Layman movie review: BIO ZOMBIE

Yeah, I enjoyed this one. Actually enjoyed the hell out of it. A Hong Kong zombie movie clearly made by people who had seen their share of American zombie movies. And there were points where you'd swear it actually was an American zombie movie, until the lead characters did or said something really (at least to Americans) goofy and incomprehensible. It takes place in a mall, and two mallrat lowlifes have to defend against zombies while trying to score chicks. Nothing groundbreaking, but thoroughly enjoyable. The sidekick character I had recently seen in an Asian Gangster flick called "Young and Dangerous, the Prequel." (That movie was pretty good, too, though, and I guess this is a series of movies, but stupid Netflix only has like parts 4 and 6, or something like that.)

Anyway, BioZombie was cooler than its title might lead you to believe. Translation and English voice overs were above average, too.

And kudos on the ending, which I thought was bleak even by horror movie standards.

Layman movie review: THE INTERMINABLE

Actually, it's called, THE TERMINAL, and I have no freakin' idea how it ended up on our Netflix (I secretly suspect my wife is a big cheeseball.) Anyway, it's Steven Speilberg's latest slice of syrup, starring Tom Hanks as a goofy-ass foreigner stuck in an airport--kinda like anyone who saw it got stuck in the theater.

Listen, the sad fact is, at 37 years of age, I am pushing 40, and I am middle aged. So, I'm wondering, who the HELL is this movie marketed toward. Not me, surely, and not anybody any younger. Maybe really old folks (see forthcoming review of SECONDHAND LIONS, which has officially spawned a new genre of non-sexual "geriatric porn.") The Terminal just sorta ambled along, with everything obvious from a mile away. Nothing extremily challenging for the viewer, everything cute and painfully pleasant. There is absolutely no chemistry between Katherine Zeto Jones and Tom Hanks, and the idea that a flight attendant who looks anything like that would even give a goofy-ass foreigner like Tom Hanks the time of day is ludicrous. (She reads books on Napoleon in her spare time, which is even more ridiculous.)

Anyway, this movie is pure fluff, and it's actually so bad Kim and I could not stop watching it, groaning and bitching.

One other thing. It was PG-13, though there was ANYthing we could remotely see to merit that. Stanley Tucci yells "Goddamit" at the end, but there was no other cussing I could recall. Or nudity or drug use or anything else. Could it be movies are now being rated in consideration of how fucking BORING they are, with the realization that nobody under 13 could see this movie without being bored out of their ever-lovin' mind?

So... my recommendation; RENT IT, only if you enjoy grousing at your TV screen (which I do)

Layman Pimpage: Gambit #5

Gambit #5 came out yesterday. Guest starring Wolverine, obviously. I'll post some reviews once they hit. I suspect they will be good, because this personally is my favorite issue so far... but you never know with these idiots on the internets.

Sad, sad, sad

R.I.P. Lenny.

Jerry Orbach dead at 69 of prostate cancer.

The unholy trio

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Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

The three elder kitties contemplate how they have fallen out of favor, and wonder why REGGIE™ is now everybody's favorite LaymanKitty™.

Entering 2005... this blog STILL gathers no moss

You'll notice some changes to the links section today, with the threat of more changes to come.

In our continuing effort to provide you with the very best in "internets entertainment," we are are getting rid of the dead weight, commending those few who deserve it, and in our benevolence, giving some undeserving few a second chance.

THE GOOD: First off, big props to SUPERFRANKENSTEIN, FANBOY RAMPAGE , FARK and GELAMOTTI, for being consistently updated and entertaining. You have secured a place in my heart, and on this blog's links section. Your position is secure. TODAY IN IRAQ is not necessarily entertaining, but I urge everybody to follow it to get an idea of the depressing reality of this monstrous war our douchebag president has gotten us into.

THE BAD: I'm dumping the FROM BRICKS TO BOTHANS site from my links. They don't put "leaked" information about Lego sets on their site, and unless Lego Corp signs off, the aren't allowed to talk about new sets. I think THIS web site has proved to be a better web site when it comes to providing coverage, so I'm dumping your sorry ass.
You get the ax!!

