Sunday, April 24, 2005

LAYMAMERICAN IDOL™

WEEK TWO RESULTS

SUNDAY UPDATE: Oh, shit, sorry I am so unbelievably late. I've been busy as all hell. But I finally finished the script, and went to my weekly Japanese lessons, and did a whole bunch of other shit, including going to a going-away party for my buddy Jim, who is heading to comic book company as their marketing dude in an attempt to make it (I hope) less fucked up. Anyway, here, I'm going to finish this week's Laymamerican Idol, in between watching scenes of the original Japanese version of The Grudge (so far, I'm liking the American version better, but that is a different post.)

(One more thing... since this is late, only things posted up Thursday or before is being judged. Everything after that rolls over into next week.)


WEEK TWO WINNER: NEAL POZNER?!?!?!?.



Holy crap. Surely this must be one of the signs of the apacolypse. Neal Pozner, the most tedious person on earth, winner of this week's pulse pounding Laymamerican Idol. Surely I am peaking on acid at the moment, and this is all just part of my very bad trip. Neal included a very cool picture of a Russian building, and a family photo. Did you know Neal's mom brough me homemade caramels for Christmas? Of course you did. What tipped the scales was an essasy on the sub-human Anne Culter, though. The Rude Pundit had a similar essay, and it was too crude even for me. When Neal can out-essay the Rude Pundit, without resorting to easy Tom Long jokes, you know that he's pulled off a coup. Laymamerican Idol has no choice but to proclaim Neal's The Wind, a Silent But Deadly blog. Congrats, Neal. On the other hand, Neal has clearly peaked, which drastically lowers his odds for later weeks in this competition.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 7-1




Last week's winner, David Baron'sMy Zombies slipped a bit this week. He started start with a custom Laymamerican Idol pic, and urged readers not to see Amityville Horror. Considering how bad Baron's movie taste is, this is strangely out of character, but a welcome change. Baron then stumbled savagely with a sideshow of party picture of his no-doubt loutish friends. Laymamerican Idol™ had the misfortune to sit next to one of Baron's annoying friend at a convention dinner last year, and almost poked his own eyes out with a martini stirrer as a result. Baron is still not completely forgiven over that, even though he paid for the meal. Anyway. The slideshow part of it was cool, but in the future, we need to see either more girls, or more Baron, and less of your buffoony roommates. How'd you do that slideshow anyway? Flash? And-- hey, you can't win them all.
Previous Odds: 2-1
New Odds: 3-1

Damn. I sure was wrong about Darlene's Alilain, Burning Kitchen. Sure, it's kinda hit and miss, but it has at least one moment of sheer brilliance. Her odds, as a result, just increased dramatically.
Previous Odds: 9-1
New Odds: 3-1

Marcus' The Long and the Short of It, continued his comedic diatribes in the guise of a shameless red-state Bush-apologist. He gave a special shout-out to Laymamerican Idol, and even gave me an affectionate nickname (I tried not to read between the lines to much, but I'm afraid he might be hitting on me.) Despite his rudimentary understanding of HTML, and his inability to link to this blog, he was able to post a picture of the handsome Laymamerican Idol host, clearly a desperate manuver to increase the number of hits to his blog. Still, the high-light of this week surely was when he tried to use common sense to argue against evolution. And you simply can't do that, because evolution IS common sense. His RATIONALE was that scientists finally found a dinosaur bone with soft tissue. Professor Marcus, with his vast Alabaman scientific background, said that " There is no way on this earth that soft tissues could have survived 70 million years, and anyone who thinks they could have survived more than a few thousand years needs to have his/her head examined." Well, how the hell do you know, that Marcus? I believe he is using this to support his Christan argument for "intelligent design," or whatever other loony, backwater notion Christians are currently pushing. Fact is, it does the opposite. PALEONTOLOGISTS have been finding dinosaur bones for a while now, and this was the needle in the haystack. Archaelogists have found them, too, on various archaeological digs. Face it, it's a miracle, Marcus! God's way of telling us evolution IS a fact. But he did refer to me as an "author" in his fawning post about me. That's gotta count for something.
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: unchanged
UPDATE: At press time, Marcus claims he is shutting down his blog. If this isn't some narrow-minded red-state stunt, than it is clear that Marcus is running scared, and unable to face the scrutiny of the INSIGHTFUL mind and razor-keen wit of Kid Layman™. Whatta little sissy man!
SUNDAY UPDATE: Today, Marcus completely threw in the towel and shut down his sad little blog, a tacit admission of his wrongheaded way, as well as a whole-hearted embrace of the world-view of this blog. He left of couple of comments down in the comments thread, I see, but I have not had the time to read them, being that I am so unbelievably busy. However, I skimmed over the comments and found that he called me a "genius" TWICE. I'd say that is pretty cool, considering that Marcus and I disagree on just about everything, he is still able to admit the obvious and admit what the rest of the world knows; Layman=Genuis. Thanks, dude! I'm pretty glad right now that he's a right-wing homophobe, otherwise I'd be a little worried he is falling in love with me. (An understandable reaction, of course.)



