Thursday, April 07, 2005

Rejoice! LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™ is here!


Welcome to the long-promised debut of Laymamerican Idol™ (previously titled Blogmerican Idol, but the name was changed because Laymamerican has a more effervescent ring to it.)

Here are the rules: This is a competition to see who gets a coveted spot on the "OTHER COOL PLACES" links section to this blog. Every Thursday contenders will be evaluated, based solely on how entertaining the previous week's worth of blogging was, based on my capricious arbitrariness, and votes in the comments section (votes must be accompanied by a short explanation of who you want to keep or remove, like a "Neal sucks," or "Neal is boring" comment.) Each Friday morning the votes will be tallied and somebody's sorry ass will get the boot.

Please note: At this point, these are just preliminary contenders. If you would like your blog to be added to this list, scroll to the bottom of this post for details.

Good luck, my children, and god bless you one and all!

The William Hung of this competition, Neal Pozner's blog of sage commentary is named The Wind, for that is what he breaks if he even has the slighest bit of cheese in his diet. His blog kinda sucks, but because of the innate hilarity to be mined from a blog entitled The Wind, expect this contender to go a long way.
Odds: 4-1

Famed comic book colorist David Baron is surely the Ruben Studderd of this competition, with his My Zombies blog. Baron is the heir-apparent to the Layman throne, which gives him a huge leg-up on the competition. However, he doesn't update often, and he has TERRIBLE taste in movies, so that will ultimately count against him.
Odds: 3-1

Darlene Alilain, is our first and only dual contender, with a blog on general stuff, Burning Kitchen, and a much less interesting one about her damn pet lizard, Ollie Hearts Crickets. I like Darlene, but I don't particularly like lizards, so you can bet unless she comes up with something wildly entertaining, she is soon to be shown the door. Her other blog has more reasonable odds.
Odds: 19-1 (lizard blog); 6-1 (normal blog)

The Rude Pundit is the odds-on favorite for winning this competition. Smart, insightful, mean, and correct, not to mention laced with obscenity, I look forward to this blog every time it is updated. A safe bet, to be sure.
Odds: 2-1

Maki Yamane's blog, Trauma Queen gets special mention, and boosted odds, because Maki set me up with some software recently that has totally changed my life. Yeah, one of the perks of being the sole judge of this competition is that favoritism counts. Unfortunately, I have a short memory when it comes to gratitude, so look for the odds to grow increasingly longer as the "what have you done for me lately" factor kicks in, or if Maki spends too much time talking about obnoxious goth music which bores me to tears.
Odds: 6-1

Information Overload has spent a lot of time on the "On Probation" part of this site, and has really yet to distinguish itself. Also, the moderator of that blog can be surly and disrespectful of your beloved narrator of this blog. Still, let's hope this blogger has an attitude adjustment when she learns she has a chance to win the esteemed Laymamerican Idol™ competion.
Odds: 5-1

An hilarious blog, Marcus' The Long and the Short of It is a scathing satire of red-state mentality, as it parrots the most grotesque and reprehensible talking points from Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Culter. This blog contains HYSTERICAL bits of detail, such as "I'm from Alabama" and "I read the Bible every day." Priceless!
Odds: 5-1

I enjoy James Nadiger's blog, I Blame the Internet. I think it is charming. James bitches about his health, and his job, and he likes kitties. He also always has all these weird tests, like "find out what kind tree you would be," and shit like that. He doesn't update much, and his blog isn't exactly electric. Still, I'll give him dark horse odds of:
Odds: 5-1

Eric DeSantis, long rumored to be dead, has started a blog called Litany of Schist, especially so he could participate in this contest. Eric has bad taste in comics, loves fish, and is a bit of a cornball. Also, most people believe he is not long for this world. Expect a new obituary to bump him out of the competition in the early rounds.
Odds: 12-1

Not that I watch American Idol, but early in every season they feature somebody fat and/or stupid and/or ugly and/or talentless, whose appearance is strictly for laughs. My arch enemy, Brian Perez is such a person (as well as having all the previously mentioned deficiencies.) In fact, he recently shut down his web site, Logic and Nausea and sent me a fawning email admitting that he is far too inferior to even exist on the same internets as the cherished "bollah blog." He will undoubtedly be the first to go. He is our sacrificial lamb, our lame duck, our fatted calf. And these farm animal analogies are especially appropriate for Brian, as that is all he ever has sex with.
Odds: A billion, trillion, grillion, gazillion to one. Over my fuckin' dead body this guy will win!

Not precisely a blog, but Paul Horn's Cool Jerk web comic bears mentioning. Send Paul an email at, and find out just how fun marginally amusing entertainment can be. (Uh, I'm probably gonna start a section for webcomics and comic collaborators no matter who wins the competition, so Paul and Owen don't really count. Still, I'm going to keep them as part of the Laymamerican Idol™ competition, if only to make fun of them on a weekly basis.)
Odds: 14-1, because his web comic is not really applicable.

Owen Giani is a Canadian. Despite that, we have been collaborating on a super-secret comic book we are going to pitch soon. He's almost got a full-issue in the can, and it looks great, so I'd be remiss if I did not mention his three-times-a-week Sore Thumbs. He's got a pretty versatile art style, as the thing we are working on together is drawn in a completely different style than his web comic.
Odds: 14-1, 'cause Owen is pretty much in the same boat as Paul Horn.

Please note: If YOU would like to be featured in

you have until Wednesday, April 13 to send me an email with your URL to, and I will include you in an update.

Stay tuned!


TomB said...

One Vote for Neal to go to hell and take his blog with him. He Sucks. If one were to unluckily arrive at his inane blogspot, he or she would find the most mindless, pathetic, and feckless use of the english language since the King James translation of the bible. Neal's writing style can best described as masturbatory. He clearly spends countless hours pondering just what adjectives to use to describe his last bowel movement of a life experience. One might note that none of Neal's posts involve members of the opposite sex as he clearly fears them and has yet to understand how to properly use and service a vagina. If Neal were to remain past the first round of voting, it would surely be out of pity as was Neal's first and last sexual encounter, a carnita's grease lubed handjob from a transexual taco stand vendor south of the border who missed his own long since severed penis so much, he used Neal to remind him why he had it cut it off in the first place.

N. J. Pozner said...

I can always count on you for an encouraging word, Tom.

Gunny said...

Nice of you to drop by, John.
I see my blog has pushed some unsavory buttons in you. That's a good thing.

I like dissenting views, as long as they're not accompanied by a pie in the face, heh heh!

I guess since you can't get any of the "big hitters" to pay attention to you, you're left with no choice but to "pick a fight" with some of the "little guys", huh?

Hmmm. No uptick in traffic on my Sitemeter.

Why am I not surprised?

Thanks for the link, anyway.


Anonymous said...

That lizard is pretty darn cute and funny too.

Jess said...

I vote for Ollie.

Ollylain said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

David hangs out with hot girls, if he keeps showing pictures of them he will have my lonely vote...

And I also like your "roommates" blog! Can I have two votes?

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna have to go with Neal, even though he is the under-dog he seems to bitch about the same things I would bitch about except I don't care to write it down.. or I'm talking about girls... thats another thing neal never clogs up his blog with crap about girls... go neal


Anonymous said...

I'm voting for Information Overload. She's the only one with brains in the group and she knows how to spell.

Edco said...

Poor little bloggers... as the days go by it will be searingly clear Litany of Schist has all the style, agnst, and charm any reader needs.