THE UGLY: SAVAGE CRITIC , INFORMATION OVERLOAD and LOGIC AND NAUSEA are all hereby warned; get your shit together. You are not updating enough, and dangerously close to be axed from this web site. All of you are sadly underperforming when it comes to updating and entertaining me. SAVAGE CRITIC isn't doing nearly enough savaging, and have just been posting stupid lists lately.

Start critisizing, SAVAGE CRITIC ... Or risk the ax!

LOGIC AND NAUSEA, run by my arch-enemy Brian Perez, is filled with putrid prose. Update more, and make the shit rhyme, dude... Or risk the ax!

INFORMATION OVERLOAD is going on warning as well. As some of you may know, this blog is operated by my obnoxious "roommate," who I just happened to also be married to. Some background information: My sweet kitty cat Bumble Buzz LOVES to chew on ribbon, so during the Christmas season I had to be extra vigilant making sure no presents had ribbon. A horrible thing happened last year, beyond the fact that Bumble Buzz nearly chokes every time she goes for ribbon. (SPOILER WARNINGS APPLY:) She actually swallowed a bunch of ribbon, and some time later she had ribbon hanging out of her butt. It got cat shit all over my carpet, but the worst part of it was when I had to PULL the crap-covered ribbon out of Bumble Buzz's butt, which obviously hurt like hell for this poor sweet kitty. It bled a lot too, and was one of the grossest thing I have ever seen.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD: stop leaving Christmas ribbon on the ground from Bumble Buzz to choke on or get stuck in her butt... Or risk the ax!

Ho-Hum

I guess this is supposed to evoke the x-wing. YAWN.

You know, even I'm getting tired of posting this crap...

...you gotta be getting tired of reading it.

I'm don't even plan on buying this stuff, but I like Legos a lot, and seeing this stuff still gets me kinda excited. When I was a kid my two favorite things were Star Wars and Legos, and it wasn't until 1997 or so that the two got together. I've bought most of the Lego Star Wars stuff there is to buy, at least, all the "system scale" stuff, the sets that fit the cute little minifigure guys. That is, I bought everythign up until Episode I, and I even I bought a bunch of the Episode I sets too, before I even saw the movie and released how screwed I was cause the movie sucked so bad. So I've stopped buying sets, except for the "classic trilogy," but I still think it is cool when Lego unveils the sets for the coming year. All this stuff you see here this past week is for the Episode III movie, and the toys won't debut until spring-ish. Word is there is going to be two sets from the original trilogy, and all Lego has been doing lately is doing "redesigns" of previously released stuff. I've stopped buying those, unless they are really standout.

Anyway, here's another set. Wookies vs. droids.



Oh, by the way, I got a call yesterday from my stupid friend JP who LOOOOOVES George Lucas almost as much as another stupid friend named Nate LOOOOOOOVES George Bush. Stupid JP says that Fat-Ass Lucas is going and reworking the movies AGAIN to rerelease them for the "one last time." Man, how many time is that bastard going to take our money for the same tired shit? Why not spend the millions he has spent navel gazing hiring a decent script writer for Episode III?

A very Rufus Christmas

Check out lazy Rufus™ in in-action here.

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Originally uploaded by themightylayman. \

X-mas Goodwill toward man...and kitties!

Check out Batty™ and Reggie™ in action here.


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Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

It's a very Reggie Christmas

Check out Reggie™ in action here.


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Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

It's a very Batty Christmas

Check out Batty™ in action here.


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Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Here's the set where Annikin gets crispy-crittered

(Don't forget to click on my Christmas Quicktime movie. I worked hard on it, for your ungrateful, lazy ass.)




I have no idea what the "try me" feature is. Lego seems to be favoring pieces that light-up this year, so maybe it's something like that.

a very Quicktime Christmas

My Christmas Present to You!

Jedi Starfighter vs. "Vulture" Droid

Now how the hell do they "vultures" in the Star Wars Universe? You know, I've got lots of bitches about the Star Wars movies, particularly the hairbrained sequels. But do you know what my absolute ultimate complaint is?

