mo fuzzy

mo fuzzy
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

three of 'em

three of 'em
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

The three older kitties enjoy a rare moment without that annoying lil' Reggie.

REPREHENSIBLE: McDonalds is pure shit

Check this out. McDonald is Oregon in OUTSOURCING their drive-throughs to North Dakota.

That is, when you pull up to the drive up window at McDonald in Oregon, instead of giving your order to some pimply-face minimum wage dork in that McDonalds, you are ordering LONG DISTANCE from some inbred pimply-face minimum wage dork who's talking to you from North Dakota. Why? Because the minimum wage is $2 cheaper in North Dakota than it is in Oregon.

You shouldn't support McDonalds anyway, but this is just another in a long line of reasons not to. Welcome to George Bush's America, where the poor just keep getting poorer.

Link to McDonald's article here

Bathaniel's America

Note: we have changed the name in this following posting to avoid embarrassing the subject. The false name we have chosen from our subject is "Bathaniel." Or, "Bate" for short.


I have this friend, let's call him "Bathaniel." Actually, I'd say acquaintence more than friend, because since we've been talking politics over the last 6 months, this "friend" has grown increasingly hostile, aggressive, passive-aggressive and patronizing. "Bate" works in finance, and not only LOOOOOOOOVES George Bush, but he loves his economic policy. He loves to talk about the economic turnaround we are in, and how everybody in the U.S. has a great job and is making tons of money.

Bate loves Bush so much he wrote a song about him. I thought it would be nice to share it with you, Dear Readers.

BATHANIEL'S AMERICA
I love my president
I love him soooooo much
I love him more than life itself
Not MY life, of course

I don't care how many soldiers die
I don't care how many people die
I don't care how many children die
I don't get who gets tortured
Or what gets polluted

As long as I save a single dollar on my taxes
And can buy cheap gas
For my SUV.

LAYMANWEAR™ has been delayed...

...due to injury.

Bring da Pain: Last Night I Puked So Hard I Dislocated My Jaw

It was the crossover you demanded. Two heroes unite, fight briefly over a misunderstanding, and then join forces to defeat a common adversary. In this case, that adversary was alcohol. I met yesterday for with Tom Peyer of the excellent and always entertaining Superfrankenstein blog, and we were going to hit a bunch of different bars in order to figure out where comic pros should go to drink on Saturday night after Emerald City Con. We decided upon the Nite-Light, and later adjourned to Shortys for more alcoholic revelry.



Tom, to his credit, is currently quitting smoking. And you know me. I'm hardcore. That's the reason you come here, after all: to live vicariously through all my amazing adventures. And you know, there's not a single drug that, when placed in front of me, I will not drink, snort, swallow or shoot. Unfortunately, this included Tom's nicotine gum, which he generously offered me a piece of. The first piece had me buzzing like crazy. So, naturally, I took him up on the offer of a second piece. Bad move. It made me so hot and nervous and jittery and sick I had to get out of the bar. I tried to keep my composure leaving the bar, as to not raise a scene with Tom, and all the various fine women at the bar, including my Baby Girl's Mama. However, the split-second I got out of the bar I puked. Furiously. So hard and so suddenly I actually dislocated my jaw.

I have a doctor's appointment later. I suspect my jaw may actually be broken. I'm in terrible pain, sipping frying chicken through a straw, and slacked jawed (add to this a sloped brow, 180 pounds, beady eyes, hairy knuckles and a complexion like a Jovian moon, and I'd be the spitting image of that vile and villainous Brian Perez.)

Anyway, your well-wishes are appreciated. Sadly, though, this delays another announcement I was planning on making today.

Cat acne is real

Poor old sweet Bumble Buzz.

A couple years ago, back when my "roommate" and I were living in San Diego, Bumble Buzz started getting all these weird bumps on her chin. Big ass things, that just got bigger, and eventually ozzed pus and blood. Of course, I waited way longer than I should have to take her to the vet, but it was clearly causing her discomfort, and so I finally took her to the vet, wondering what the hell was up with my poor sweet kitty.

They told me she had feline acne. I shit you not. Cats get acne, usually on the chin when they get it, and it's not all that uncommon. Vets have different theories about why it happens. Some think it's that the kitty's chins get dirty when they are eating food. Others think it is more hormonal (the theory I prescribe to.)

