Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Layman seeeeeeeeeering social commentary

I've been going to the gym quite a bit lately. To no avail, as I seem to get fatter the more I exercise. Anyway, it's a Gold's Gym that is mostly meathead-free on Aurora Ave, and they have, like most gyms, a bunch of TVs on to help pass the time. And they are usually showing about 5 different shows at any given time, so I can space out on an Angel repeat, or Law and Order, or Charmed, or even Judging Amy, which is surprisingly watchable when you have your iPod blasting Ice-T and White Zombie over Tynne Daley. Anyway, far too often one channel plays Dharma and Greg, and this has led me to the following insiteful observation.

I HATE DHARMA AND GREG
The subheading of this should be

I fucking hate Jenna Elfman with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.


I'm not sure why, and, blessedly, I never had to suffer through a complete episode of Dharma and Greg, but seeing Jenna Elfman physically revolts me. Like, I want to projectile vomit so hard my lungs go flying across the room and splatter on the wall. I wanted to gouge out my eyes with rusty icepicks, and I can only thank Christ I have my iPod on to cover the sound, or I'd want my eardrums to bleed out into some rained-out gutter. I don't even know why, but I just HATE Jenny Elfman, and everything just says or does, and every moves she makes, just makes makes me want to put a bullet in my frontal lobe--and the only reason I don't is I fear I'd just end up in a fiery place watching repeats of that god-damn show for the rest of eternity.
It's weird, I can't think of another celebrity I dislike with such intensity. Annette Benning is up there, for some movie she did with Robert Downey Jr. where all she did was shriek for 2 hours nonstop, but really, I'd rather have an be kicked in the stomach by an Jack-Booted Army of Annette Benning Clones than even see or hear Jenna Elfman for the slightest fraction of a nanosecond. I'm not even joking.

Anybody else have a celebrity out there that does this to them?

That being said, in the interest of giving this blog some positivity, I'd like to add:
I LIKE THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN
Weird, cause I didn't pay too much attention to this show when it was on, but I never had anything against it, either. I catch it occationally at the gym, and at least once per episode it makes me laugh, super hard. Embarassingly hard. Particularly the later episodes. Yes, John Lithgow hams and mugs shamelessly, but for some reason I can never get enough of it. I've already told my roommate when this series comes out on DVD I want to get it. It makes me laugh. Every damn time.

Now... getting back to Dharma and Greg, I just remembered I had a friend in San Diego who actually named her cats Dharma and Greg. Can you fucking believe that? Now, as some of you may know, I like cats, and I could barely tolerate these cats, just 'cause they were named Dharma and Greg. Not only is that show lamer than shit, but I really hate when people get a pair of kittens and give them complimentary names. I bet after a few years, maybe when one of the cats die, those names will seem pretty damn stupid. Or when the show goes off the air, or jumps the shark, or whatever. Another friend from San Diego named a pair of cats Wren and Stimpy, which I found lame, but not quite as criminal as naming your cat after a lame-ass TV show starring an intolerable "actress."

I think Bumble Buzz is the best name for a cat ever.

4 comments:

Our Man Horn said...

Andie MacDowell, Juliette Lewis, Goldie Hawn and her daughter... all are spawn of the vilest tentacle rape demons of the netherworld.

benjamin adams said...

Bah. Jenna was ultra-hot the first year of that show. I woulda done her every which way from Sunday and Mondays too. Whatever that means.

apad 2 said...

Gosh, there is so much effective material here!

bfor42 said...

I have no problem with Annette Bening. I like it when she plays bitches. She's really good at it. But there's something about Jenna Elfman that makes me want to see her career go down the tubes... and/or get old and fat, like me.