There is a point in Episode II where Obi Won turns to Annakin (or vice versa) and says “we’re going to be sitting ducks if we stay here.” How the hell would anybody in the Star Wars Universe know what a DUCK is? At least in the first trilogy, Lucas had enough energy to write stuff like “he looks strong enough to wrestle a gundark” and crap like that. Now imagine the Star Wars Universe, populated by all manner of creatures and aliens; wookees, jawas, ewoks, banthas, rancors, gundarks, wampas, taun tauns, tusken raiders, gungans, dewbacks, saarlacs –and freakin’ DUCKS!

And now, apparently, vultures. Sigh.

Anyway, here's one of the bigger sets. I presume the Wookie Catamaran will be up tomorrow for X-mas

Note: I deleted the picture, 'cause Chris Hunter pointed out it was screwing up the blog on internet explorer. Thanks, Chris!

This one is cool, though

Not sure what this is proof of

This set is kinda weird, so I'm going to treat it like it is less than divine.

Proof there is a God (Part 2)

Proof There Is A God (Part 1)

LAYMAN SPEAKS, RECOMMENDS MOVIE

Hi everybody. Layman here. I’m a little doped up from the pain medication, and doctors, nurses and random passersby poking and prodding, but I figured this was so monumentally important that I blog this information to you.

Normally, I would never recommend a movie I have not seen. Not only that, I have to admit I’m a little ticked off that I haven’t received a check or any other sort of financial compensation for this. However, when you’re facing down death, as I am, it’s time to put that sort of pettiness aside. There’s a movie out right now that I think you should see. In fact, from the title alone, it sounds like a movie that EVERYBODY should see.

I’m not sure how accurate it is, but from the title I’m guessing it is at least semi-biographical, documenting that period when a very less discriminating, but no less sexually ripe, J.S. Layman, Esquire, had a sequence of liaisons and dalliances with the homeless, bag ladies, and multiple amputees.

The movie’s title, of course, LAYMANY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF INCREASINGLY EROTIC EVENTS WITH THE LESS FORTUNATE.

Catch it this today at a multiplex near you. See it with somebody you love!

-JL

(Oh, and for the record, I have no idea what a “Snicket” is. I’m guessing it is some sort of euphemism for my—oh, gottta go, the nurse is here, and it looks like she wants to… uh, take my temperature.)

Guest Blog: TRAGEDY STRIKES ANEW

LAYMAN RETURNS TO HOSPITAL: HORSE LAUGHS LAST

In this surprise development, coinciding with this blog’s precipitous ratings decline, Layman has returned to the hospital, struck down by an infection attributed to “latent horse saliva” attacking his bloodstream. Layman’s condition is described as grave.

We will monitor and update you to Layman’s bleak condition, as the poor man continues to suffer for your sad, sick, sadistic amusement.

Damp… damp with tears,
“Damp” Pete

HOLY FREAKIN' RATINGS SLIP

I feel another horse bite coming on!!

Guest Blog: STRANGE PROPHECY

Another miraculous vision... or a terrifying glimpse of the future?!?!?!?!?

Guest Blog: HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?

Word of the miracle continues to spread, as young virgins everywhere are claiming to have visions of The Mighty One (generally outside their bedroom window, late after dark.)

Me, I found this miraculous vision as I was making Mister Layman his breakfast. How much do you think I'd get for it on Ebay?

Guest Blog: A GIFT FROM GOD

Already, people are massing to praise of the return of their beloved hero.

Guest Blog: LAYMAN WAKES, RISENS, SPEAKS

A CHRISTMAS/KWANZA MIRACLE

This weekend Layman defied expectations and and expert diagonoses, waking to what is being called a "miraculous recovery." Declaring "John Layman is one hearty mother-effer," Doctor Diego Dairyboo gave Layman a clean bill of health, pronounced him fully recovered, in good shape and good spirits despite his massively overflowing bedpan!