Naturally I thought the vet would give old Bumble some sort of medicine. But the vet said with my help, the chin would clear up naturally. "My help," disgustingly, consisted of me actually popping the zits that appeared on the cat's chin. Let me repeat that: I had to pop the zits on my cats chin.

Cat zits are kind different than human zits, in that the white zit stuff get hard and solid, and are kinda like little grains of rice. Anyway, after a month or two of popping the zits, low and behold they went away.

They came back this fall, 3 or so years later, so I think it is hormonal. I periodically check her chin, (and the other kitties) and this time I was able to sorta get to them before they got out of control. One of the grossest things that ever happened to me in my life? I was popping one particularly big-ass zit on her chin, and it popped and cat zit juice squirted INTO MY EYE!!!!!

Think I'm bullshitting you about cat acne? Go here


Anyway, I popped a giant zit on her today. She's got one last one developing near her lip, and then I think her chin will clear up again.

I thought you'd like to know.

You heard it here first...LAYMANWEAR™ is coming

Buy it, wear it, love it.

A special sneeek peeek

The Gambit #9 cover.... coming in 3 months.

coming soon...LAYMANWEAR™

details soon!

My iPod is fucked. Again!

First, let me preface this by saying I don't have any stolen music. Every single song on my Ipod has been transferred over from my gargantuan CD collection (except for one Public Enemy album, which would not import, so my wife lifted a copy of Limewire.) Anyway, a couple of months ago Tom Peyer showed me a neat trick, pulling album covers off Amazon and matching them to the appropriate album on iTunes, so when you play music, you get a little mini-album cover along with the album and song title information. I don't know why, but this feature really tickled me, so I've started putting album covers to as many songs as possible.

And then my Ipod died. Froze up, then lost its songs.

I don't know if one certain song was corrupt, or if one of the album covers I got was corrupt. Fortunately, I bought a back-up hard drive and had blessedly backed-up a week or so before. Since then, I back-up more regularly, and I'm still, perhaps foolishly, pulling off album covers. Only this time, I'm resaving them into photoshop before matching the
covers to itunes.

So, my ipod fucked up again last night. Froze up and then dumped all the songs. I loaded the back-up from my hard-drive, and then 15 more albums, and the ipod is freezing up, and getting stuck. Clearly, there is still something wrong with it. And I don't have the patience to wade through 2300 songs to figure out exactly what is causing this.

My question to you: Has anybody else been through this? Is there some sort of dianostic program I can use to fix this? Like, the iPod equivalent of Norton Utilities?

I love my iPod dearly, but I'm at the end of my fucking rope.

Coming this May... from IDW, Boyeeeeee!

Click on the picture for the bigger version, homie.

KNOW YOUR ENEMY

As it has been this blog's sad duty to report, my arch enemy Brian Perez has recently resurfaced, and has been up to all sorts of evil.

And as regular readers of this blog know, Brian Perez is a terrible person, the first legitmate 21 Century Monster (not connected to the White House, that is.) My friends, he has recently declared war upon your humble narrator, and I urge all of you to continue to feed this ugly human all of your hate.

In order to protect this blog, and you, Dear Readers, our art staff has compiled some artist's representation of what the elusive Brian Perez might look like. We admit, the first picture is the most likely scenario. Know that the evil Brian is a twisted Master of Disguise, and could appear as almost anything or anyone. If you see Brian, even if you just SUSPECT a passing stranger might be Brian , you are authorized to shoot on site.



Some other potential guises for Brian:

No blogging today....

...we "go dark" today as a nation mourns four more years of a fuckwit president.

Layman dips into the ol' mailbag

As we've previously established, this blog is one of the most cherished and popular sites in all of the internets. As such, it receives an inordinate amount of fan letters and email. Normally, because I am vastly superior to each and every one of you, I just let my unpaid interns and assistants deal with these matters. But, since I'm feeling magnanimous today, I agree to randomly select three letters and answer them. I figure, since you love me so much, it's the least I could do.

And so, without further ado:

LETTER #1: Perversion at 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.



This comes to us from Tom Long of Mira Mesa, California, in response to the blog posting of Monday, January 17, Check out this crazy shit...", as well as the follow-up posting, "One more note about those ugly-ass fish."

