The Flea Amigos

3cats
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

My one-word review of Constantine

Eh.

Holy crapoli! Check this shizz out!

Selections for Lego's new Dino Hunt line, which debuted this week at NY's Toy Fair.

And yeah, you better believe I'm gonna have every damn one of these.

OUTRAGES COMPOUND: VATICAN IGNORES LAYMAN APPEAL

HUGE NEWS: LAYMAN CALLS ON POPE TO STEP DOWN, URGES REFORM

Pope John Paul II, if you are reading this (and I know you are!)... John Layman urges you to step down.

Everybody on the face of the planet knows you're about a hiccup away from death. Step down, dude. You've served your purpose. You carrying on as Pope when you are wheezing walking death isn't inspiring, it just makes the Catholic Church look more obstinate and old and obsolete than ever.

Just quit. And if you need an excuse, tell 'em Layman told your rickety ass to.






Oh, here's an odd, true story, since we're sorta on the subject. Do you know I actually met Mother Theresa? Well, maybe not "met," but I stood in the same room with her and looked at her, from about four feet away. It was about 1 a.m., and in a darkened hospital and everything was quiet and I suppose even a little bit spooky (I was kinda freaked out because I knew I'd get in trouble if I was caught in her hospital ICU room.) It was weird, because I was keenly aware that this old, unconscious old woman would likely be made into a saint, and it sure as hell would be the only time on this Earth I'd be anywhere near a saint again. It all made for a very weird energy in the room, a bizarre mix of paranoid and profound, and it's probably the closest thing to a "religious experience" that I ever have had.

I wonder if the people in Ol' Popey's hospital room are going through the same thing.

The one true path to love and happiness

Click below, and your heart will soar!

Angels asleep

DSCN0862
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

More Vitriol for Kiera Knightly

I forgot to mention this when I was talking about the Pirates of Carribean commentary, and this blog message is especially for Kiera Knightly.

Here's a news flash, you daffy chick; people who watch audio commentaries have ALREADY SEEN THE MOVIE. You don't have to act like you dance around what's going to happen, because we've ALREADY SEEN THE MOVIE. We ALREADY KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. Nobody –NOBODY!– watches a commentary before the actual movie. Holy crap... Are you actually retarded enough you believe otherwise, or was that acting?

My valentine for you (late)

Crap... I saved this as a draft, intending to post it for valentines day... then I forgot.

So here you go, click below, my sweet, sweet valentine.

Layman movie commentary review: PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

Ok, this isn't really a movie review so much as a commentary on DVD commentaries. We bought an elliptical machine and turned our downstairs bedroom into a little gym. We bought a cheap DVD and TV, and I've been excersizing my fat ass daily, while watching various DVDs, particularly the commentaries. I'm ashamed to admit I watched all the Star Wars movies, their commentaries, anyway, and George Lucas is as big a fathead idiot as I thought him too be-- he really has no idea how and why Episodes I and II suck.

Anyway, I also watched the Pirates of the Carribean, which has three -count 'em- three commentary tracks.

The first one I watched was Johnny Depp and the director, which was as tedious a commentary track as I've ever come across. First of all, both were mumblers, so I had the TV on full blast and couldn't hear shit. Worse, both had similar sounding voices and so you couldn't tell who was saying what. Then, they only talked about boring shit. I hate when people on commentaries forget that they are there to at TRY to be entertaining. Instead, you had either Johnny Depp or the director, Gore Verbinski, or whoever, saying shit like, "oh, this was filmed on the day that fred the lighting engineer got seasick, and helga told him he should take such and such medicine." Who the fuck cares? Say something interesting about the movie, and if you're going to name drop, talk about somebody who we might potentially give a crap about.

But it got worse. The second track was Kiera Knightley. A pretty girl, but, holy crap, she opens her mouth, and you just want to run for the hills. You ever see My Fair Lady, when the Cockney Chick Eliza Doolittle had the awful, screeching high-pitched Brit accent? THAT'S Kiera Knightly's normal voice. I imagine some guy getting a date with her, and all stoked since she's a good lookingl and all, then getting to the restaurant or where ever the date is supposed to be; Keira opens her mouth and it's like fingernails on a blackboard and you just can't get away from her fast enough.

