Thursday, April 14, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK ONE RESULTS


WEEK ONE WINNER: DAVID BARON.


It's no surprise that David Baron is the clear winner of the week with his My Zombies blog. The odds were already heavily skewed in Baron's favor, but he clearly put the most effort into this week. His blog has pictures of pretty girls, and sordid tales of alcohol, and a plethora of other varied and interesting articles, including a Photoshop lesson of how to turn a Baron girl into a Layman girl. Bravo, Baron. Yes, in this competition, you are the man to beat!
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 2-1



Neal Pozner's I Break Wind, blog moved up a notch this week. Besides documenting details of his sex life (a trip to Hooters for "trivia night,") Neal scored easy points by making fun of Tom Long. It was easy, it was shameless, but it got Neal where he wanted to be. Expect Neal to drop precipiticely next week, though, when he runs out of Tom Long jokes.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 3-1

The previous favorite, The Rude Pundit dropped a notch. As always, he was on-target pointing out that John Bolton is a douchebag, and he did some good research to prove he is a hypocrite, too. But the Jack Abramoff post was kinda a snooze, and meanwhile David Baron was kicking all kinds of ass, allowing him to take the lead. Better luck next week.
Previous Odds: 2-1
New Odds: 3-1

Marcus' The Long and the Short of It, a blistering parody of the callous dinosaur brain of American's dim-witted red-state mind-set, had another hilarious week, with a carefully worded poll skewed against evolution, an attack on Ted Rall, and, today, a bit of homophobia. Marcus even finds time to give a special shout-out to this Bollah blog, and it's pretty clear if you read between the lines he's desperate to stay in this competition. One word of warning though, Marcus. Here, we invite all sorts of discourse, and can say anything, no matter how profane, and we are an equal opportunity offender. You can joke about race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, even Neal's lactose intolerance. However, when you make fun of a man's Legos, that's hitting below the belt.
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 4-1



James Nadiger's blog, I Blame the Internet. had its usually mix of whimsey mixed with the mundane. He's got a new quiz up, and said some nice things about Gambit. That's always a nice way to move up the ranks.
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 4-1

Information Overload made a poor showing this week. She included a joke in very poor taste about Indians (they are CALLED "Native Americans.") Also, she posted about sports and included a movie that could only be seen on a PC. Normally, this would be enough to get herself booted from the competition. Still, late one night the other day, after about 40 glasses of wine, we broke out the peanut oil, the twister board, an umbrella and a fern, and, suffice to say, fun was had by all (except for the fern!) We'll keep her around one more week, and let her off with a stern warning.
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: unchanged

Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live was great this week. She has cool Electra art, kitty pictures, a funky coffee table book. This is how a blog is suppose to be. Watch her rise up the ranks.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 5-1

Hannibal Tabu drops a notch with his The Operative Network; Soapbox because he has not yet posted his "Buy Pile" reviews. Where he will invariably speak glowingly of Gambit #9, because this issue in particular kicks ass. Did you know Hannibal does an column almost daily at Comic Book Resources called Comic Reel Wrap? I guess he is the closest thing we have to a celebrity. Also, he wears a funny hat. And he's going to cut out my pancreas.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 5-1



Maki Yamane's blog, Trauma Queen moves up a half tick due to cat pictures, a nod to Arrianna Huffington, and an admission she likes gay porn. Assuming this is lesbian porn, that is. If this is clarified to be something other than that, look for her odds to plummet next week. Keep in mind, as Seinfeld says, "not that there is anything wrong with that," it's just that this is a demographic not specifically targeted in this blog. I gotta represent my set, yo!
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 5.5-1

A BIG jump today for Eric DeSantis's Litany of Schist. Besides talking shit about one member this contest, and declaring his love for another, Eric dropped a huge bomb that will be fodder for this competition for weeks and weeks to come. I'm not gonna say what it is, but if you have been reading his blog, it should be obvious. Thank you, Eric, thank you thank you thank you. He also read this week's Gambit #9. You go, guy!
Previous Odds: 12-1
New Odds: 6-1

I'm enjoying Digio's As Mayor of This Town. It's funky-ass, and that's cool. Let's see what he brings to the table next week.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: unchanged



John Oak Dalton is our resident movie buff in this competition. We'll got a special surprise just for John scheduled for the next week or so, and that is reason enough to keep him in our competition.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: unchanged

