep buying various brands that say "natural flavor" and it turns out "natural flavor" is Aspirtaine or Splenda, or some other synthetic crap that totally leaves a nasty-ass aftertaste. Not only that, but all these waters think they need to compete with soda or something, and they put enough artificial sweeteners in there to choke a goddamn horse.

But this Aquafina, despite being owned by (my arch-enemy) Pepsi, is pretty freaking perfect. It actually has no artificial crap or nasty aftertaste, and only has a hint of lemon-lime flavor (henceforth referred to as "Layman"-Lime, as I am adopting Aquafina Sparkling as the official "drink of Layman.")

Anyway, this stuff is great, and if you are not drinking it, you are a clod. In fact, if you don't go out and buy some before you reach the end of this blog post you are likely the biggest ***hole in the history of mankind. Yesterday I bought 3 six-packs of the stuff (did I mention they are economical? $2.99 for 6, much cheaper than Perrier.) Anyway, my big plan for today is to drink all 18 back-to-back, then spend the rest of the day expelling urine while I giggle in ecstasy.

That is all.

Remember when Georgie-Boy said "Bring it on"?!?

This is amazing and sad. The cable "news" channels still bring up that stupid dead chick in Aruba every 10 minutes. Can anybody tell the name of a single soldier who has died in Iraq?

Press here for a reality check.

Cool!

A new Frank Black album was released this week. Right on!

It's a bit on the mellow side though, but I like it so far.

check this out

Second printing, yo!

Oh shit! Scotty is dead.

Sad.

Layman movie review: CHOCOLATE CHARLIE AND THE COOKIE FACTORY

Holy crap! This movie was excellent. I mean, this thing was superb, and I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a movie this much, certainly not in 2005, maybe not since Return of the King. This movie was freakin' great.



I didn't expect it to be. I thought Tim Burton had sorta run the course in his last few movies. I loved Ed Wood, but Burton deserves to be shot dead for the Planet of the Apes remake (how do apes on another planet have horses?) And after suffering through Big Fish, I could totally understand why Spalding Grey killed himself after that movie--I wanted to too!

But, damn, if this movie wasn't great, and I think the first Chocolate Charlie and the Cookie Factory was pretty hard to beat. In general, I think Johnny Deep gives great performances and picks great scripts and this was no exception. This movie was more based on the book than the previous movie, the Chocolate Charlie and the Cookie Factory written by Roland Orzabald, so there are a few differences in this movie, that did not make this version signficantly different than the first movie, but different nontheless. And I am on the fence about which one is better. I loved Dean Wilder in the first movie, and I love Johnny Deep and a lot of the supporting cast in this. There was a lot of great humor and a few little cool in-jokes (witness Johnny holding the scissors at the cornation of the Cookie factory--a total nod to Edward Scissorhead.)

Also, it's worth noting that Christopher Lee did another nice job. Funny how he disappeared for a long damn time, and has managed to reintroduce himself to a new generation as Count Dooku, Sauron and now Willie Wonka's dad. Good for you, Chris.

Anyway, this movie has my highest recommendation. I would see the movie again in a heartbeat (on the giant screen Cinerama, preferably in the loving arms of Superfrankenstein.) And I am totally adding this to my DVD collection when this movie comes out.

Anyway... go see it. Tell the Neanderthal ticket-taker at Lowes that "Kid Layman" sent you, and save $.50 of your ticket purchase.

lookit this cute little bastard

From the PME (The Pre-Mighty Era,) circa 1981, in this photo recently unearthed by a former associate.



Note: I am back from San Diego Con (and NY,) and normal blogging with resume tomorrow... with a vengeance!

Layman at the Comic Con

In case anybody is desperate to find me at this week's San Diego Comic Con, here is my tentative shhhedule:

Thursday
3-4 signing at the Marvel booth
4:30-5:30 hanging out at the Oni booth


Friday
4-5 signing at the Marvel booth


Sat
12-1:20 talking about my new book at the Oni panel
1-2 signing at IDW
3-4 signing at the Marvel booth


Sunday
12-1 signing at the Marvel booth
3-4:20 hanging out at the Oni booth

The Layman Lego Project: Larry Potter

I have this friend, let's call him "Brandon," who is just absolutely crazy about Larry Potter. In fact, let's call him "Brandon Thomas." You don't have to sit in the same room with Brandon very long before he starts talking about Larry Potter (the boy wizard!) Brandon is obsessed. It's all he ever talks about, and he even took a job in a bookstore just so he could be NEAR Larry Potter books (note: I'm calling it "Larry" to avoid lawsuits from J.K. Rowlings, who no doubt already has a cease and desist against "Brandon.")

Anyway, with a new Larry Potter book just around the corner, I now present to you a super-deluxe edition of the beloved Layman Lego Project (just look how many votes it's gotten!) Anyway, here's my Larry Potter Lego collect, this one dedication to "Brandon Thomas."

Note: I wuz gonna post one book per day for maximum suspense, but seeing as how I'm gonna be in San Diego for Comic Con I'll just do it all in one chunk (and that way you dummies will mistake this for actual content!)

First book:











Second book:









Third book:

Brats on da Balcony

A double-feature of dumbness!

Boy, am I ever sick of that dead chick in Aruba

Man, you would think this lame bitch held the cure to cancer or something, the way every network and news station continues to prattle on about poor missing Natalie (while making a fraction of the mentions of war dead.) Every non-white person in the Aruba has been arrested, and every square inch of the country and surrounding ocean been gone over with a fine-tooth comb, plus ol' Natalie's mom proving to be the most miserable, shameless media-whore since the Shiavos. Today's headlines on CNN.com said "Jets find no sign of teen missing in Aruba."

You know, in case ol' Natalie sprouted wings or something.



Furthermore, why the hell is a football team searching for a missing girl in Aruba?! It's it almost pre-season or whatever? God, I hate sports fans!

Anyway, that's my two cents. I don't mean any blatant disrespect to Natalie's water-logged corpse, but god-damn if she isn't a smoke screen to all the real shit that's been happening in the world.


Sorry for not much blogging, by the way. I just got back from New York (the windy city!) and am gearing up for San Diego Con. I'll post my schedule when I hear from Marvel, but I'll likely be hanging out there, or Oni or IDW. You know... where all the kool kids hang!

leaving the windy city...

I'm sitting in JFK Jr. International Airport, enjoying the free wi-fi, cruising the web for various House of M FF reviews. In general, reviews have been positive. Cool!

After today, I think NY should be nicknamed "the rainy city.**" LOL!!!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!!!!







(**because it was raining.)

On sale today: House of M Fantastic Four #1

I am still in New York --the windy city!



I miss Reggie!

I am in New York City...

...the windy city!

I'll post picture and stuff soon.



(Maybe)