The third commentary was the writers, which was actually interesting. After the first two commentaries I was pretty sick of the movie, but the writer guys were actually interesting enough it drew me back in. And I have to say, it is a pretty good movie. There's a lot of subtlety and nuance you catch with repeat viewings.

So there's that. Next up: A review of Kill Bill 1 and 2, since I finally got around to Netflixing Vol. 2.

RIP Hunter S. Thompson RIP Raoul Duke

Hunter S. Thompson was one of the writers who made ME want to be a writer.

He's also the guy who made me not afraid to do drugs.

He's the guy who made me not afraid to mix drug, and I can recall more than a few road trips and adventures, to Las Vegas and other places, that had me on some savage drug-fueled adventure where I tried to recreate my own wild and insane "Fear and Loathing" Adventure.

"Make a beast of yourself to forget the pain of being a man." A great quote, and words to live by, at least during my college and post-college years.

Shit, man. Shit.

Holy fucking shit: So long, Hunter

Dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, CNN says.

Correction: Turns out Eric DeSantis is not actually dead

he's said he was just "sleepy."



My bad.

Layman comic pimpage: Small Gods Killing Grin

I have a rule that I don't really talk about other comics on this site. I think it's one thing to pimp your own shit, but I think it's kinda unseemly to actually give comic reviews, and boring to give comics opinions.Being a comics professional, I don't want to diss fellow creators, or companies that might potentially employ me. I guess I could talk about comics I like or am reading, but then you'd pretty much figure out what I don't like by omission, right? I have several "internet columnist" friends, and I think the worst thing they can do is be real vocal about comics that suck and then expect a comic company to hire them. Anyway, that's why I don't usually talk about comics other than my own stuff.

Which brings me to SMALL GODS, a comic from Image, with six issues out and a recently released TPB, KILLING GRIN. I wrote the introduction to the trade. Image asked me to, and it's my first introduction for anything that isn't my own. Anyway, it's a good book, sci-fi, about telepathic cops in a world where people have psionics (actually, that description doesn't give it justice... but kiss my ass and go read the book yourself.)

An embarrassing admission: I usually skip introductions, as they are pretentious nonsense most of the time. But I keep mine short, and at least tried to make it entertaining.

a sneek peak at Gambit #10: Coming in April... or maybe May

Perhaps my favorite issue yet, surpassing Issue #5, my previous favorite.

Layman movie review: BULLY

I got this movie for X-mas from Tom B. (The-"B"-Is-For-"Beee-otch") Long. He and I have kinda gotten in the habit of exchanging DVDs on X-mas and I usually send him something cool and awesome and he usually sends me somethingn perverted and twisted --perhaps because I am cool and awesome, and Tom B. (The-"B"-Is-For-"Beee-otch") Long is perverted and twisted.

Anyway, I got a shitload of DVDs for X-mas, and I've yet to even scratch the surface of them, but one night when my roommate was out of town I stuck in Tom's movie, BULLY, which I had never heard of. I had pretty low expectations ('cause it was from Tom,) but I gotta admit, the movie was goddamn compelling from the first minute I couldn't turn it off.

BULLY is from the same guy who did KIDS, which, I admit, I never saw. It's like that movie 13 that came out last year, supposed to be shocking cause it's kids who swear and drink and smoke pot and have sex. BULLY is pretty much the same thing, except these kids not only swear and drink and smoke pot and have sex, but they also kill one of their members, the BULLY character alluded to in the title. Once I looked on the cover of the DVD, I saw that Ebert and weasley little Roeper both gave it two thumbs up, and one even called it a "masterpiece." I know a lot of people like to diss Ebert, and while I don't always agree with him, at least I have respect for his opinions. Anyway BULLY is thoroughly unpleasant, but it's definitely worth seeing (not sure how many repeat viewing it would merit, though.)

You know what would be a good companion double feature to this? RIVER'S EDGE, starring a ridiculously young Keenua Reeves. It's sort of the same principle, of a bunch of fuck-up kids, only in RIVER'S EDGE they kill somebody and everybody is just utterly apathic and blase about it. In BULLY, all these fuck-up kids plot this murder, but once the murder actually occurs, they all totally freak out and puss out. Anyway, thanks, Tom (You beee-otch). I guess now I'm sorta in the mood to see RIVER'S EDGE.