Dear Mister Layman,

Your blog is the greatest. You are the greatest. I particularly loved those pictures of all the weird fish you posted. You see, I am a very homely man, and as a result, the great majority of the sexual gratification I achieve is through the creative uses of seashells, pineapples and porcupines. Seeing those fish really opened my eyes to a plethera of new erotic experiences.

However, I was very disturbed to see that vile Brian Perez has already "staked his claim" on those wonderful deep-sea specimens. Reading your blog makes me hate him so much. I think he must be the worst person in the world.

Your biggest fan,
Tom B. Long
Mira Mesa, Ca


Dear Tom,

Actually, I think you and my arch enemy Brian would get along just fine. You both sound like very strange, sad, sick, and lonely little men.


LETTER #2: A Reasonable Reader Replies

Mister Layman,

Your blog is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I recently upgraded to broadband just so I could get to your blog that much quicker. I LOVE all the pictures of your cats. I especially love the latest addition to your household, Reggie. He is so cute and furry. I can only imagine how adorable he is as he capers about obstreperously with Batty, Rufus and the ever-delightful Bumble Buzz.

Wouldn't you please honor us with new picture of your spectacular, superb cats?

Gratefully,
Jason G. Phillips
Brooklyn, NY


Jason,

Wish I could, but sorry, no can do, little buddy. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will see that this blog gets nearly 9,000 hits a day. This number increases dramatically on days when new cat pictures are posted, so after we received an injunction from our local cable provider, and some lengthy legal maneuvering, we've drawn up a strict schedule as to when we can post new cat pictures. Should we deviate from this schedule, the very internets could come crashing down all around us, and that would be just the opening Al Queda is looking for. And so, as a matter of national security, we only post new kitty pictures on the appropriate day. So stay tuned.

However, just for you, Jason, here's repeat of our of our most popular pictures, featuring your pal and mine, Reginald J. Poggles (kickin' Batty's ass, naturally!)




LETTER #3: More Episode III Hate


This was a comment posted in response to Sunday's "Layman movie review: EPISODE III: RETURN OF THE SITH." I should have known that my review would bring the Lucas-Lovers out of the woodwork. These poor, sad nerds have nothing better to do than dream about living at Skywalker Ranch, wearing togas crafted out of their urine-stained Admiral Ackbar bedsheets and spending 12 hours of every day wiping dribbles of blueberry pie of George Lucas' innumerable chins.

Jaymo from Dillweed, Arkansas, posts the following:

Well, let me preface this by saying I love your blog so much. It is so awesome. You are a godsend to all of the internets.

I suppose it would be too much to ask that, before spending too much time ripping it apart, we actually learn the correct name of the film. "Revenge" not "Return." Are you sure you attended an exclusive preview screening? Because, I would have thought you would notice the title as it scrolled up the screen. But then, I don't doubt you actually went to a screening, you just attended with a closed mind so you already knew you were going to hate it... oh yeah, and your mind was closed enough that the correct title couldn't seep in.

As for childbirth, you know, childbirth is childbirth, man, whether you're living in an advanced society or not - unless you're somehow trying to say that childbirth could be made safer by things like... anti-gravity, planet destroying ships, and laser-swords? Before you jump on that - your attempt at logic wasn't lost on me, it just doesn't fit. Do you think that in a futuristic society there will some button that pregnant moms can push, emitting a little *ding*, followed by an overly cheery voice that says, "You've got babies!" thereby avoiding the pain and danger of childbirth?

Whatever happened to going to a movie, suspending disbelief, and just watching a story play out on screen? Sure, you can dislike things about the story, but when did we, as a society, start ripping films to shreds simply because they didn't match up with what we expect?? The filmmaker tells the story, if you don't like the story, fine, but to attack from every angle and rip it to shreds is just senseless. It speaks a lot to the character and intellect of the "ripper" I think. "Hey, I didn't like this, therefore the movie sucks and no one should see it!"

Hey, if you don't like a painting, you say so and get over it, you don't take a claw-hammer and rip holes in it. A movie is just as much a work of art, a story told in such a way as to be the visual for the audience, rather than leaving it to the audience to create their own visual. Opinions differ wildly on art, as is the case with film. There are still people today that find some of Van Gogh's work pedantic, or some of DaVinci's work to be unforgivably sacrilegious, while others feel completely the opposite about their works. But I can't remember the last time I saw someone in front of an art museum with a bullhorn or publishing a newspaper column trying to convince fellow art-lovers that they shouldn't waste time looking at a particular painting. Shouldn't we have enough respect for our fellow movie-goers to let them form their own opinions about a film, rather than trying to taint their opinions or displace them with our own? Maybe make your opinion known, sure, but overtly trying to influence other people's view isn't cool. And I find the insulting comments toward George Lucas to be especially objectionable. Criticizing the film is one thing, attacking the person is another entirely.