Dan Randlett's bizzarely titled The Though The Ap claims he is "taking time off from his blog." Clearly, this is a ruse, and I'd wager he's got something AWESOME up his sleeve for next week's Layamerican Idol. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, shall we?
Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: unchanged

Pictures of oranges? A menu? TV Guide and a photo of the shampoos in her shower. Honestly, it'a a wonder Darlene Alilain, Burning Kitchen didn't drop further. I must be getting soft in my old age.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 9-1



Scott Robin's All Ages hasn't updated since Friday, and while he is trying to appeal to people of all ages, we Bollahs hate people of all ages. But especially old people. And kids. And stupid people. Republicans. Bad drivers. The list goes on. I'm afraid Scott wants to thumb wrestle, and he's been thrown in a ring for bloody bare-knuckle boxing.
Previous Odds: 10-1
New Odds: 12-1

Owen Giani get a pass this week on his Sore Thumbs blog because, unlike Cool Jerk, it's a web comic that actually has a blog. However, it's a blog that hasn't been updated since 4/2, so he may survive another week, but perhaps not too much longer.
Previous Odds: 14-1
New Odds: unchanged


Darlene Alilain, our sole dual contender, lost a bit of ground on her second blog, Ollie Hearts Crickets. Already a blog intensely disliked by our staff, "Ollie" has not updated since Saturday, and also included a cruel, cruel Photoshop against our hero. That is no way to win Laymamerican Idol, lemme tell you!
Previous Odds: 19-1
New Odds: 20-1

The craven Brian Perez has not even updated his Logic and Nausea blog. However, it is still to early too discount him. Brian is up to something, I am sure. He like one of those evil Cthulu elder gods. Admit it, even his name brings shivers to your spine. As such, we need to keep an eye out on him, just to make sure that fucker doesn't try anything sneakier than usual. So Brian remains in this competitions, but he still has zero chance of winning.
Previous Odds: A billion, trillion, grillion, gazillion to one.
New Odds: 4,439,687,493,987 to one.



And now, sadly, we come to the losers of the week. You know how on Survivor they always "do something different" and act like they are mixing it up, when in reality you can tell the producers simply don't know what they are doing and are just pulling stuff out of there ass? Well, we do that two. We've decided to eLaymanate not one, but two contestants per week, just so this stupid competition does not drag out for the rest of eternity. Also, in the future, look for special events like immunity challenges, reward challenges, celebrity judges, even a sudden death tournement. And remember... this will happen every Thursday... except when it doesn't.
So anyway, now we come to the moment we've all be dreading, where we eLaymanate two of our contestants.

WEEK ONE LOSER#1: PAUL HORN.

WEEK ONE LOSER#2: RICH AMTOWER.

Paul Horn's Cool Jerk is the first to get the boot. Dude, it's not even a blog. It's a frickin' web comic. And Paul was very disingenuous for trying to enter this contest in the first place. Clearly, in future installments of Laymamerican Idol, a background check will be instituted. But hey, Paul... lay your squinties on this: YOU'VE BEEN ELAYMANATED!!!!!

They say half of life is showing up. Rich had the HONOR of being put into this competition, and he even had a bias, because Rich is one of my drinking buddies. Sadly, he did not show up. And his Christian Martyr blog therefore must be... ELAYMANATED!!!!!

That's all for now. So long.

22 comments:

Christian said...

Yeah, pre-E3 is a tough time for updates, I'm afraid...

.rich

Anonymous said...

Something smells very wrong with this contest... it appears that votes don't even count and I've counted at least three for Ollie. His odds should have gone up.

Paul said...

YES! E-Layman-ated! Now I can get on with my life.

Maybe this will be like "Distraction" and I'll come back in the final round to smite the winner with a sledge hammer.

Anonymous said...

Seems like the key to winning is to post something about comics, preferably Layman related not matter how suck ass his writing ability is, put some girls and have a relation to the Wildstorm staff.

Mary E. Brickthrower said...

"Seems like the key to winning is to post something about comics, preferably Layman related not matter how suck ass his writing ability is, put some girls and have a relation to the Wildstorm staff."

Bitter much? Who is this--BRIAN PULIDO? :-P
Made it through the 1st round...ROCK N ROLL!!! Good luck to everyone in the next one. I'm sure we're all waiting with baited breath for LAYMAN's next executive decision. *LOL*

~mary e.
+++++++end of transmission++++++++

Anonymous said...

