Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Here comes another.... HALL OF H2O HERO... UPDATED!!

Dear Mister Rumsfeld,
I know your boy George is too busy giving tax breaks to the rich and oil and energy companies to be able to buy our soldiers body armor and reinforced transportaton, but at the low, low prices of Aquafina Sparkling, how can we afford not to send that revefreshing beverage over to them? I understand it gets pretty hot over there.

Yrs. trly,
Mr. T.M. Layman, Esquire, D.D.S.

Today's blog posting takes a patriotic theme, a we raise a delicious bottle to all those men and women stuck overseas for this bullshit war we are in.

We also dip into the mailbag, to answer a question raised by a curious little blogger who goes by the name of SOUP... OR FRANKENSTEIN?

He ax:
To the universally esteemed and beloved Mr. Layman,

If it were proven beyond a reasonable doubt that a known terrorist drank Aquafina®, would that lessen your enthusiasm for the product?

Follow up: If the answer to the first question is 'no,' what it would take to get you to hate Aquafina®?

I remain forever in awe of your awesome blog,

I'm glad you asked this question. The truth is, it is impossible for a terrorist to drink Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime or Berry flavored water, because its purity is so strong it overwhelms all evil. Forget Red Bull giving you wings. As millions of Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime or Berry flavored water drinkers can attest, drinking Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime or Berry flavored water is a magical, transcendent experience. It is so pure and refreshing and delightful that anyone who drinks Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime or Berry flavored water can rise above all the troubles of this mundane, Muggle, mortal world. It's it the closest thing we humans may ever know to making love to an elf. Or a unicorn***. If Osama Bin Laden were to drink Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime or Berry flavored water, it would surely change his world view. No longer would he send his followers to blow shit up with visions of 72 virgins in the afterlife. Instead, they would blow shit up for 72 bottles of Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime or Berry flavor delivered to them, icy cold in the the afterlife.

Have I made my point?

***Not counting the time Tom B. Long glued a sugar cone to a Palomino in a clumsey, desperate act of fantasy fulfillment.


Hey! Arrowhead flavored sparkling bottled water is pretty good too!


Tom said...

My response.

.just.a.ghost. said...

I take baths using Aquafina bottled sparkling "Layman"-Lime flavored water. Makes my skin soft and silky.

.just.a.ghost. said...

And then I took pictures and sent them to the troops...

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Layman,

Regarding your efforts to import Aquafina from India: yes, it is true that a bottle of Aquafina costs only 12 rupees (about $0.28 US) in most locations throughout India. However, we must decline your plan to have cases of this fine product shipped to you in the US. Although certainly beneficial to your budgetary endeavors, we can only say, that is what you suckers get for living in a marketing cyclone gone mad country where the same bottle filled with water purified to the same standards runs about $1.15 in the local CircleK. Love always, India.
(Please be sure and post the time and location of your public protests against this travesty of justice and frugal conservatism and I will be sure and join you once I return to the US. --thor)