Friday, April 28, 2006

Layman movie review: UNITED 93


Ug. I just got back from an advance VIP screening of United 93, and I'll say the same thing about this movie as I did Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List and Meet The Fockers: This movie was not funny at all.

In the six years since the events of September 11th (or 91/1, as it is better known,) one thing is certain: America needs to heal. And what has more resortative healing power than the magic that is laughter? United 93 certainly has potential as a movie, but I have a sure-fire suggestion on how to make it better. You know those "mash-up" songs that consist of TWO different songs put together into one single AWESOME song? They should do the same with United 93, and the other definitive classic movie of the airline genre: Soul Plane.

Taking three-year old hit comedy of summer 2004 and "mashing" it with United 93 would be a sure-fire way to draw in the coveted 18-25 demographic. ESPECIALLY if the mash-up included segments from the saucy "unrated and out of control" edition, where they show lots of big naked boobies in the hot tub in the plane's lower "dance club" level.


Imagine the laughs when Mo'Nique, fresh from her recent silver-screen triumph Phat Girlz, plays the amorous airport security guard Jamiqua, who dishes out the sass even while she's grabbin' that ass! Sure, it's her fault when the terrorists get through the metal detector and onto the plane on her watch, but as a world-class writer, I know how important it is to a movie to have a sympathetic character. Who could stay mad at Mo'Nique when she's delighting us with her antics and wisecracks? Fat girls are horn-dogs! OMFG-- I think I just spit up Coke through my nose 'cause I wuz laughing so hard!


Meanwhile, America's favorite ganja-hound and rapper, Snoop Doggie Dogg, plays the tragically doomed airline pilot Antoine Mack. Sure, Al-Queda puts a bullet in head before the beginning of the second reel, but first Snoop, in a hot second, is "hittin' them switches and gettin' this bitch pumpin' and jumpin'." Awesome! He also makes the plane bounce like a low rider as it takes off on the runaway to its inevitable doom. Hysterical!!


And finally, Tom Arnold plays Mr. Hunkee, with the hottie daughter and the hip-hop son. What's more, he is also poignant metaphor for the "pre-September 11th" mindset of America, before the tragic events, which, coincidentally, took place on the same day. And it will be Tom Arnold, in his everyman role as the Passenger Who Dared to Defy Al Queda, who will teach of the real meaning of the word sacrifice, and inspire us and generations to come with what it means to be a Hero.

Anyway, if I were the director of United 93, that's what I would have done to "keep it real."

Hollywood, if you are looking for me, I'll be standing outside by the mailbox, waiting for my check.

10 comments:

Sententia said...

The movie is not meant to be funny. It is to serve as a memorial to those who died on the flight. It is to help Americans remember that United Airlines Flight 93 was the first battle on the War on Terrorism. And they succeeded.

(moe) said...

Sententia got kicked out of Irony College.

Tom said...

Crusher, people like you are the problem. You can't laugh at anything without a laugh track that tells you when to laugh. You're a puppet of a robot who needs to be told. Well, United 93 is sophisticated, like "The Larry Sanders Show." There's no laugh track and that makes it better!

But I guess it's over your head.

Anonymous said...

sententia is also a clueless dick face. "War of Terror"? War is an armed conflict between nations, states or groups of people. Terrorism is a tactic used by people or nations. Oooooooo, War on Terror, rah rah rah! Hey why not boycott rain while you're at it, stupid shit. Memorial, shit, nothing like honoring the dead with a profit margin. If we could export stupidity, we'd be able to pay off Bush's "war" debt.

congolia said...

Oh snap! No he didn't, oh no he didn't!

Brian Reed said...

This is why Layman is a genius. I would have gone for the easy joke and said "Airplane!" But, no, this man went for "Soul Plane" and displayed enough knowledge of the subject material that I almost believe he watched it. And watching Soul Plane? That takes balls, folks.

Reel Fanatic said...

Excellent stuff ... Realizing the potential of an overlooked "Soul Plane" is something we all need

Anonymous said...

Does this post mean there's been a lull in the war against nose-scratching?

.just.a.ghost. said...

All jokes aside... I thought this movie should of never been made, and if it did all the profit should go straight to charity. I don't care what charity, just charity.

I think this movie is clearly taking advantage of people's emotion much like Passion of the Christ.

N. J. Pozner said...

Oh my god, Layman. This is why you are who you are. Nothing is sacred.

From what I've read, this project is pretty respectful and not as sensationalistic as it could be. Paul Greenglass is a good filmmaker.

And I do believe the studio is giving a percentage of the gross to charity.