Upon awakening and risening, Layman first request was for a lozenge and some hot tea, before he was immediately besieged by hospital staff, "Where does it hurt, Mister Layman?" the hoard of doctors axed urgently. "How do you feel, Mister Layman?"


Explained Layman, "I'm a little hoarse."


Blindsided by irony,
"Soggy" Pete

Guest Blog: INDOMITABLE WILL

Supporters continue their long vigil, vowing do stand by Layman until he either recovers or dies.

"I hope something happens soon," one fan remarked. "This shit is getting kinda old."

Patiently,
"Soggy" Pete

Guest Blog: EQUINE AGGRAVATION

HORSE TO LAYMAN: "THIS AIN'T OVER, BEEYOTCH"


In a stunning and disturbing development, the horse that has already caused so much anguish continues to threaten the still-recovering Layman.

In a contentious early-morning press conference, the horse vowed to ignore the restraining order, and persist in his pattern of harassment and abuse against Layman. After a brief statement was read by his lawyer, the horse could only offer a single-word response to a barrage of questions by an increasingly hostile press.

"Won't you leave Mister Layman alone?"
"Have you no shame?"
"Do you regret the tremendous amount of suffering your action has caused to Layman and his legion of fans across the globe?"




Answered the horse: "Nay."

Yours in mutual outrage,
"Soggy" Pete

Guest Blog: PEACE LOVE AND LAYMAN

LAYMAN TO HORSE: "I FORGIVE YOU"

A good news/bad news sort of day as Layman awoke today and announced that he has forgiven the horse responsible for this terrible tragedy. "Life is too short to waste on this sort of hate," Layman magnanimously declared, "I'm going to concentrate on healing, both spiritual and physical, and to do this I must first forgive the horse, then open my heart to LOVE the horse." There was not a dry eye in the entire wing of the hospital.

However, the day was not without its setback. Doctors noticed Layman had a pronounced slur in his speech, and worried he might have brain damage from the fall he took as a result of his injury. After extensive MRI tests, it was determined that Layman indeed does have brain damage, but it is a result of watching THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK prior to his injury. The movie was SO fucking dumb that you could actually hear Layman's IQ dropping in freefall as he watched it. Not only that, the movie was so mindnumbingly ill-concieved, poorly excecuted, and just generally stupid-ass, that it also rendered the DVD player that showed the movie retarded. Despite Layman's previous message of forgiveness, it is generally agreed that anybody who likes this movie should be taken out and beaten to death with a Five Iron.

Inspired by love,
"Soggy" Pete

Guest Blog: HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO

Hundreds of devotees of the Layman brave the Pacific Northwest rain and cold to show their support for their beloved friend in his time of great crisis.

Where the hell were YOU?

On the scene,
"Soggy" Pete

Guest Blog: DOCTORS CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC

Whew! After ten touch-and-go hours on the operating table, doctors are saying they are "cautiously optimistic" about Layman's chances of survival. "I've never seen anyone with as pure a fighting spirit as John Layman," exclaimed chief surgeon, Dr. Diego DairyBoo. "This kid has real moxie."

Already, a line of (naughty) nurses have formed outside his recovery room, in anticipation of when the Mighty One awakes. Area florists have reported a 38% uptick in business, as well-wishers already have Mr. Layman's room overflowing with bouquets and tasteful gift arrangements.

I will continue to maintain my 24-hour vigil at Layman's bedside. Slipping in and out of consciousness, he awoke only once. Layman grasped my hand, and looked deeply into my eyes,. "U-u-update my blog, 'Soggy' Pete," Layman rasped, magnificent even in his injured state. "Do it for the homiez."

Dutifully,
"Soggy" Pete

Guest blog: TRAGEDY STRIKES LAYMAN

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, HORRENDOUS NEWS.

First off, my name is "Soggy" Pete Pintoberfer, and I'll be filling in for the esteemed Mr. Layman, at least temporarily, until he recovers--assuming he DOES recover. For the last five years it has been my priviledge to work for Mr. Layman, opening his fan mail, reading his fan mail, and sorting through the form-letter fan mail responses. I am also his personal food taster, I proveread his scripps, transcribe his interviews, arrange Clinton-esque daliences for Layman and a series of nubile interns, and sometimes, when Mr. Layman is feeling particularly generous, he allows me to feed and care for his beloved kitty cats (Bumble Buzz is my favorite--she is so sweet and cute.)

