After J.J. Abrams heard about popular comics writer Mark Millar’s daring rescue exploits on board a fiery train, he decided he had finally found America’s next perfect action hero. He’s dumping Jennifer Garner from “Alias” and retconning the show so Millar now portrays the cunning and curvaceous super spy.
SPOILER WARNERS: Contains comic-book insider humor mixed with convoluted “Alias” plotlines… so if you find this even remotely funny, chances are you are a giant fucking dork!
Insanely popular comics writer Sydney Bristow discovers that her unique job as an agent for SD-6, a top-secret division of the CIA, holds some deadly secrets that threaten the security of the free world.
SEASON ONE, EPISODE SEVEN
Sydney must seduce the owner of an Ukrainian dance club for secret location of a stolen nuclear weapon.
SEASON TWO, EPISODE FOUR
Sydney finds her likeness on the centuries-old Rambaldi document. The likeness was done by a super-duper, A-list, top-ten artist... we just aren’t allowed to tell you who.
SEASON TWO, SEASON FINALE
Sydney discovers she is missing two years from her memory. Fortunately, during that time, she did not miss a single issue of “Ultimates.”
SEASON THREE, EPISODE TWO
Sydney travels take her to Italy, where she must win the affection of the notorious and deadly “Asian Godfather.” Guest starring Neve Campbell as “airline passenger who really, REALLY wants to change seats.”
SEASON FOUR, SEASON PREMIERE
Sydney races to Japan to stop a team of Ninjas from brainwashing a fellow spy into a mindless killing machine. Directed by Quentin Tarantino, who, coincidently, read “Wanted” and loved it so much he is now BEGGING Mark to let him direct it.
NEXT WEEK: More twists, turns and shocking revelations. And more super-duper, A-list, top-ten guest stars, including Jim Caviezel, the guy who played Jesus in “The Passion of the Christ.” No, really. You want to bet on it?