That's the difference between a filmmaker and a film critic, though - the filmmaker makes the film and leaves it to the audience to decide whether it's good or not, opening themselves up to criticism. The critic tries to rip apart something that the filmmaker has created and to tries to influence as many people as possible before they even have a chance to view the film and come up with an unbiased opinion of their own. Too bad, really.

My response, point by point, (until I lose interest):

FIRST off, Jaymo, the title for Episode III IS RETURN OF THE SITH. Lucas, in a pie-induced frenzy, changed the name just two short weeks ago, thinking it would achieve parity with Episode VI. Though this information has not been made public, pretty much any Hollywood insider will tell you this is true. You suggesting otherwise just shows your shocking, shocking ignorance, in all things relating to Star Wars.

SECONDLY, my point about childbirth is that the Universe of Star Wars in an impossibly advancd society. They are far more advanced than our real-world society--is it really that much of a stretch to imagine they've made progress in medical science as well? Padme dying in childbirth is pure contrived bullshit, especially, as another keen reader pointed out, Leia says in Episode VI that she remembers her mother.

And, FINALLY, I don't think anywhere in my review did I say "Hey, I didn't like this, therefore the movie sucks and no one should see it!" Except for the catastrophic shit-fest Chronicles of Riddick, I freely invite anybody to see any movie I review. However, after you have seen the movie, the only option I will allow is for you to agree with me. No disagreement will be countenanced.


Anyway, that's all the mail I have patience for today. Please note in future email to write "okay to print." Then again, don't bother, as I reserve the right to edit postings and emails for space and content, and even reserve the right to add stuff, make up stuff, and slander friends, acquaintances, and total strangers.

Layman seeeeeeeeeering social commentary

I've been going to the gym quite a bit lately. To no avail, as I seem to get fatter the more I exercise. Anyway, it's a Gold's Gym that is mostly meathead-free on Aurora Ave, and they have, like most gyms, a bunch of TVs on to help pass the time. And they are usually showing about 5 different shows at any given time, so I can space out on an Angel repeat, or Law and Order, or Charmed, or even Judging Amy, which is surprisingly watchable when you have your iPod blasting Ice-T and White Zombie over Tynne Daley. Anyway, far too often one channel plays Dharma and Greg, and this has led me to the following insiteful observation.

I HATE DHARMA AND GREG
The subheading of this should be

I fucking hate Jenna Elfman with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

I'm not sure why, and, blessedly, I never had to suffer through a complete episode of Dharma and Greg, but seeing Jenna Elfman physically revolts me. Like, I want to projectile vomit so hard my lungs go flying across the room and splatter on the wall. I wanted to gouge out my eyes with rusty icepicks, and I can only thank Christ I have my iPod on to cover the sound, or I'd want my eardrums to bleed out into some rained-out gutter. I don't even know why, but I just HATE Jenny Elfman, and everything just says or does, and every moves she makes, just makes makes me want to put a bullet in my frontal lobe--and the only reason I don't is I fear I'd just end up in a fiery place watching repeats of that god-damn show for the rest of eternity.
It's weird, I can't think of another celebrity I dislike with such intensity. Annette Benning is up there, for some movie she did with Robert Downey Jr. where all she did was shriek for 2 hours nonstop, but really, I'd rather have an be kicked in the stomach by an Jack-Booted Army of Annette Benning Clones than even see or hear Jenna Elfman for the slightest fraction of a nanosecond. I'm not even joking.

Anybody else have a celebrity out there that does this to them?

That being said, in the interest of giving this blog some positivity, I'd like to add:
I LIKE THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN
Weird, cause I didn't pay too much attention to this show when it was on, but I never had anything against it, either. I catch it occationally at the gym, and at least once per episode it makes me laugh, super hard. Embarassingly hard. Particularly the later episodes. Yes, John Lithgow hams and mugs shamelessly, but for some reason I can never get enough of it. I've already told my roommate when this series comes out on DVD I want to get it. It makes me laugh. Every damn time.