I haven't been able to blog 'cause I'm so sad about Eric DeSantis

fuck that guy.

LET'S ROCK!!!!!

RIP ERIC DESANTIS:RETURNED TO THE SWEET EMBRACE OF THE BABY JESUS

You know, it's one thing when 87-year-old actor Ossie Davis passes away or late-80-something comic creator Will Eisner. Both had long, full lives, and while we regret their passing, we can't exactly say "he was taken from us too soon." What's sadder is when somebody is cut down in their prime, especially when that somebody is vibrant and brimming over with health, enthusiasm, generousity, life and love.

ERIC DESANTIS: 1976-2005
The flame the burns so bright, alas, burns so brief.


I knew Eric back in my days with Wildstorm, back in the salad days before DC bought the company. Eric was yet another Wildstorm editor that was a TERRIBLE speller (I'm another one, but I'm dyslexic, so I have an excuse.) Eric loved comics, he was kind to children and small animals, and always had a kind word on the tip of his tongue and a smile on his face. And the only thing on earth that Eric hated was racism, injustice, and apples.

Yes, if you knew Eric, surely you know that the only thing on Earth he both reviled and feared were apples. Fresh apples intimidated him, cowed him, and enraged him. In my callous youth I would leave a fresh apple on his desk, not expecting the TERRIFIED reaction would have against this "forbidden fruit." He was okay with apple pie, strangly enough. He considered apples that were cooked and cut to be "tamed." But a single fresh apple was just about the worst thing that Eric could concieve. Green Granny Smith apples were more abhorrant to him than red apples, too.

Anyway, we hope to have more details about Eric's mysterious and ironic passing as it becomes available. If you happen to be witness to the tragedy that occurred, if you got the license number of that truck, PLEASE call and make a report. Eric's family and many, many loved ones would appreciate it.

STOP THE PRESSES: BATTY IS BETTER!!!

Wishes for fishes
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Batty did not sneeze once today, and seemed to be acting completely better. YAY! Go Batty!

A couple Gambit #7 reviews

Some nice reviews of Gambit #7 popped up on the web.

Hannibal Tabu over at UGO continues to like Gambit, though it clearly pains him to admit it (which causes me great joy.) He says "How the heck is John Layman turning this title into something readable? It boggles the mind..." Here.

And over at the X-Axis, as he does every month, Paul O'Brien spends the first 75% of his review begging for Marvel to render me unemployed, then admits the book is a "fun read." Here. I kinda imagine Paul O'Brien like I do somebody with Tourette's Syndrome, but instead of cussing, all he does is spout out how much Gambit needs to be cancelled. I bet he says it to the mailman when he passes him by in the street, says it when he is ordering fast food at the drive-through, or whenever he answers the phone and gets a wrong number.

Finally, there is X-Fan, with the most positive review of all, from W. Molstad, saying the issue "Hits the mark! A must-have for fans of (Gambit)" before going on to say me and fellow writer David Hine have "the potential to be future Marvel superstars." Ain't nothing wrong with that! That review is here.

Anyway, that's all I found. If anybody else finds any reviews (as opposed to fans posting synopsies and calling them reviews,) feel free to let me know.

I LOVE YOU, I MISSED YOU, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU

I fixed my iPod!

HEALTH UPDATE: BATTY IS STILL SICK

Wishes for fishes
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Well, it's been several days, and Batty does not seem to be getting any better. She has an appettite, but her eyes are kinda glasses, and she is sneezing up a storm. If there is not a dramatic improvement by tomorrow I'll be bringing her to the vet on Monday, and I have no doubt that will cost at least $100. Not only that, but Rufus was acting funny last night. She actually climbed on my lap and sat for about a half an hour... and Rufus has only done that about 3 other times total in her entire life. So I wonder if she is starting to feel poorly, too. Goddamn cats!

