Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Take the John Layman coolness test

I got this idea after talking to B. Clay Moore, the day I lost all respect for him. Diligently returning to this blog, like all good Laym-o-philes, the delusional Clay pointed out to me that he actually liked the Beatles, and then referred me to a link on his forum at the Image site, where he has his top favorite albums. His taste was horrible. He might as well have listed 20 Beatles albums, for the damage he did to my psyche.

This weekend, as my wife and I traveled to Cana-duh, we put together our own list of favorite albums, and albums that might have been especially important to or influencial on our lives. As I came up with the following list, I thought it would be a good way for you, the great unwashed masses, to tell how cool you are. Please note, I have only including one album per favorite band. You get one point for each album you possess, but if you don't have that album, but still one or more albums from that band, you may give yourself a half a point (so you only get a max half point, even if you have multiple albums, unless you have the album that I named.) The first three albums are worth two points, as they are my all-time favorites.

Layman's Top 20 Albums
1. THE CRAMPS "Stay Sick" (worth two points)
2. MR. BUNGLE "Mr. Bungle" (worth two points)
3. ALICE DONUT "The Untidy Suicides of Your Degenerate Children" (worth two points)

(note: all other albums are worth a single point, and in not in particular order of preference)
4. ICE-T "O.G."
6. PIXIES* "Dolittle" (*allow yourself a half point PER Frank Black solo album as a bonus.)
7. PUBLIC ENEMY "It Takes a Nation of Millions"
8. RANCID "And Out Come the Wolves"
9. THE THE "Dusk"
10. THE CLASH "1977"
11. FAITH NO MORE "Angel Dust"
12. LOVAGE "Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By"
13. URSULA 1000 "Kinda Kinky"
14. RAMONES "Brain Drain"
15. PRIMUS "Frizzle Fry"
16. TOM WAITS "Big Time"
17. SEX PISTOLS "Never Mind the Bullocks"
18. WHITE ZOMBIE ... uh, I forget the name of the album. One point (max) awarded to any (and all) White Zombie Albums
19. CYPRESS HILL "Black Sunday"
20. THE CULT "The Cult."

OKAY... tally your results. Scoring is as followed.
0-1: You are the lowest form of humanity on the face of the Earth. You are pure scum. Go hang your head in shame, you miserable dunderhead.
2-6: Still not much hope for you. I bet your DVD collection is lame as hell, too.
7-10: You are starting to approach cool, though you still have miles and miles to go. Likely, whatever little coolness you have will be recognized posthumously.
11-14: You are cool, but still wearing training wheels.
15-16: You are dope, approaching fly.
17: This is an abberation. You're STILL an asshole. Either get rid of one of your albums, or buy another one, quick!
18-20: You are fit to stand in the presence of Layman.
21-23: Truly, you are a rock god, and a man among men.


Brenz said...

I did way better on that test than I thought I would. But I think I should probably neglect my Ursula 1000 points since I don't have the album, just the title track mp3 downloaded from their website. But then I should get it back because I was referred to that site by the director of the Kinda Kinky video.

Plus I agree 150% about Radiohead and Pink Floyd below. Yessirree, I'm a rock demigod...

Anonymous said...

I got four points.

And John Layman can bite me.

-B. Clay Moore

Tom said...

Four and a HALF!

In your FACE, B. Clay Moore!


Mark said...

Turns out I'm pretty cool, but thats not how you spell "bollocks". Or maybe you just have a thing about young, gelded bovine.

Tom said...

As long as you're doing this, my Twenty-One Greatest Acts Of All Time (and you'll hate most of them) are probably: Elvis Costello, followed by The Beatles (yes, the Beatles), Badly Drawn Boy, Beck, John Coltrane, DJ Shadow, Bob Dylan, Neil Finn (from Crowded House & Split Enz), The Kinks, Oasis, PJ Harvey, Primal Scream, Thelonious Monk, Liz Phair, Radiohead (yes, Radiohead), The Sex Pistols, The Smiths, The Streets, Supergrass, Underworld, The White Stripes.
Greatest albums by people not on the list: The Clash by The Clash and Moon Safari by Air.

John, give yourself half a point if you own an album by any of these people.

0-1: You are the lowest form of humanity on the face of the Earth. You are pure scum. Go hang your head in shame, you miserable dunderhead.

2-6: Still not much hope for you. I bet your DVD collection is lame as hell, too.

No way you're scoring any higher.

Heidi MacDonald said...

I am at like 12 points or something, but your entire listis invalidated by the appearance of WHITE ZOMBIE. Kee-rist, man there was never a cheesier band in history, and I saw them back at The Club With No Name on their first tour.


"crusher" said...

SuperFrank: Yeah, I got a 2. And neither are loaded onto my iPod.

Anonymous said...

Layman gave me a 5 point headstart last night and I got a total of 5.

Then again I do own virtually everything Radiohead have ever put out :)

Mark P

Matt said...

Dude, BIG TIME is far from Waits' best album. And only the frontinest fronter would choose that over RAIN DOGS or SWORDFISHTROMBONES or REAL GONE. Hell, it's not even his best live show (there's a couple from 1999-2000 that are great. I might be persuaded to hook you up with copies. Maybe.)

I'm not even going to discuss Rancid. No way.

Anonymous said...

Arabian gulf

Anonymous said...

I do not own a single one of these albums and I probably wouldn't want to-with the exception of the Clash. However, because I am a close personal friend of the "great and powerful" Layman, I have beat all of the above in the "coolness" category.

Neener neener and so there-great words to live by from a certain 7yr old I know...