Some painful missteps for Eric DeSantis's Litany of Schist this week. He posted his comic book reading list of the week, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Eric is one goofy-ass mother fucker. However, his moment of redemption came with two creatively written posts concerning the "narrator" at a strip club. I've knocked Eric in the past, but how he was able to capture the voice of a straight man was unnerving. How did you do it? And how do you even know what goes on in a strip club. You don't even look old enough to get it, sonny!
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 4-1

Kevin Smith, Con pictures, a movie review and picture of some chick I've never heard of (am I supposed to have? Who is the hell Bella Donna?Mary E, aka Mary Brickthrower aka Mary the Wretched aka Sadie Hex's blog, How The Wretched Live is gonna have to work a little harder--but just a little-- to get to the top spot.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 5-1
SUNDAY UPDATE: According to David Baron, Bella Donna is some weird porn star. I guess if I would have know that (or if Bella Donna would have been better looking,) you would have scored better this week, Mary. Not to worry, though, I have a good feeling about your performance this week.

Hannibal Tabu's The Operative Net gains a notch only because I fucked up the other day and called him "Hannibal Tuba." I think that would have been hilarious if I did it on purpose, but since it was an accident, I'll make it up to him but upping his odds. Still, you notice I'm not saying a single word about the actual content of his blog. I bet that is annoying as all hell. (tee hee)
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 4-1



James Nadiger's blog, I Blame the Internet. didn't have a whole lot to say, and his obvious attempt to chamr the judges with a picture of a cute little kitty cat will not affect the competition until next week (where it is sure to get a huge bump!)
Previous Odds: 4-1
New Odds: 7-1

Dear Christ. I need to show Owen Giani's Sore Thumbs more respect. Not only is it a webcomics AND a blog, but it brought me, like, a billion hits last week. I'm convinced Sore Thumbs must be the Canadian equivalent of Garfield, or Family Circus, or something like that. Anyway, Canada may be a weird, frightening place, but let's give a hand to Sore Thumbs, Canada's Greatest export!
Previous Odds: 14-1
New Odds: 7-1

Maki Yamane's blog, Trauma Queen only had three meager posts this week, and one of them was about sports. Bleegghghh! Not only that, she references a party thrown by Information Overload! Dude! That was my party. Information Overload just cooked the food. Who was that guy who was upstairs half the time, smokin' the kind herbage? Dat's right! Kid Layman! Representing the hiz-ouse. Layman represents, and Trauma Queen needs to respect!
Previous Odds: 5.5-1
New Odds: 8-1
SUNDAY UPDATE: HOLY FUCKING CRAP. Maki's latest blog posting came too late for this week, but it's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Or maybe it's just the rum and cokes talking. Either way, she might be the chick to beat next week, unless you punks step it up a notch.



I wish John Oak Dalton would talk a little more about movies. Or maybe tell us how 24 Comic Challenge Thingie went.
Previous Odds: 7-1
New Odds: 8-1

The Rude Pundit dropped quite a bit this week. I guess I'm getting tired of his schtick.
Previous Odds: 3-1
New Odds: 9-1

Digio's As Mayor of This Town is still pleasantly goofy, but seems to be lacking in substance.
Previous Odds: 6-1
New Odds: 9-1



Dan Randlett's The Though The Ap talked about Superman, which, for the record, is NOT a way to score point on this blog. He also kind of went on about the object of his sexual desire. Anybody else a little weirded out by this?
Previous Odds: 8-1
New Odds: 10-1

I still hate lizards. They bore me, and did you know-- it's a fact-- they are among the filthiest of all the reptiles? It's true. Nonetheless, Ollie Hearts Crickets benefits from the good week that it's companion blog, Burning Kitchen, just had. Not exactly fair, is it? Tough shit.
Previous Odds: 20-1
New Odds: 10-1

Information Overload had an okay blog this week. I liked how she kept saying she wasn't going to blog, and then blogged. Ho-Hum. She squeaks by this week, with a stern warning that her odds might improve if she bothered to take a turn changing the freakin' little box once in a while.
Previous Odds: 5-1
New Odds: 12-1



WEEK TWO LOSER#1: BRIAN PEREZ.

WEEK TWO LOSER#2: SCOTT ROBINS.


Despite not posting in a long time, I kept Brian Perezin the competition for his Logic and Nausea blog. However, I was recently contacted by his attorney. Seems Brian is avoiding all publicity, due to the fact that he is testifying in a celebrity trial about certain sleepover young Brian had with a pop singer. Out of respect for children everywhere, as well as America's judicial system, Brian is being eLAYMANated. Brian, however, made himself available for a single cryptic comment: "It's all true! And it tasted awful!"
Uh, we'll take your word for it, Brian.