Now... getting back to Dharma and Greg, I just remembered I had a friend in San Diego who actually named her cats Dharma and Greg. Can you fucking believe that? Now, as some of you may know, I like cats, and I could barely tolerate these cats, just 'cause they were named Dharma and Greg. Not only is that show lamer than shit, but I really hate when people get a pair of kittens and give them complimentary names. I bet after a few years, maybe when one of the cats die, those names will seem pretty damn stupid. Or when the show goes off the air, or jumps the shark, or whatever. Another friend from San Diego named a pair of cats Wren and Stimpy, which I found lame, but not quite as criminal as naming your cat after a lame-ass TV show starring an intolerable "actress."

I think Bumble Buzz is the best name for a cat ever.

Cute and super cute

DSCN0758
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

In honor of Martin Luther King day: two black kitties living in peace and harmony.

Yeah, I know I'm a day late, but Reggie's not really a black kitty, either, is he?

One more note about those ugly-ass fish

Just so you know, three of the four fish shown below are sea creatures that my arch enemy Brian Perez would insert into his own rectum to give himself sexual pleasure.

The fourth is a dead ringer for Brian's face.

Try to guess which fish is which.

Check out this crazy shit...

Supposedly a sampling of some of the crazy-ass fishies that turned up on shore in Indonesia after the Tsunami.

Martini Rufus

martinirufus
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Layman movie review: EPISODE III RETURN OF THE SITH

Ug. I just knew it. I attended an exclusive preview screening of the upcoming Star Warts prequel and it was every bit as half-assed and idoticallly knuckle-headed as I thought it would be.

In honor of this movie, I'm going to start a new feature in this blog, titled:
Layman expose: REASONS WHY GEORGE LUC-ASS IS A BIG FAT IDIOT, Part One (of Infinity)

Ok, so... at the end of the Return of the Sith, Natalie Portman's character, Paddle-Me Armadillo, dies in childbirth, while giving birth to Luke and Leiar. Hello? Your frickin' galaxy has swords made of lasers, machines that resist gravity, and giant ships big enough to destroy planets. And yet, you can't master childbirth. How idiotically convinient for Episode III's lamebrained story purposes.

Plus, it's not like the character's death-during-childbirth comes as a surprise. Manakin has dreams about it the entire damn movie, and yet nobody takes any precautions. Ug. Double Ug. Anyway, another stupid Star Warts movie down the tubes. At least the misery is over.

And I'm not even gonna get started on the Threepio stuff.

Layman movie review: THE BROTHER, FLY EFFECT

Holy crap, I actually liked this movie. Like, Sally Field liked it (that is, "I really, reeeeally liked it.)

I didn't expect to, as it immidiately got off to a bad start attributing a quote to "Chaos Effect," but it was actually pretty cool, like a good science fiction short story, a really dark Fredric Brown short or something. Of course, the problem with this movie was it was marketed as a horror movie starring Asshead Cooper, from Punk'd and That 70s Show (and didn't I read somewhere that he is dating the much olderMichael Moore?)

But it's really not even about. I saw the director's cut DVD, and I have no idea how it varied from the theatrical release, but ol' Asshead didn't even show up until 20 minutes into the movie, and Amy Smart as his love interest did not show up until 45 minutes into it. And up until then, we had a lot of flashback stuff with kids playing Asshead and Amy-as-children. I thought this was a pretty cool piece of speculative sci-fi about time travel (though whenever I saw Asshead on screen I called it, "Dude, where's my Alternate Universe?") It had a downbeat if a little ridiculous ending... and I sort of wonder if that's the ending that was in the theatrical version.

Anyway, that, and about 12 glasses of wine, with Batty on my lap, made for a not-too-bad Friday night.


My "roommate" thought the movie "got old," as Assheap Cooper bopped around through time and different realities, but I think that speaks more to her limited attention span than the quality of the movie. Also, she is a big hater.

I liked this movie.

This is for real, dude

Hasbro's Darth Tater. I shit you not.

Son of Sweet-Pie Softy Snuggle Time

Since you demanded it, since you love seeing Reggie and Batty SOOOO much, here they are, along with Rufus and Bumble Buzz, too!

'Course, maybe you like seeing Reggie, but he HATES seeing you.

