TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, HORRENDOUS NEWS.
First off, my name is "Soggy" Pete Pintoberfer, and I'll be filling in for the esteemed Mr. Layman, at least temporarily, until he recovers--assuming he DOES recover. For the last five years it has been my priviledge to work for Mr. Layman, opening his fan mail, reading his fan mail, and sorting through the form-letter fan mail responses. I am also his personal food taster, I proveread his scripps, transcribe his interviews, arrange Clinton-esque daliences for Layman and a series of nubile interns, and sometimes, when Mr. Layman is feeling particularly generous, he allows me to feed and care for his beloved kitty cats (Bumble Buzz is my favorite--she is so sweet and cute.)
But alas, a terrible accident has struck down Mr. Layman, and at this very moment he lies on an operating table, hovering between life and death, being tending to by a crack team of surgeons. Of course, witnesses say it was no accident, that that rampaging horse attacked Mr. Layman on purpose, and that terrible bite the creature exacted on this saintlike man might even have been premediated.
I will update you to Layman's prognosis, and give you alerts as to his recovery--assuming he DOES recover! In the meantime, your cards, flowers, balloons, chocolates and generous monetary donations are most appreciated, as are your thoughts and prayers. I urge you all to stay strong in this dark, dire hour.