Sadly, we had to choose another, and that dubious distinction goes to Scott Robin's All Ages. He only posted once last week, and it was about the Eisner Awards. As an editor, I used to have to sit through the Eisner Awards, and they were just about the most boring things on Earth. Also, I really take exception to some of their nominations, as well as what doesn't get nominated. Which isn't to say that I wouldn't accept an Eisner, 'cause of course I would. However, last year, my book Puffed came out, which I thought would be a shoe-in for a nomination for the humor catagory. It was overlooked, which would have been fine, except for the fact that one of the nominations was for REPRINT MATERIAL. What the fuck? That's like giving Seinfeld an Emmynext year. Bullshit! Anyway, Scott, all you did last week was scratch at a very painful wound. Therefore, you must be eLAYMANated!!

HALL OF SHAME
WEEK ONE:
Paul Horn's Cool Jerk
Rich Amtower's Christian Martyr

16 comments:

.just.a.ghost. said...

Congrats Neal!, I really enjoyed those pics of Russian buildings and some other ramblings.

And for the "Slideshow" that I made for my blog, it is real easy, I will send you an email on how to do it...

I would share it or make a blog out of it, but then Eric D. will know... and then he will abuse it and make it suck.

Edco said...

Cold, Dave. Cold.

.just.a.ghost. said...

Just a joke... I will make it a blog and then trust your judgment eric.

Gunny said...

"insiteful mind"

That's insightful, genius, not "insiteful".

And if soft tissues can survive 70 million years being fossilized, then fossilization is the answer to increasing the shelf life of all kinds of food. If it can preserve bone marrow and blood vessels then it should do wonders for green beans.

*cue sarcasm* Yes, Johnnie, it was you who intimidated me into giving up my blog. Yep. I just can't stand the heat of some Simpsons-Comic-Book-Guy-parody-of-himself scrutinizing me that closely (not to mention your halitosis), so you are the big weiner, er, winner here.
Congrats!

P.S - I'm glag to see the energy you devote to your commentary about my now-defunct blog. Just goes to show everyone I got under your skin more than you let on, heh heh.:-)

Gunny said...

"His rational was"

Did you mean "rationale?

For someone who's an author you sure seem rather stupid.

Later, genius.

.just.a.ghost. said...

Who is the hell Bella Donna? Only a girl of my porno dreams... she is a cult favorite of my friends and family... well maybe not family (my dad is a priest, so who really knows). But Bella Donna is known for taking things, huge things, and putting them in..um..certain places. She has a smile the whole time.

Redstate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gunny said...

"Archaeologists have been finding dinosaur bones for a while now"


Archaeologists don't find dinosaur bones, dimwit:
Paleontologists do.

...GENIUS

my "vast Alabaman scientific background" is obviously SUPERIOR TO YOURS...

Chris Burnham said...

The UFO's attacking Maki's blog are pretty damn cool, but yes, John--if that would have affected your ranking of her blog, it was the rum and cokes talking.

TomB said...

Marcus said...
"Archaeologists have been finding dinosaur bones for a while now"
Archaeologists don't find dinosaur bones, dimwit:
Paleontologists do.
...GENIUS
my "vast Alabaman scientific background" is obviously SUPERIOR TO YOURS...


Marcus, my man, you seem like the sort to eat a shit pie and complain the peanuts weren't thoroughly digested.

Gunny said...

TomB:

Your wry, acerbic comment notwithstanding, I am merely paying "homage" to John's pathetic noodling while he's stumbling around in a megalomaniacal fog pointing out "errors" in my now-famous-yet-defunct blog. I simply felt like pointing out some of his errors would help to temper his quasi-deranged conniptions.

I see that I succeeded. He has backpedaled like a safety in zone coverage and CORRECTED his errors while claiming to have only "skimmed" my comments (BTW, the word "genius" was mentioned THREE times, not twice, genius).

Anyway, my work here is done. I have managed to provoke John into posting THREE CORRECTIONS AND TWO UPDATES about a blog that no longer exists.

Pretty funny stuff.

Don't you people fret, I'll be back. When the blogging bug bites again and I find a FULLY-customizable blog engine I will once again be espousing my opinion on various and sundry topics. I may have to get a restraining order against John, as he seems to have a spooky attraction to "all things Marcus". Heh.

TomB said...

to temper his quasi-deranged conniptions

I gotta admit, that's pretty fuckin' funny.

Oh and Dave, Edco isn't the type to "abuse it and make it suck." Remember, he's a bottom.

Anonymous said...

while he's stumbling around in a megalomaniacal fog...

That's pretty funny too. I demand more Marcus!

Scott Robins said...

Well it was fun while it lasted. Hm.

Anonymous said...

i have a question. do the people in the competition generally know they're in the competition? just wondering. it seems some people add stuff that you suggest. plus, my (split) vote is for traumaqueen and john oak dalton.

high pinay said...

I wonder if this Information that I got in you will be my key to find to solution to my problem.,I really hope so.,I will make that I will find the solution to my problem.,