HATES!

Layman movie review: 50 FIRST DATES

Ok, a couple points I need to make, before we get to the meat of the review.

First off, my "roommate" has absolutely no memory of things, particularly when it comes to movies. She routinely puts crappy movies on the Netflix cue and then when they come says "Ewwww, why did you get THIS movie"," when it was in fact her that picked it. She has no recollection of what she has seen, or what she hasn't seen, or wants to see, and she's also a big hater (have I ever mentioned that?) so a movie she was dying to see at the theater six months later she can't comprehend why would would possibly watch that. On the plus side, I can go in to the Netflix cue and delete all these crappy foreign films about androgenous male ballerinas with mother issues and my "roommate" will never know I did. And what I really OUGHT to do is select a whole bunch of softcore movies, like "Cheerleader Pillow Fight 4" and then blame her for renting them. Anyway, to make a long, tedious story short, that is one reason "50 First Dates" ended up in our rental cue.

The other thing you should know is I primarily use Netflix to watch runs of TV shows. I never watched Buffy or Angel when they were on, but damned if they aren't great shows, and I can't wait for the release of Angel Season 5. Also, I've watched Nip/Tuck Season I (fucking AWESOME!) and am waiting for Season II, watched Chapelle's Show and rewatched Homicide. And pretty soon I intend to watch The Wire and Ali G, I just haven't got around to it. So anyway, there are no TV shows on our Netflix cue, which is the other reason "50 First Dates" ended up in there.

That being said, it wasn't anywhere near as miserable as I expected it to be, and it certainly killed a few less million brain cells than that abhorrant Dodgeball piece of crap I suffered through last week. I really wanted to hate it, and the set-up is absolutely ridiculous, but that ended up being actually okay. Also, I winced when I saw Sean Austin, after being in the near-perfect Lord of the Rings movies, I thought that poor bastard had sure taken a career tumble. But he ended up making me laugh, or chuckle anyway, so I guess I won't end up faulting him.

I was really pleased with the ending, too. Drew Barrymore has brain damage, so she keeps reliving the same day, and I was sure that Adam Sandler would tell her he loved her, and the next day she'd have her memory. Or, worse yet, they'd have sex and then she's remember. But it was actually kinda a daring ending--all things considered. Anyway, it wasn't too horrible. Not exactly a glowing recommendation, but if you've read THIS far into a review of an Adam Sandler movie, chances are you don't have a whole lot of better things to do. Do you?

Layman pimpage: Gambit #6

Gambit #6 is slated to hit the stores today, the conclusion to the "House of Cards" story-arc. This issue has a fill-in artist, but the art I've seen is pretty damn good, done by a cat named Roger Robinson (he did the recent Aliens vs. Predator TPB.)

If it seems like it was just a couple weeks since I pimped Gambit #5, bruver, you ain't crazy. Gambit #5 ran late, hence the fill-in artist on #6. But the fill-in helped us get back on track, and regular artist Georges Jeanty is working on #9 and I am working on #10. So there!

I'll post reviews as they hit the web.

Some interesting facts about YOU!

It's no secret that this is one of the most popular destinations in all of the internets. Obviously, you know that, and as a discerning "surfer" of the internets, you visit this site regular –daily if not hourly– and likely have your preferences set so this is your home page. And in turn, we provide you with the most dynamic and exciting content humanly possible.

However, on January 5th of this month, we experienced a MASSIVE influx of new visitors. Normally, we get in excess of two thousand people a day, but on this day, we got more than TWELVE THOUSAND VISITORS. And this just happened to be the same day we debuted a new photo of Batty and Reggie, entitled, "Sweetie-Pie Softy Snuggle Time™."

The inevitable conclusion?
YOU LOVE PICTURES OF BATTY AND REGGIE.

So... Just to give you a repeat thrill, here's a the picture you all went ga-ga over, "Sweetie-Pie Softy Snuggle Time™":


And rest assured, since you love pictures of Reggie and Batty SO much, we will do our best to continue to provide you more, better, and increased coverage of these two adorable little Sweetie-Pie Softy Snugglers™.

EMERALD CITY CON: FEB 5 and 6th

So...it turns out I am headlining Emerald City Con. I am the Guest Of Honor™ and all the other guests are a bunch of punk-ass beeeyotches. Besides signing my many best-selling comics, I'll also be overseeing two different panels, a panel with Marvel writers Saturday at 2 p.m. and another panel on "breaking into the industry" at noon on Sunday. See you there!

