Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Layman movie commentary review: PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

Ok, this isn't really a movie review so much as a commentary on DVD commentaries. We bought an elliptical machine and turned our downstairs bedroom into a little gym. We bought a cheap DVD and TV, and I've been excersizing my fat ass daily, while watching various DVDs, particularly the commentaries. I'm ashamed to admit I watched all the Star Wars movies, their commentaries, anyway, and George Lucas is as big a fathead idiot as I thought him too be-- he really has no idea how and why Episodes I and II suck.

Anyway, I also watched the Pirates of the Carribean, which has three -count 'em- three commentary tracks.

The first one I watched was Johnny Depp and the director, which was as tedious a commentary track as I've ever come across. First of all, both were mumblers, so I had the TV on full blast and couldn't hear shit. Worse, both had similar sounding voices and so you couldn't tell who was saying what. Then, they only talked about boring shit. I hate when people on commentaries forget that they are there to at TRY to be entertaining. Instead, you had either Johnny Depp or the director, Gore Verbinski, or whoever, saying shit like, "oh, this was filmed on the day that fred the lighting engineer got seasick, and helga told him he should take such and such medicine." Who the fuck cares? Say something interesting about the movie, and if you're going to name drop, talk about somebody who we might potentially give a crap about.

But it got worse. The second track was Kiera Knightley. A pretty girl, but, holy crap, she opens her mouth, and you just want to run for the hills. You ever see My Fair Lady, when the Cockney Chick Eliza Doolittle had the awful, screeching high-pitched Brit accent? THAT'S Kiera Knightly's normal voice. I imagine some guy getting a date with her, and all stoked since she's a good lookingl and all, then getting to the restaurant or where ever the date is supposed to be; Keira opens her mouth and it's like fingernails on a blackboard and you just can't get away from her fast enough.

The third commentary was the writers, which was actually interesting. After the first two commentaries I was pretty sick of the movie, but the writer guys were actually interesting enough it drew me back in. And I have to say, it is a pretty good movie. There's a lot of subtlety and nuance you catch with repeat viewings.

So there's that. Next up: A review of Kill Bill 1 and 2, since I finally got around to Netflixing Vol. 2.

1 comment:

Our Man Horn said...

"Caribbean." You know, like in the photo of the DVD.