Saturday, July 30, 2005


Ok, this isn't really a movie review so much as a savage indictment against society. Or, specifically, my roommate's "taste" in movies. As you know, I have been out of town recently, to New York (the windy city!) for a week, then San Diego, for Comic Con. But is it fair that I come home to see my Netflix cue complete reorganized? Is it fair that I come home to movies like "Vera Drake" and "Simply Ballroom"?!??

Vera Drake is about a billion-year old British woman who loves to give abortions. Now, close your eyes and try to imagine which part of that sounds the least appealing? Old lady? Amateur abortion doctor? British!?!

"Simply Ballroom" is even worse. It's Austrailian, made in the early '90s about a "straight" dude who is into ballroom dancing, who loses his partner and decides to team up with the ugliest wanna-be ballroom dancer in town. WTF!?!?!!? Not only that, but the movie is filled with MUZAK versions of 80s hits. ARGGGHH!

To be fair, I admit I routinely change the Netflix cue behind my roommate's back. And yes, she does pay for Netflix. However, when I change the cue, I'm doing my roommate--and the world--a service. Because all of the movies I see, no matter even if they are awful like Elektra, come with the Layman Quality Cinema Guarentee, because no matter how bad a movie is, if it has at least one of these things, it can't be all bad.

All movies will have at least one or more of the following:
1. A monster, alien, zombie, robot, dinosaur, robot-dinosaur, zombie-robot-dinosaur, shark, mutant or some sort of inhuman crazed killer
2. People hitting or kicking each other, attempting to do bodily harm
3. People shooting each other, or using some crazy-ass weapon, attempting to do bodily harm
4. Copious profanity, hopefully mixed with little smoking
5. Boobs

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