Gaze, Ye, Upon the True Visage of Ultimate Evil

A snapshot of 21 Century horror:

First row: Lego™ Darth Vader (with light-up lightaber); Lego™ Judge Dredd; Lego™ Wicket-the-Ewok; and Lego™ Ronald McDonald

Second row: Another Toy™ Sauron; Lego™ Creature From the Black Lagoon: Lego™ Pilsbury Doughboy; and Lego™ Hitler

Not Pictured: Dick Cheney, Sally Field, Brian Perez

COOL: Our first celebrity endorsement

Hey!!! According to the upcoming April issue of INSTYLE magazine, (on sale at newstands Tuesday after next--not the issue pictured), movie star Julia Stiles, star of "10 Things I Hate About You," "The Bourne Supremacy" and "Mona Lisa Smile," is profiled in their "Celebrity Dish" section. There's a little sidebar where she talks she talks about some of her favorite things, including favorite internet destinations, and she lists this blog as a place she visits daily, 'cause it's "unpredictable and entertaining." I'll post a scan of the article when I get the issue.

Now, if we can only Julia to post a comment, or (hint hint) give us a Gambit review.

Anyway... this is pretty awesome. Thanks for the shout-out, Julia!

GET WELL SOON BATTY

Wishes for fishes
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Poor old Batty. She's our best cat, far and away our smartest cat, and our most affectionate, and, yet, she's always been kinda a sickly kitty. Kim actually picked her out because she was a sneezy little runt, and since then, Batty always seems prone to catching colds. And she's got one now, poor little kitty. She's been sneezing up a storm, and her eyes are running, and she just seems more listless than usual. And yet, she's still affectionate to Reggie, and likes to sit on laps, and is curious and likes to beg, and do all the things Batty likes to do. Anyway, I hate to see ol' Batty get sick. Get well soon, you stupid-ass cat!

On sale today: GAMBIT #7

As always, I'll post reviews as they hit the web.

The Erotic Layman

3 parts VANILLA SKYY VODKA
1 part CRANBERRY TWIST COSMO MIX
1 part CLUB SODA
and 2 parts ORANGE JUICE

When Animals Attack

When Animals Attack
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

trouble in paradise?

Layman invades CBR

I've nearly recovered from Emerald City Con, and normal blogging will return tomorrow. However, for today we've invaded Comic Book Resources for an exclusive all-Layman erotic photo review.

John Layman's Emerald City ComiCon Photo Parade

This weekend Seattle was host to the third annual Emerald City ComiCon. "Gambit" writer John Layman was in attendance and provided something of a comic convention after hours photo parade. Come on inside to see more.

This is where I'm at today (again)

This is where I'm at today

The sad return of sad sad sad

RIP OSSIE DAVIS.



He's the guy I based Dan Down on, in my recent story arc in Gambit.

Finally!... Proof Positive that JOHN LAYMAN is the new KING OF COOL

Here I am showing off my brand-new, just-released, hot-off-the-shelf Lego Tie Fighter... with press-Vader's-head-and-the-lightsaber-glows action.

Crunk!

Politics made simple

Tonight President Dickweek is going to make the case for overhauling Social Security. He's gonna scare everybody, telling them that SS will be bankrupt within 20 years.

Guess what, sucker? Look at the deficit. Look at the way Bush spends money. Yeah, Social Security will be bankrupt, but what he's neglecting to mention is that every other part of the federal goverment will be, too!

GUILTY!!!

John Layman; Erotic pioneer of the alcoholic frontier

Just so you know, I was there first, man.

Last night I bought a buncha cans of Budweiser's new caffienated alcohol drink, B-3, or B-to-the-E, or whatever the hell it's called. Anheuser-Busch are sampling it in 55 cities for the next three months, and no doubt somebody at corporate headquarters did they research and knew that the illustrious "Kid Layman" now resides in Seattle... as does his unquenchable thirst!!!!! Breaking my rules that I should not have caffeine in the evening, I sampled this concoction. Was it good? Uh.. I don;t know.. Red Bull isn't exactly good, but I drink it for the caffiene buzz. And this drink tastes real similar, with some fuzzy beer overtones. Alcohol plus caffeine is good in my book.

The down side –and it's not exactly a down side– is that I was up half the night, unable to sleep, in a caffeinated frenzy. I didn't mind. I'm plotting out Gambit #10, which is at this point overly complex and needs simplifying. Also: CHECK THIS: Sweet little Reggie climbed up and snuggled with me no less than FIVE times, the little angel. I love that soft little guy!