Richard Cheney, 1941-2005:
WASH D.C.: Compounding problems for an already beleagered White House, Vice President Dick Cheney passed away next week, due to complications resulting from an upcoming aneurism surgery. The bad news? Mr. Cheney passed away quietly in his sleep. An autoposy has revealed no solid answers to this happy turn of events, revealing only what was already known; that his black shiveled pea of a heart had up until now been kept operational by five bionic, nuclear pacemakers, none of which could keep up with the overwhelming strain of keeping Cheney's "heart" operational.
White House professional spokesliar Scott McCellan refused to comment on these upcoming events, and expertly deflected questions about how the White House would function in this absolute vaccuum of leadership.
In Hell, however, the Prince of Darkness was available with this comment. "I am looking forward to Mr. Cheney's tenure in hell with great anticipation," remarked Satan, "and he has been welcomed to our lowest level with open arms. Heaven knows, I could use the competition. Already, Mr. Cheney has impressed all his hell-mates with his baby-eating prowess. I suspect we are all in for a very long, fun-filled eternity in this dour, evil little man's company. Let the chainsaw rapes begin!"
(Er... You remember in the year 2000 when Al Gore was elected by the majority of Americans and Fox News simply declared Bush president and then all the news outlets just followed with the same bogus information until it actually became true? Same principle applies here.)