POZNER PLUG: Damn, doesn't Layman's new book sound awesome?

Sentinel Squad ONE. Coming Feb. Details here.

Angry readers ask: Where's Layman?

The answer, sadly, friends, is here:

In Layman's Absence: The POZNER DOILIE Project

Rather than continue to bore you with Layman's stupid Lego collection, here are a few of my favorite things... LACE DOILIES!!





Thank you for your kind indulgence. Man, don't you hate people who talk in movie theaters?

See you tomorrow, for more fun-filled hijinx. In the meantime, please visit my sister site, THE WIND.

Thank you and good day,
Neal J. Pozner

Pozner movie review: Dark Water

Hello, everybody, and good day to you. My name is Neal J. Pozner and I'll be the host of this blog until such time Layman feels up to returning.


Anyway, on the Lesson Plans Layman left before he absconded, he left a request that I review "Dark Water," the orginal Japanese version, not the recent U.S. remake featuring Jennifer Connely. Honeslty, I didn't want to see this movie. To me, "Dark Water" is the substance I found on my sheets in the morning every day of my life up until the age of 15 (and occationally still do this day, if I ever drink rasberry Snapple.)

But I know that Layman has been doing lots of Asian cinema, so I figured I'd better review it. And it's a good thing it got to me, instead of Layman. He would have hated it. It was about as slow moving as a movie could be without running in reverse. It had no gore, and not even any blood. It was also devoid of actual scares, unless you are scared of seeing a little Japanese kid or her little red bunny purse that keeps appearing everytime somebody throws it away. It spent way more time dealing with the "single mom getting a divorce and dealing with a career" than it did on any horror plots. It felt more like a Lifetime movie of the week than an actual horror movie. So, in short, to conclude, I, Neal J. Pozner, LOVED IT!!!!!


I'll see you tomorrow, with more brilliant and edge-of-your-seat blogging. In the meantime, please vist my sister web-site, THE WIND, where chances are very good I've posted my 1000th post about people talking in movie theaters.

I'm told I'm a lovable crumudgeon. An Andy Rooney for the 21st Century, minus the blistering sex-appeal.

Have a pleasant afternoon.

With kind regards,
Neal J. Pozner

LAYMERGENCY!!!!!: Hospitalized for "Exhaustion"

Apparently the concentrated fun of spending an evening with ED BRUBAKER was too much for any mortal man, because shortly after this momentus event Mr. Layman disappeared and checked himself into a "recovery center" due to "exhaustion."

So, while our beloved blogmaster is recovering, I have agreed to step up and fill the vast internet void.



Hello, friends. My name is Neal J. Pozner. and some of you (like, maybe two) may know me from my own blog, THE WIND, where I primarily spend all my time grousing about people talking in movies and using their cell phones, while making thin-veilded homoerotic comments about how much I LOVED the Dukes of Hazard movie.

My hobbies include yawning, yeilding the right-of-way, getting pissed in movie theaters, David Baron, and enjoying homemade caramel. Dislikes include getting vomit on my shoes, stepping in dog poo and walking on sunshine. My sole hatred in life is Eric DeSantis. God, I hate that fucker.

Anyway, please join me in Layman's absense, where I promise to make this blog every bit as scintilating as my own.

Sincrly yours,
Neal J. Pozner

oh HELL yeah: on sale today... We Heart Katamari

On sale today, the sequel to the brilliant and surreal video game Katamari Damaci, on sale for a mere $29.99.

I'm so excited. Tonight I'm gonna go over and play it on the big-ass projector-screen of my very bestest pal in the entire whole wide world....















..."ED"
BRU
BAKER

Bloody hell! Is it time already... for another Hall of H20 Hero?!?!?