I kept calling in to vote, but a creepy woman kept answering. LAYMAN, I think that crack-whore stole your cell phone the other night. You should tip better.
KING S
P.S. Go Ollie

N. J. Pozner said...

Seems like the key to winning is [sour grapes]...

Gee, did someone miss out on their medication this morning? Just like rock and roll, there is room for so much variety within that seemingly simple formula. My advice to you, whoever you are? Smile more.

Anonymous said...

"Seems like the key to winning is to post something about..."

Someone's a little unhappy, perhaps because their blog didn't get enough attention.

Anonymous said...

i want to see more john oak dalton. encourage him to post more of his poorly-drawn comic. it's a good story.

Ollylain said...

Seems similiar to school somehow... I strive to be in last place next week so I can booted off.

-Darlene

TomB said...

Surprie, surprise, Baron won. Everyone else shouldn't be too disheartened. As long as you're as willing as Dave to do whatever it takes to win, you still have a chance. Dave just happens to be willing to suck the alcohol-induced diahrrea directly from Layman's bowel using a slurpee straw. Why a slurpee straw? Layman likes the feel of the spoon tip. And since Layman is total alcoholic, Baron is always in his good graces. Good luck to everyone next week! Oh, and FUCK Neal!

Anonymous said...

Layman's a "total alcoholic" ?-- Congratulations, John, I didn't know the promotion came through. I know Rumsfeld has been pushing for it. --King S

TomB said...

"Anonymous said...
Seems like the key to winning is to post something about comics, preferably Layman related not matter how suck ass his writing ability is, put some girls and have a relation to the Wildstorm staff."


Say what you want about layamn;'s writing ability, you're probably right, he's no better a writer than I am a colorist. But, damnit, get it right, we are mostly EX-Wildstorm staff. We weathered that shit storm and came out smelling like roses. Well, except Neal, he still smells like feces, but not on tuesdays, those days he smells like feces and hot wing sauce. Sorry i digress, no that's it, i only took this opportunity to once again make fun of Neal, my best friend and lover (he's the chick.)

Anonymous said...

Does "alcoholic" mean a devotee of Jesus Juice? Because that situation is really charming. I fear for Layman's kitties though. Someone should take them out of that household.

Anonymous said...

I have not seen this many angry chimps since Moe's birthday party.
As the referee says: Protect your genitals at all time, ladies and gentlemen. King S.

Anonymous said...

Well, Baron's blogs have been the most entertaining. I'd rather not read about Tomb, if at all possible, and I'd rather not read DeSantis rambling about how blogs suck. Baron is the winner not so much for the superiority of his work, but for the inferiority of everyone else's.

TomB said...

Anonymous said...
Well, Baron's blogs have been the most entertaining. I'd rather not read about Tomb, if at all possible, and I'd rather not read DeSantis rambling about how blogs suck. Baron is the winner not so much for the superiority of his work, but for the inferiority of everyone else's


SCREW YOU, DIRTY HIPPIE! My life is damn entertaining if not comically tragic, well worth the read. At any rate i'd rather not read how yo uthink Baron's ass batter tastes less like burnt almonds than the others. Lame-Ass Anonymous posters, empty sacks, all of 'em.

Mary E. Brickthrower said...

Anonymous is just sorta sucky. Even if you have a completely fake name, at least you're attaching a persona to it. Is this the same ANONYMOUS? All different ones?

"You crazy kids and your dan fogelberg and beatle boots!"
~mary e. AKA
+++++++++++end of transmission++++++++++

Anonymous said...

You anonymous, bastards, hiding like serial killers in the closet, safe behind your hockey masks. You're all whores in your hearts, and you don't love Jayzus.
--King S.

Christian said...

I like to pretend all the anonymous posts are coming from just one VERY CONFLICTED person.
.rich

Anonymous said...

The anonymous posts are from 6 conflicted super intelligent seers, floating in a submersion tank (with limited Internet access) located beneath the National Security Administration's Office of Comic's Warfare and Urinal Cake Research Lab. Also know as Area 52.--King S

Joey Q said...

My buddy Brian told me about your contest.

Hopefully the person who wins and gets the money uses it to BUY A LIFE!

Joey Q

P.S. Sorry about Gambit, John.