Saturday, April 22, 2006

CRIME OF THE CENTURY

As I mentioned yesterday, a member of my family fell victim to an act of savage violence. What makes it worse it that it originated from within: Yes, the ugly specter of domestic violence reared its ugly, multi-pronged head.

Let's examine the case, shall we, and see if we can make sense of it:

THE VICTIM:
One Reginald James Poggles, AKA Reggie

THE CRIME:
Somebody scratched Reggie's cute little button nose!



THE SUSPECTS:


THE SPITEFUL STEP-SISTER.
Bumble Buzz is the obvious culprit. She has little patience for other members of the household, and particular distain for little Reggie. Bumble Buzz likes her master, and that's just about it. But would she goes so far as to maul her young brother's perfect face?




THE SECRET GIRLFRIEND:
Rufus plays coy, but it's clear she and Reggie have a "thing" going on the side. Unfortunately, Rufus is about as high-maintainence as they come. Could this have been a crime of passion?




THE UNSTABLE BEST FRIEND:
Reggie's best friend Batty would surely not resort to violence against her compatriot? However, keep in mind that Batty has ben showing evidence of demensia, and is currently undergoing a variety of psychotropic medicines. If Batty is the purr-petrator, will she get off by using the insanity defense?




THE WICKED STEPMOTHER:
Often seen in the kitchen ultilizing a variety of sharpened cooking utencils, the suspect has shown nothing in the way of remorse, and has been enjoying a Duke Lacross-esque "blame the victim" defense, downplaying Reggie's horrific injuries, and saying "he probably had it coming." She also has made repeated claims that the victim is "arrogant."



U-DECIDE:
We've presented the facts of the case, the suspects and the motives. Now it's time for YOU to sound off about who is the guilty party. Remember, only on the internet does your vote count. This ain't Florida or Ohio. Who was the monster that perpetrated this dreadful crime?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think it was an act of self-mutilation to get attention.

Anonymous said...

How come no one's looking at the eerily doting father, John "Bennet Ramsey" Layman?
Signed,
Charlene the Pageant Judge

(moe) said...

Thus begins CSI:Layman

El Chriz said...

Poor, poor Reggie