Presenting world-famous comic book colorist and raconteur David Baron. David Baron enjoys refreshing Aquafina sparkling "Layman"-Lime flavored bottled water. His hands are powerful, yet gentle, and he has teeth so white you need sunglasses to be around him. He is also the king of the San Diego Scene, and what Hugh Hefner was to the Sexual Revelution of the 60s, David Baron is to skanky little MySpace tattooed and pierced chickedees in the 21th Century.

And he's a good person to have around if you are passed-out on a NYC subway at 4 a.m., too!




Also: his colors real purty too, don't he, on them thar funny books.

OMFG!!! EVIL DEAD: REGENERATION=The best $20 I ever spent****

Okay, if I had to pick my all-time top five PS2 games, they would be as follows:
Grand Theft Auto San Andreas
Katamari Damaci
From Beyond Good and Evil
Psychonauts
and Evil Dead: Fist Full of Boomstick.

Now, of those five, I fully recognize that Evil Dead was not on the same level. It was not the perfect game, but damned if it was not fun, and playing a wise-cracking Bruce Campbell killing tons of zombies with guns and chainsaws is a pretty good way to kill some time.

A sequel came out last week, Evil Dead Regeneration, or, not so much a sequel, but another Evil Dead movie by a different company. Gamespot.com gave it a mediocre review, but said it was the best Evil Dead game so far. That was enough for me to go seek it out, especially when I learned it had a $20 price point.

AND THIS GAME IS FUCKING FUN!!!!! Not only do you kill zombies and monsters with shotguns and chainsaws and bloody finishing moves, you also get a flamethrower and a harpoon gun. But it gets better. You have a wisecracking midget zombie sidekick (voiced by goofy-ass Ted Raimi) who you get to totally abuse, who comes back to life no matter how many times you kill him. So you get to kick him into bad guys, and shove him down pipes, set him on fire, and all sorts of crazy shit. By midway through the game that damn midget has died more than Kenny on South Park. Has got a lot of funny cinematics, too.

Anyway, it's got good enough graphics for me. It's challenging without being hard, and I don't have to run to the internet for a walkthrough like a lot of games. Plus, you just can't beat gorey zombie combat and midget abuse. Good freaking stuff, dude, and for $20 I totally recommend it.

For the record, my favorite non-PS2 games are:
Stacraft
Warcraft II
N64's Goldeneye.

Hey! and the sequel to Katamari comes out on Thursday! Fuck yah!











**** except for that time that Tom B. Long's mama was giving two-for-ones.

You're doing a heck of a job, Blackie!

RIP DICK CHENEY

Richard Cheney, 1941-2005:
WASH D.C.: Compounding problems for an already beleagered White House, Vice President Dick Cheney passed away next week, due to complications resulting from an upcoming aneurism surgery. The bad news? Mr. Cheney passed away quietly in his sleep. An autoposy has revealed no solid answers to this happy turn of events, revealing only what was already known; that his black shiveled pea of a heart had up until now been kept operational by five bionic, nuclear pacemakers, none of which could keep up with the overwhelming strain of keeping Cheney's "heart" operational.

White House professional spokesliar Scott McCellan refused to comment on these upcoming events, and expertly deflected questions about how the White House would function in this absolute vaccuum of leadership.

In Hell, however, the Prince of Darkness was available with this comment. "I am looking forward to Mr. Cheney's tenure in hell with great anticipation," remarked Satan, "and he has been welcomed to our lowest level with open arms. Heaven knows, I could use the competition. Already, Mr. Cheney has impressed all his hell-mates with his baby-eating prowess. I suspect we are all in for a very long, fun-filled eternity in this dour, evil little man's company. Let the chainsaw rapes begin!"



















(Er... You remember in the year 2000 when Al Gore was elected by the majority of Americans and Fox News simply declared Bush president and then all the news outlets just followed with the same bogus information until it actually became true? Same principle applies here.)

The perils of EBaying when you are hammered

Oh, crap. How embarrassing.