While surely everybody will pale next to my deafening radiance, other guests include my pals Tom Peyer, Jay Faerber, Travis Charest, the Authority team of Ed Brubaker and Dustin Nguyen, Ford Gilmore, Uber-writer Brian Bendis, Robert Kirkman, Peter Bagge and a BUNCHA others (there not actually punk-ass beeyotches, either.)

More info, and a complete guest list: here

So here's what I'm playing instead of Prince of Persia

100 cyber bucks to the first person to correctly identify this game.

Seen walking around Green Lake

Fear the dreaded snowpiller!



(Sorry, but growing in California, going to school in Long Beach and Chico, and living for 12 years in San Diego, it's very exciting for me to live in a place where it snows.)

Baby's first snowfall

DSCN0746
Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Layman to Prince of Persia: YOU ARE A SHITTY GAME

This game sucks.

Granted, any game after GTA San Andreas would be a tough act to follow, but this new Prince of Persia fucking blows. I'm gonna have to dig through an entire recycling bin to find the receipt and take this miserable fucker back, but, at this point, I'd rather roll around in a gutter full of raw sewage than play another 10 seconds of this suck-ass piece of crap.

Sad, because I really liked Prince of Persia I: Sands of Times. And Gamespot gave this new Prince of Persia a high rating, and I generally trust Gamespot. But this game blows. The first game had a lot of charm, starting with a narrator recounting the story like it was an old fashioned story-tale. This new fucking nonsense just throws you into an imcomprehensible cut-scene of shit, and then a completely different cutscene of shit, and then straight into bad, dumb action. Worse, there this really cheesy soundtrack of just horrible heavy metal music. Or wanna-be heavy metal, that just doesn't fit in with the game action. Man, this thing sucks.

I guess the reason it got such a high rating is because you get, like, a billion fight combos and a trillion weapons. Maybe it's just the writer in me, but I'd prefer an actual story to having to memorize an infinite amount of button-mashing combos. So, anyway, I can't return this piece of crap fast enough, and I'd advise anybody who who is even thinking about buying this rotten junk to think again and wise up.

Prince of Persia Warrior Within: YOU SUUUUUCKKK!!!!!!!

Technology marches on

How annoying is this? I just got a camera cell phone, and the stupid thing only takes upside-down pictures! I swear, these cell phone makers must be retarded!

Layman movie review: DODGEBALL

Holy crap. I don't even have the words for how bad this movie was. Alex Sinclair told me it was funny, and I didn't remember reading anything TOO horrible about it, so I put it on the ol' Netflix cue. Mother of God! It was HORRIBLE. Utterly unfunny every single minute, every single freakin' nanosecond. It wasn't even so-bad-it-was-funny kind of funny. It just sucked, absolutely and completely. Staggeringly bad, with not a single laugh to be found, and nothing remotely funny in it. Ben Stiller was basically doing Zoolander on Steriods, and he was the most annoyingly unfunny, while the rest of it just sort of sonumbulated through it, just wheezing along with this awful, awful script. The only good point to it was it was so completely lightweight that the movie at least felt like it was going by fast.

Jeezus, Sinclair... what the hell were you thinking?

Sweetie-Pie Softy Snuggle Time

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Originally uploaded by themightylayman.

Reggie and Batty keeping each other company, and warm, on a cold Seattle day.

WHAT IF… Mark Millar was Agent Sydney Bristow?

After J.J. Abrams heard about popular comics writer Mark Millar’s daring rescue exploits on board a fiery train, he decided he had finally found America’s next perfect action hero. He’s dumping Jennifer Garner from “Alias” and retconning the show so Millar now portrays the cunning and curvaceous super spy.

SPOILER WARNERS: Contains comic-book insider humor mixed with convoluted “Alias” plotlines… so if you find this even remotely funny, chances are you are a giant fucking dork!


SERIES PREMIERE
Insanely popular comics writer Sydney Bristow discovers that her unique job as an agent for SD-6, a top-secret division of the CIA, holds some deadly secrets that threaten the security of the free world.




SEASON ONE, EPISODE SEVEN
Sydney must seduce the owner of an Ukrainian dance club for secret location of a stolen nuclear weapon.