But alas, a terrible accident has struck down Mr. Layman, and at this very moment he lies on an operating table, hovering between life and death, being tending to by a crack team of surgeons. Of course, witnesses say it was no accident, that that rampaging horse attacked Mr. Layman on purpose, and that terrible bite the creature exacted on this saintlike man might even have been premediated.

I will update you to Layman's prognosis, and give you alerts as to his recovery--assuming he DOES recover! In the meantime, your cards, flowers, balloons, chocolates and generous monetary donations are most appreciated, as are your thoughts and prayers. I urge you all to stay strong in this dark, dire hour.

Yours truly,
"Soggy" Pete

Taking a moment to thank you, you and you

Well, this blog has been up for more than a month now, and it's succeeded beyond everybody's wildest expectations. In thirty short days I have made hundreds of friends, and recieved tens of thousands of unique hits. It has won multiple awards for its design and content, and has easily become the internet's hippest destination. And as much as a different sort of person might sit back and take all the credit for it, (like that vile Brian Perez ,) the truth is, I owe it all to YOU, dear reader. YOU are the backbone of this blog, and you have my thanks, and my praise. You belong to the greatest generation, and I love and adore you, one and al--

This message could not be completed.

This blog gathers no moss

Keen Bollah Fools will notice I've updated the links section to this blog.

First off, I've added the excellent and eye-opening Today in Iraq blog, which I freely admitted to discovering and poaching from my friend Tom Peyer's Superfrankenstein blog. I WAS going to try to avoid my venomous political rants in this blog, but I was IMing with a Gambit fan, and I made some throwaway comment about the latest outrage our idiotic president has committed, regarding our disasterous invasion of Iraq. The fan remarked, "Oh, is the war still going? I heard it was over." I was dumbfounded by this shocking ignorance, especially in light of how many people are dying daily over there, until I visited my red-state in-laws over Thanksgiving, and saw how little attention their shit-rag newspaper paid to international current events. I still maintain that Bush would not have won if people paid any attention the monstrous stuff going on over there, so this is a good web-site to check out if you want to be slapped in the face with a hard dose of reality.

I'm also added the altogether asinine blog of my associate Brian Perez , entitled Logic and Nausea (which is only half right.) I say associate rather than friend because Brian is no friend of mine. He is my arch nemesis, the scheming Moriarty to my brilliance, the treacherous Iago to the regalness that is Layman, the Kryptonite to my innate superiority, and the nefarious Voldemort to the magic that is me. I have known this miserable bastard for more than 20 years, and on a cold January day in 1983 I made the mistake of loaning this wretching individual a considerable amount of money. Since then, all I've gotten out of him are excuses, lies, more lies, and damn lies. I invite you to his blog to feed him my hate. The only reason I visit his blog is to keep a death watch on this vile individual, so at the nanosecond of his hopefully painful demise I can be first in line at the Fed Ex to Overnight Express a case of Viagra to Satan for exclusive use on this despicable so-called man.

I've also removed the blog site of my friend Troy , who started a blog a couple of weeks ago, posted twice, and then let it gather cobwebs ever since. Maybe I'll add it back when Troy gets his shit together, but I recognize how much Layman-philes demand entertainment, so in the interest of keeping things "fresh" this internet eyesoar must be purged!

Only in Seattle, dude

So earlier in the week I noticed on the side of Highway 99 (otherwise known as Aurora Ave.) somebody placed an old TV on the curb of the highway. The screen of the TV says "LIES" in white paint. I'll try to get a picture of it an post it.

A few days later in the week and it was still there, nobody messing with it or trying to take the TV. This is the sort of shit I love about Seattle, and what separates it from the vast, idiotic, cultural wasteland that was San Diego.

Coming this Spring

From IDW