Recently my brilliant and beautiful young protoge CB Cebulski, who normally blogs on such fascinating subjects as booze and his cats, blogged on the dangers of "drunk dialing." That is, getting hammered and calling up old friends you haven't talked to in ages. Fortunatley, I think my days of drunk dialing are in the past. Most of the people I communicate with I do by IM and Email, and I've got about a literal handful of friends from my youth I still keep in periodic contact with. The truth is, most people, when they get to be my advanced age, are married or with kids and are boring and insipid as all hell. The very last thing I ever need to hear is how you are the first person to ever discover the miracle of childbirth, and how your little brat completes you in a way that you never though possible. If I ever become that person, promise me --PROMISE ME-- you'll put a hollow-point to the back of my head.

Anyway, getting back on the subject, there is clearly a much more insidious danger than "drunk dialing." It's drunk ebaying. The other night I came home from a festive evening of enjoying refreshing spirits with my ol' pal Superfrankenstein. On a whim, I started looking around ebay, and I found a little rarity I thought would be a bit pricey at $10, but still I was buzzed enough to bid.

Of course, being a drunk ass I did not really READ the ebay description, so I didn't realize I was spending 10 or so POUNDS instead of dollars. So I ended up paying double. Worse, the bidder... IN ENGLAND... does not accept Paypal, so I have to go through all this shit to get him my money, and it's gonna take an eternity to get what I bid on.

Man, do I feel like I dumbass. And the worst part of it, in retrospect, was what I actually won.

Please by kind in your responses.

Poor old Layman!

Layman Movie Review: HELLEVATOR: THE BOTTLED FOOLS

Damn, dude. This movie was gooooood.

It's weird, 'cause I've seen Battle Royale recently, which just freakin' kicks ass (I'd post a review, but I don't have enough superlatives in my vocabulary, plus I just bought a copy on ebay and I want to see it at least another time before discussing it.) Anyway, I thought that just about covers my nut for awesome, kick-ass hyperviolent Japanese action movies, plus, how good can a movie titled "Hellevator" be? Boy, was I wrong. This movie was bad-ass!

It was cool and visually stylish and unsettling, and I thought I had this thing figured out and it kept going in different and surprising directions. At first I thought it was just a quirky rip-off of Turbulence, but set on a futuristic elevator instead of a plane, where a psycho-prisoner transport goes terribly wrong. And it was, but there was a lot more two it, especially as you get to know everybody trapped on the elevator, each person having some disturbing element to their personality or backstory. I kept thinking the thing would peter out and start sucking, especially as the body count got higher and higher and there were progressively less characters, but I think it kept getting better and better, or at least staying just as good.

Granted, it was gory as all hell in places. But I can take it.



Plus, I really liked the ending, which was pretty ambiguous, without being a complete mindfuck. I mean, I figure there is two ways to approach the ending, which can be happy or sad, just depending on your interpretation. Me, I have a happy interpretation, but your mileage may vary.

There's a lot more to it, but I don't want to give away too much. Psychics and secret agents and mad scientist and a briefcase full of money and cute Japanese girls and oddles of splattered blood. The original title is "Gusher No Binds Me." I don't know what the hell that means, but that sounds pretty cool too.



I TOTALLY recommend this, to the non-faint-of-heart.

I wonder if Charlie Chu liked it.

On Sale Today: Gambit TPB #2: HATH NO FURY

Zombies, Brother Voodoo, a sex tape and a guest appearence by the X-Men.

Good stuff!

The Layman Lego Project: Castle

Because you can't get enough of it: More Layman Lego project, including 3 Castle sets that range from 1990-2005.







Plus! The Layman Lego Project website has been updated.

GeorgeBushDoesntCare AboutBlackPeople.mp3

My new favorite song. By the Legendary K.O.

Pass it on!




(Note: Image stolen from some guy on the Bendis boards.)

Rufus demands equal time for The Black

Query: How can somebody be such a little fucker at the same time they are being such a little angel?

God damn! It just doesn't get any cuter than this!!!