SEASON TWO, EPISODE FOUR
Sydney finds her likeness on the centuries-old Rambaldi document. The likeness was done by a super-duper, A-list, top-ten artist... we just aren’t allowed to tell you who.




SEASON TWO, SEASON FINALE
Sydney discovers she is missing two years from her memory. Fortunately, during that time, she did not miss a single issue of “Ultimates.”




SEASON THREE, EPISODE TWO
Sydney travels take her to Italy, where she must win the affection of the notorious and deadly “Asian Godfather.” Guest starring Neve Campbell as “airline passenger who really, REALLY wants to change seats.”




SEASON FOUR, SEASON PREMIERE
Sydney races to Japan to stop a team of Ninjas from brainwashing a fellow spy into a mindless killing machine. Directed by Quentin Tarantino, who, coincidently, read “Wanted” and loved it so much he is now BEGGING Mark to let him direct it.


NEXT WEEK: More twists, turns and shocking revelations. And more super-duper, A-list, top-ten guest stars, including Jim Caviezel, the guy who played Jesus in “The Passion of the Christ.” No, really. You want to bet on it?

Layman to Prince of Persia: You're next, biznitch!

In honor of conquering San Andreas, I sold off a bunch of suck-ass games and picked up the new Prince of Persia. I have four pages left to script of Gambit #9. I expect once I finish that, hopefully later tonight, I'll crack open this new game and start kickin' ITS ass.

And I promise to keep you apprised of my gameplay progression. I'm SO sure you care about dorky shit like that.

Layman original art stash: KELLY FREAS

Here's a nice little picture I picked up from Kelly Freas at the San Diego Con a couple of years ago. I also got him to autograph my 1954 issue of Astounding Science Fiction with the Martians Go Home cover.

The saddest, saddest, saddest

R.I.P. Will Eisner

These things are supposed to come in threes, right? Devastatingly sad news for anybody who's ever cared about comic books, as the man who arguable invented the graphic novel passes away. My few meetings with Mr. Eisner were brief, but he seemed like a genuinely sweet and kind man, and there was no denying he was a talented, passionate and prolific artist and creator.



Sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

Layman movie review: HOUSE OF FLYING BADGERS

I came into this with pretty low expectations. I wasn't really crazy about "Hero," the director's previous movie. I thought it was beautiful, but it was the same story from, like, a trillion different perspectives, and by the time the same characters died for, like, the fortieth time, I didn't really give a crap. I'd heard some mixed things about "House of Flying Badgers," even though it is on nearly everybody's Top Ten list for 2004. Plus, I was IMing with noted internet troublemaker Charlie Chu, who told me "House of Flying Badgers" wasn't any good or worth my time.

But, despite it all, I went and saw it. And I thought it was pretty damn good. Way better than "Hero," not quite as good as "Crouching Tiger" (or "Iron Monkey," which is just as cool, just much less pretentious.) I had heard "House of Flying Badgers" had a really complex plot, but I had not taken into account that AMERICANS ARE RETARDED. All you had to be was not an idiot to follow it, which apparently is too much for most U.S. residents (at least 51%, at last count.)

The plot is about a blind dancing assassin, played by Crouching Tiger's Zhang Zoo, the cute little Chinese girl that sorta looks like a cute little Chinese boy. She is part of a legion of assassins who carry around badgers and throw them at her enemies. The evil emperor is poaching wildlife from the forest, so some shit like that, so little Zhang Zoo takes her three little badgers (named Ike, Mike and Sally,) sharpens their claws to razor sharp points, and thows them at various mutha fuckas. There's a lot of cool fighting, and a love triangle, and something else, and another something else. Anyway, it was pretty good, and Charlie Chu is a big idiot.

So, in conclusion... SCREW YOU, CHARLIE CHU!

Anyway, "House of Flying Badgers"... LAYMAN™ RECOMMENDED!

I promised you some Gambit #5 reviews, did I not?

From Hannibal's Buy Pile: "God help us, is John Layman making this comic actually readable? If it makes it all the way to 'good,' make sure your bomb shelter's fully stocked." Full review Here.

From Paul O'Brien's X-Axis. Poor Paul acts like complimenting Gambit causes him physical pain: "...Ends up as the best of this week's X-books. Which isn't to say that it's particularly good, but at least it's readable and fun." Full review Here.