Reginald James Bucket, cold chillin' in effect!

Biff! Pow! Comic books aren't just for kids.

Got some free time and a high-speed connection?

Oni has posted the first 24 page of Armageddon & Son here.

on sale today: House of M Fantastic Four #3

On sale yesterday in Cana-duh.

Armageddon & Son PR

There's an article at Newsarama about my first original graphic novel, drawn by Dave Dumeer.

Layman Movie Review: DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN

Um... would you believe I did NOT hate this? I'm still in shock myself. There was no end to the amount of shit I gave my roommate for Netflixing this one, and I pointed her toward one abyssmal review after another. Simply to punish my roommate, who still cannot see what it obviously clear (that she should leave the Netflixing to me,) I put the movie on on my laptop and we watched it on a Labor Day trip to Northern California.

Don't get me wrong. The movie was not good. It was poorly written, it had a Christain adgenda, and I don't really fit in the demographic of mad, black, woman or diary-writer. But I'll admit, it had a few funny moments. And I just fast foward through the treacle and all the Jesus bits. The cross dressing gun toting grandma was funny, as was the pot-smoking ol' perv played by the same actor.

Anyway, it got me through the airline flight and I had way low expectations. And it was much better than the online reviews led me to believe (Again, don't confuse this with a recommendation... I'm just saying there is a lot worse stuff out there.)

Remain calm.

I'm suspending blogging for a day or two so I don't descend into raving lunacy (some may argue I have already reached that point.)

But there is no denying that Reggie is very cute.

Sorry, but I just can't stop blogging about this stuff (updated)

1. Count Fox News to give us a fair and balanced look at Katrina. Here's an article on their web site, "Katrina pummels both Rich and Poor." Hmm. I wonder how many rich people weren't able to get the fuck out of dodge before the hurricane hit. I wonder how many of them don't have housing or health insurance. I wonder how many of them have starved to death. Oh, and poor old Trent Lott lost his home. Looks like this is a good case for more tax cuts for the rich.

2. Meanwhile, Condi Rice buys a new pair of shoes. Well, gosh, if she can afford to spend thousand of dollars on shoes while this is going on, just imagine what her Red Cross donation is going to be. (Thanks to eagle-eyed Bollah Blog reader Jason P. for the link!)



3. The fourth paragraph of this story is absolutely horrendous, surely the worst thing to come out of an already terrible, terrible event: (In the New Orleans Convention Center) At least two people, including a child, have been raped as the arena darkened at night. At least three people have died, including one man who jumped 50 feet to his death, saying he had nothing left to live for.

4. My roommate sent me an article about cops looting to, but she didn't send me the link. And I just gotta tear myself away from all this. I'm literally feeling physically ill. The article above already has me on the verge of freakin' puking (I have a weak stomach for this sort of stuff.)

5. Oh, what the hell. One more: House Speaker Dennis Hastert dropped a bombshell on flood-ravaged New Orleans on Thursday by suggesting that it isn’t sensible to rebuild the city. So... uh, we can't "cut and run" in Iraq, but we can in one of America's most beautiful and historic cities? Fuck you, Hasturd. He also asks, ""How do you go about rebuilding this city? What precautions do you take?" How about giving the city the funding it needed for flood prevention, asshole?

Dogcatcher responds:

You would not walk a mile outside of the TOURIST AREAS of New Orleans when they had a fully operating police force, so your downplaying of the crime situation there now is laughable -- and goes to show you can do the same contortions our Prez does for his many illusions. And you think they're just hitting Circuit City? Why don't you put your personal posessions out there and see how long they last with you guarding them --or for that matter how long you last. Get real or stick with the fantasy world.
--The DogCatcher


A more than fair point, DogCatcher (other than you assuming I am some sort of wuss, other than the total bad-ass that I am.) Actually looting of people's houses in inexcusable and unforgivable. My outrage on this point (which I should have clarified) is primary toward people like Sean Hannity, seeing people with nothing but the shirts on their back taking shoes from a flood-ravaged Foot Locker and asking "hypothetically" if "these people should be shot."

I will also say, as a person whose parents lost a home to a flood in 1996, and who was on hand for the recovery effort, and who also was in a flood in 1986, and part of that clean-up effort, that the devastation is inconcievable (and this was just a flood, not a hurricane.) The worst things to lose are the things like wedding photos, yearbooks, baby pictures, prom pictures. Pretty much everything else can be replaced. (Er, and pets, too. We lost a kitty in that flood, its corpse found floating in the bedroom closet.) Had what remained of our house been looted, I doubt I would have words for the sense of despair and violation I would have felt.

Katrina thoughts and recommended reading

<
Man, I'm getting pretty freaking worked up about the things I've been reading, and figure this is as good a place as any to vent.

1. Here's a link to a CNN story about people starving at the New Orleans Convention Center and dropping over dead. Now, I've been able to take a plane from Seattle to New Orleans in under 5 hours. It's been several DAYS since the hurricane. Why hasn't the Army been able to fly over there with helicopters and drop off MREs?
A friend made the point that it's been reported somebody took a shot at a helicopter. First off, that strikes me as the sort of unsubstanciated bullshit that one network reported, and everybody else raced to report not to lose the story. How many times was it reported that WMD were found in Iraq, which turned out to be bullsht. And even if it WAS true, it's probably just some idiot with a handgun, not some SEAL-trained expert sniper. Aren't Army helicopters built to withstand a bullet or two, especially when thousands of innocent lives are in the line? It's not like these pilots are being asked to fly into a combat zone, which I'm sure routinely happens in Iraw and Afganistan.

2. Here's an article about how FEMA warned that a hurricane striking New Orleans was one of the three most likely disasters in the U.S. But the Bush administration cut New Orleans flood control funding by 44 percent to pay for the Iraq war. Here's another about FEMA gutted for Homeland Security and flood projects delayed for lack of funding.

3. White people "find" food. Black people "loot. Keep in mind, any store that wasn't insured is screwed no matter what. And stores that are insured are just gonna throw out their merchandise, because it is flood-damaged and take the insurance rather than sell it.

4. Scroll down to The Rude Pundit's 8/31 column about how Bush can use this disaster to pull our troops out of Iraq, without giving the cowardly impression that we are "cutting and running." If "President" Fuckface got up and made a speech about how America comes first in a time of crisis, nobody on the left or right could disagree. But what do you want to bet he's too stuborn to do that?

5. Nearly A THOUSAND people died yesterday in Iraq, in a stampede of people in fear of a suicide bomber, and it's already nearly fallen out of the news cycles. (Note: there were no suicide bombers in Iraq before the U.S. invaded.) However, on CNN, "Connick, DeGeneres sound off on Katrina." Of course, the America media is incapable of juggling two stories at one time, so there is no mention of it. But if there was no Katrina, what would be more important? 1000 dead in Iraq or the arrest in a case related to some drunk white college chick in Aruba. The right tells us we have to stay in Iraq to give Iraqis democrazy. But 1000 innocent citizens are dead, and the truth is we simply don't give a fuck, Katrina or no Katrina.

6. Here is an article on how Iraq and Afghanistan is shaping up to be the third-most expensive war in United States history. Katrina is supposed to cost $25 billion to rebuild the damage and the Iraq war has already cost 12 times that much. What do you want to bet that the Gulf Coast does not even see all of that 25 billion.

7. And of course, there is this, which you should visit daily.

Fucking sickening, is what it is. And I look forward to mental contortions various Bush-supporters will make to refute any and all of the above. Bring it on, bitches!

Rufus seems to be doing much better.

Thanks especially to Julia Stiles, a regular reader and outspoken fan of this blog, for the fruit basket and the cute little "get well" card.


Everybody loves ol' Rufus!